Log In Sign Up

How do I answer this question?

Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to [email protected].

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree4Likes
  • 1 Post By lelila
  • 3 Post By Boos Moo

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
December 8th, 2013, 07:00 AM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,734
I just "revealed" at work on Friday. I have a new boss this year and wanted to wait until after my performance review. I like him a lot, but I'm up for a promotion/raise and was wary of having my pregnancy call that into question. Thankfully he's delighted, very supportive and the promotion is still coming through. So after that, I shared with a few other people, and almost all of them asked me "Was this a surprise, or were you trying?"

I really don't like that question. I don't want to talk about having 3 miscarriages over the past year, and I don't like anyone's interest in what I'm doing with my sex life.

I am also anticipating that question from my in-laws. They don't know- and I'm uncertain whether we'll just show up at Christmas with my belly, or if DH will tell them in advance. We are not close with them, mainly because in the past my FIL was EXTREMELY pushy about us having kids. This was when we were first married, and I spent several years politely deflecting until one day I told him firmly to lay off, that it was none of his business, and if/when it was we'd tell him. (This did not go over well- he is a huge drama queen and the rest of the family indulges him). They do not know about our losses.

The best I can think of is "It wasn't unexpected" or else for more casual, lighthearted inquiries, being kind of wink-wink and saying "Well, you know what happens when a man and woman love eachother very much..."
Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 07:28 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,325
I like your second response!

I haven't gotten that question... But if I did I think I would just say "oh wow, that's such a personal question!" And then move on.

People are so nosey. Why do people think it is acceptable to ask these questions?

DD #1 born April 5, 2013; 9 lbs 11 oz
Baby # 2 due late July 2015.... Shhhhhh! Facebook doesn't know yet!
Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 09:28 AM
kaylakay's Avatar Love Being A Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Utah
Posts: 1,472
Everyone at work found out I was pregnant very early because when you work in labor and delivery it's a very hard secret to keep. Especially when you are throwing up in the bathroom. but anyway my point is people asked me that too. I almost feel like it's rude.

This is what I say "Babies happen when they happen..." Or something along those lines. We were trying... But I don't want to be like "Yeah we tried for 3 months and now I'm pregnant" blah blah blah.

Forever missing my 3 angel babies. Sep 2010, Nov 2010, Jan 2011
Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 10:22 AM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,915
Mel, I like the answers you suggested. My favorite is "It wasn't unexpected"... but if someone is super nosey I suppose that reply could lead to further questioning.

Why do people think it's appropriate to ask that? I got that question a lot with my first and It made me feel uncomfortable. By my second pregnancy no one asked because I'm sure everyone knew our situation well enough to know we want children and it was indeed planned.

Oh, when we announced our second pregnancy to my MIL (we waited to tell her last) she said "I didn't know y'all were trying." I didn't know we needed to give her details about our sexual life.

Last edited by Ame C; December 8th, 2013 at 10:29 AM.
Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 11:57 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,263
I like your answer "when two people love each other very much". It is none of their business. You also have the option to just ignore the question and either make them uncomfortable with silence- or change the topic all together.

Maybe, if you feel like being mean- you can mention one sex comment- they'll prob feel so uncomfortable!

Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 11:59 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,325
Oh Ames! We told my parents in law and my FIL said "I was wondering if that was in the works." Now, I detest the man to begin with but that totally made me think he was wondering about our sex life.... And it really creeped me out! Ugh!

I've been fairly lucky so far and people haven't been too nosey. I have gotten a few belly pats but from people I know, so it's not so bad.

DD #1 born April 5, 2013; 9 lbs 11 oz
Baby # 2 due late July 2015.... Shhhhhh! Facebook doesn't know yet!
Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 02:01 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
My answer is always "we don't come by babies easily so we take what we can get." I think it is rude. I mean, for me, a few people knew we were trying becuase of my loss in February. My mom spread the news to my family because they were starting to get nosey about Marsi starting to get old enough for a sibling. None of my family understand what it is to take 9 months with losses to get pregnant. I am open about my losses. I am open to people knowing that babies are sometimes not easy to be blessed with. It drives me up the wall when people want to know intimate details.

Thank you *kiliki* for my beautiful siggy!

Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 02:21 PM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,235
I've been asked SO MANY times if this pregnancy was a surprise (no one knows about our previous losses) especially since we are older parents and there will be 8 years between DS and this baby.

I tell them "No, we knew what would happen if we had sex and we feel blessed that it happened to us". Most people are so shocked that I actually said the word *GASP* "sex" out loud, that they don't ask anything further.
Ame C likes this.
Leia 42 yrs young

Wife to Big Bull 41
Mommy to Big Brother our first Miracle Feb 24 2006
Mommy to Little Brother, our Rainbow, March 24, 2014

Never Forgetting our Angels 2012, 2013
Reply With Quote
December 8th, 2013, 03:30 PM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,249
Love that Leia. I've only had my aunt ask that and I replied, 'we were trying and it was a surprise'. I've had 2 people close to me hint at it though. I think I'm in the same boat as Leia in that I'm older and I have a 10 year gap between DD and this baby (and an 11 year gap between DS and DD). So when people have asked me about it, or hinted about it, I go into my long story about how hard it was to get DD (all the medicines and years trying), my loss (I usually only mention the one at 20 weeks because most people who know me know about that one), and all my health issues, and on and on. I think they get more than they bargained for and never ask again

Reply With Quote
December 9th, 2013, 06:41 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 2,283
I hate that question as well. I think it bothers me much more when certain people ask. I'm dreading when my co-workers find out (if they haven't suspected yet). I'm not planning on announcing it here, just waiting for people to start getting brave and ask me because they see my belly lol There's this lady who sits right next to me, I bet she'll be the first to say anything, she's rude and has no filter, I can't wait for her to ask if I'm pregnant. I'd love to just say "NO" and teach her a lesson, maybe she'd keep her big pie hole shut from now on.
Reply With Quote
December 9th, 2013, 07:09 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,409
Oh I hate that question and with already having 2 I get that question all the time. i just usually laugh and then don't answer. I mean it's none of their business. but I do like both your answers. i don't know why people feel the need to ask something personal like that. i just think well all babies are a gift and are wonderful so who gives a flip if we were trying or if it was a surprise we are pregnant now and that's what matters.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
Reply With Quote
December 9th, 2013, 07:21 AM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,249
A friend of mine always tells people 'does it matter?'.
Ame C, Schofield06 and CLS2616 like this.

Reply With Quote
December 9th, 2013, 02:43 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 2,364
I haven't had this question. Probably because many people know about our losses. I can't help but think that I'd end up saying something pretty snarky though. People are just too nosy....
Aug. 21 2012
Mar. 31 2013
Reply With Quote

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:15 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0