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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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June 27th, 2013, 08:50 AM
BlessednHighlyFavored's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,296
Just felt like you didn't fit in this world anymore after losing your child. This I My first time posting here but unwrapping I could receive some support anyway. Anyway a little history about me. In 2011 I lost my son at 39 weeks and 6 days due undiagnosed pre e. I tried lots of different support groups because we all know we need as much support as we can get during and after that time. I didn't fit in. I decided to try some online thinking maybe that will help. It was better than going to an actual support group but still not what I was looking for. We was all in different places in our grieving and I just felt like looking at the people that was years ahead of me in their grieving process and the state of mind that was in I will never be able to move forward. So I made friends with a couple ladies on fb an that was the best fit.

Fast forward one of the ladies I made friends with we decide to start working on a March to raise pregnancy and infant loss awareness. Everything was going good. I had suffered through 5 additionally miscarriages an this friend was still supportive. Well now I am 18 weeks with my rainbow.our friendship no longer exists. I tried reaching out to her but she was just push me away with all her response being ill talk to you later.

Another incident. I went back to the hospital I delivered at to speak about my journey. I thought they receive me well but I just received an email from the coordinator request that I not return to the "support" group until after I have the baby because I'm showing and I made the women feel uncomfortable. I'm just so frustrated I don't know what to do.
Anyway thanks for letting me have a place to let my feeling out.

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June 27th, 2013, 09:02 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,409
I am so sorry that you don't feel like you belong any place. I am also so sorry for your losses. My loss was at 11 weeks so I can't even imagine being at the point you were in your pregnancy and how hard that must have been for you.

I know for me I very rarely speak of my miscarriage in real life to anybody. Most people just get uncomfortable when you talk about it. My husband doesn't even really like to talk about it. the only person I have really discussed it with other than the ladies in this forum is my preacher. I did some counseling with him after my loss to help me deal with my grief.

The ladies here are all awesome and offer great support so you should definitely stick around. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
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June 27th, 2013, 09:33 AM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 6,913
I'm so sorry your previous supports have fallen away. That must be so hard. Just because you're pregnant with your rainbow baby (congrats, BTW!), doesn't mean you've finished the grieving process. I hope you can find some encouragement and support here, the ladies here are great and have been there for me too.
I also had a hard time talking to anyone about my loss. It seems like loss tends to set you apart from others--you just don't feel like they would understand. I didn't even feel I could talk to my sister, who had a miscarriage herself some years ago. She was just too black and white about it and made me feel like I shouldn't be overly sad about it.

Little Bud: Blooming in Heaven 1.24.12
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June 27th, 2013, 06:29 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,915
I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through. I feel like you said a few things that describes myself perfectly. I too lost my son, at 38 weeks due to unknown reasons. I have tried talking to family and friends but no longer try that anymore because my own family have said some of the most hurtful, heartless things that made my grieving even worse. They said things like if I went to church more or blah blah this wouldn't have happened. Anyways, I felt like I had NO ONE besides my husband to talk to so I reached out to the ladies on this website who seemed to have kind hearts. There were a few women that would message back and forth with me pretty much everyday for weeks/months and although they no longer message me anymore because they are busy with their lives, and it does hurt my heart that they are no longer checking up on me, I cannot deny that they played a huge part in my grieving and healing. There is still 1 lady I talk to and I thank God I have her otherwise as silly as it may sound, I would feel completely alone.

I often feel like I don't belong. Like my life will never be as happy as it would be if my son were here. I describe myself to my husband as an empty shell -- I'm still me on the outside, but inside I feel there is not much left. I too am pregnant again, about 12 weeks along, and I feel guilty. It's hard to explain but what if I can't love this baby as much as I loved my son? Horrible right? I can't help these feelings..... when my son was taken from this earth he took a large portion of my heart with him. My family destroyed whatever little bit of my heart that was left. Don't get me wrong I love this new little one that I carry so much, but how could it ever compare to the love I have for my son? I wish I didn't feel this way but it's all part of the guilt that I mentioned. I still have a long ways to go with my grieving and healing. Some days I take 2 steps forward and the next it feels like I took 2 steps back to where I started.

I know this probably isn't helping you feel better but I do understand your pain. I feel like I am right there with you. I'm sorry I don't have advice. I have no idea what my future holds, but all I can do at this point is hold on and move forward at my own pace.

Sending you my thoughts and prayers. ((big hugs))

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June 28th, 2013, 10:43 AM
momof8lopez's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: illinois
Posts: 8,894
Sounds like Ame understands this best. I can't even begin to imagine your pain as I never lost a baby at your stage in pregnancy. I would only imagine that I too, would feel isolated and alone. I know I'm the type of person who make those feelings worse by "not letting any one in". I need to be alone and isolated, even though it hurts worse. It's my way of grieving. Once Im at a place to open up, I feel like I can better fit in. We do have a grieving board here on JM, I've never posted in it, but maybe you can sort through some of the process of grieving and get some answers as to what steps to take next.

Im so sorry for your new pregnancy to be so over shadowed with all this sorrow, for both you and Ame, it breaks my heart. Brittanie, another JM member maybe will chime in as to what she went through over the years after her loss. She has had several baby's since then, and I think she knows the process better than anyone. Lots of love to both of you.
momma of 8 beautiful children now. Most recent is Jerry Jr. born 11/19/12 at 37wk, 7lbs 6oz and 19.5inches and Baby Reymundo born 10/7/13 at 35w6d, 6lbs 7oz, 19.5 inches. Momma of 5 angels. New siggy to come!

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July 7th, 2013, 07:30 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,095
Congratulations on your rainbow!
I am sorry that you're feeling this way. I didn't have much support in my everyday life because I didn't know anyone that had been through stillbirth once, let alone twice. People tried to be nice, but talking about it made them uncomfortable, so I just didn't. I came to JM for support, both the Stillbirth and PAL boards, and that helped immeasurably. I feel very badly for both you and Ame because the Stillbirth board has become so quiet, but if either of you need anything or just need to chat, feel free to message me.

I will say that having my rainbow made a huge difference in my grieving process. She doesn't replace Eva or Declan, but so much of the pain I was feeling was related to wanting another child so badly, and the fear that it would never happen.

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July 8th, 2013, 02:15 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
Posts: 7,513
I am so sorry that you are feeling that way. No one should make you feel like that. We all grieve in different ways, why should your support stop just because you are pregnant? That isn't fair, it might be hard for some of them to cope seeing you pregnant, but for me, it would give me some hope. Hope that there is something beyond a loss. I had earlier losses and can't begin to imagine what you are going through, but this board has helped me through my anxiety, fears, etc and I hope it helps you too!

Hugs and congratulations on your pregnancy!
4/2008 8/2011

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July 9th, 2013, 09:28 AM
Pitridge's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Sunny California
Posts: 10,074
I am so sorry you feel this way. I think that just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that you are not grieving. I know it might be hard for the other woman, but isn't that also part of the grieving process. When I had my lost, there was a girl where I work that came to see me often, she was pg and everyone keep talking about how cute she looked and the baby bump. It was very hard...
The ladies here are wonderful, they have been a great support system for me, I know I don't come often, but I know they will always be there if I need them. I hope you find that support that you need here.
Congrats on your pg!

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