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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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January 29th, 2014, 07:35 PM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,249
So on Tuesday I had my 28 week u/s. And u/s are always a little hard for me (not as hard now that I feel her a lot, but still). I always flash back to baby Shoshana's 20 week u/s where they found no HB. And it always takes me a minute before I can look at the screen to see if there is still a HB. Which is one of the reasons I like DH to go with me, he'll look the whole time and he always says something (like 'oh there's her little heart' or 'look at those legs kicking'), and then that's usually when I look. I have had 2 u/s this time where he wasn't there (one was at the ER early on for the spotting, but the doctor told me there was a HB, and the other one was a surprise one at my old doctor's office).
So flash forward to Tuesday - our insurance company always sends out reminder cards for you visits and they like you to check in 15 mins early (and I have a thing where I can't be late for thing, I just can't). So when I write the appointments in my book I write down the check in time and bring my reminder card so I know for sure when my appointment is (I know I have issues). Well this week I got confused (I can blame pregnancy brain right?) and thought the check in time was my appointment time, so we got there a half hour before my appointment time. We also had DD (she's 10) with us because this week there was no class day. So right away she starts to complain we have to wait so long and can't her and DH go get ice cream or do something. DH reminds her that he doesn't like to have to wait for things either, but that it's important to me for him to be there. So she is still complaining and asking for ice cream (not being whiny but still annoying me). So I tell them if they have something to go do for 1/2 an hour go ahead, but to be back in half an hour. So DH had to go measure a door at a condo we own (the carpet guys broke it when putting in the carpet there) and said he could go do that. I said make sure you're back in 30 minutes. He said he wasn't sure if he could and that they'd just stay. But DD starts to ask to go do something again and asking for ice cream (we hadn't even had lunch yet). She was getting on my nerves and I told her to stop complaining and that not everything was about what she wanted to do. And there were no magazines for DH to read in the waiting room so I told DH to just take DD if he wanted (I could tell he was getting antsy) and I'd go by myself. So they did with plans to try to make it back before my appointment was over (this time they actually would allow DD to come in after the initial exam if she wanted and they would print out pictures they said). These big u/s usually take awhile (up to almost an hour if baby is not co-operating). So as soon as they left I decided to call my 'sister' to pass some time and check in with her. Got her voicemail. Right after that (not even 5 minutes after DH and DD left) the tech calls my name. I tried to call DH, but he didn't have his cell with him that day. So off I go (by myself, sigh). The guy was nice enough, but I think he might have been trying to get to lunch, he seemed rushed. First thing he tells me is my bladder is empty and he'll have to do a transvaginal u/s to measure my cervix since he can't get a good shot with the regular u/s. This didn't bother me because they normally have to do one of those anyways because of my c/s scar. I just don't know how my bladder was empty because I'd been drinking tea and water all morning and didn't use the restroom before leaving the house like normal (let me tell you I had to pee so bad afterwords). So apparently baby was very co-operative and he got all his measurements really quick. Then measured the cervix (apparently I don't have a shortened cervix? I think he would have told me, but who knows, they can't tell you anything). So in all I was in and out in about 15 minutes. And I was so upset about DH not being there that I forgot to ask for pictures. The only thing the tech did say was she's measuring as weighing 3 1/2 pounds.
So I thought I'd be ok going by myself, but I was overwhelmed or got my feeling hurt or am just plain hormonal (or all of that). So I went outside to wait for them and while waiting checked my voicemail, my 'sister' had called back and said she'd be home if I wanted to update her. So I tried her back, no answer. Decided I'd call my aunt, no answer. Left them both messages and then sat and waited. Then the tears started. I felt so alone, like no one cared. Which I totally know isn't true at all. But I swear hormones were flooding my body like crazy. I had to go into the restroom to get some tissue and dry my eyes. Went back outside, trying to keep my composure. About 5 minutes later DH and DD pull up and I tell them they missed my appointment since they called me in almost immediately after they left. DH said if he'd known that I'd be called so soon they would have stayed (and I know this is true, but I just didn't care). So I was quiet and off to lunch we went. I was pretty much quiet the rest of the day (hurt feelings/hormones/etc). DH knew something was bothering me (although I did tell him the u/s looked fine and she was wiggling during the whole thing), but I didn't want to talk about it because I knew I'd break into tears and I knew it was hormones driving me to tears and wasn't his fault and didn't want him to feel bad.
So I ended up taking a bath and going to bed early. But woke up around midnight and couldn't get back to sleep. So I decided I might was well finish my painting. Well by 4:30 I decided I needed to get some more sleep, took a warm bath and back to bed. DH woke up at 8:30 (he didn't know how little sleep I'd gotten) and kissed me and asked if I was feeling better. I was still feeling sad and just told him I'd been up most the night. He had a meeting with our new insurance guy to go to, so he told me to get some more rest and headed out. Well of course once I've been woken up I'm up.
So today I'm feeling better (at least I typed this out without breaking into tears, tried last night but couldn't), but still feeling sad.
I don't know what the whole point of this post (story) is, but I just wanted to get it out. I know by tomorrow I should be back to my more cheerful self, but yesterday sucked. I feel like I had the joy of what should have been a fun u/s taken from me. I know that's not true, but it's how I felt.
Sorry this is so long and to complain, but man I think my hormones are really out of whack or something.

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January 29th, 2014, 07:46 PM
Just keep breathing.
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,734
Oh man, huge hugs to you. And you absolutely don't have to apologize for complaining or writing as much as you like- who understands more than we do? I know EXACTLY how you feel, how hard ultrasounds are, and how frustrating and disappointing it is when your DH left and then you were just waiting by yourself with no support. What a sucky day.
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January 29th, 2014, 08:19 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Missouri
Posts: 2,364
No need to apologize. I get how you feel. Sorry yesterday was so rough.
Aug. 21 2012
Mar. 31 2013
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January 29th, 2014, 09:08 PM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,249
Thanks. I didn't feel like talking to anyone IRL because I'm still feeling emotional about it. Plus nobody that I know IRL has suffered a loss (or at least not that I know) and I feel like they (even DH) just don't get it. I just wanted to let it out and vent. I know that people care, but every once in awhile you can forget that for a moment or two. Or even know it but your emotions or hormones just get away from you. I just couldn't stop the tears last night. I probably just needed that emotional release. Thanks for understanding.

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January 29th, 2014, 10:51 PM
Danielle80's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Hunter Army Airfield (Richmond Hill), Ga
Posts: 3,667
Hugs! It's normal to emotional. It's normal to be hormonal and considering us' have been an issue in the past it's normal for you to feel the way you did. I think you handled yourself very well. Take the time you need to process what you are feeling. It's ok. I am praying for you! Oh and 3.5 lbs! That's wonderful.
Danielle: Mom to Caitlyn (16), Brooklynn (12), Jackson (8), Lincoln (5), & Baby Harrison

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January 30th, 2014, 03:28 AM
..Michelle..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 1,299
Oh hun...get over here lemme give you a hug !
Sounds like me last night. I started eating dinner later than hubby and he looks at me, dead serious look on his face and says "You can't eat that, you're getting fat."
Now I know he was joking, really I do but I just burst out in tears and threw my plate at him. Over react much?! Yeah I did but couldn't help it.
's to you sweetie! I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

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January 30th, 2014, 04:55 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
I have had those exact feelings. No one cares, when really there are valid reasons why they couldn't answer the phone. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Thank you *kiliki* for my beautiful siggy!

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January 30th, 2014, 06:46 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 2,283
Awww You poor thing. I feel so bad for you! lol I think it's so normal for you to be feeling that way. We've had experiences that our guys don't understand and that our children don't understand. I would have been upset too. I hope you start feeling better. I cried just now reading your post and THINKING about my 20 week ultrasound next week, cried yesterday (I honestly don't remember why now) I know I cried the night before just because I start thinking crazy thoughts lol We are all just a big bag of hormones at times, no biggie!
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January 30th, 2014, 07:58 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,409
Hugs what a day you had. I know for me it always seems like when one thing goes wrong they all go wrong into this darn snowball effect and with the pregnancy hormones it is all so bad. I'm sure most of yours was your pregnancy hormones but I hope that you are feeling much better today.

I'm glad that your ultrasound was ok though. Men don't understand much about what goes on with us during pregnancy. My hubby seems to think I just go a bit crazy during pregnancy.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
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January 30th, 2014, 02:27 PM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,249
Thank you so much ladies, you made me smile, and Michelle I'm sorry, but I laughed out loud about the plate
I do feel so much better. I knew I would. It always takes me a couple of days to process when I get down and to get back on track. I just felt like a big bag of hormonal tears. That night when I couldn't sleep I decided to paint the stars and hearts on the vine in the nursery and I just kept crying. I felt silly trying to paint and crying and was so glad no one could see me because I just couldn't stop. And I knew I was crying for no reason. Luckily baby kept reminding me that she was there.
But today I'm doing much better, even after going to L&D last night. I did get some good sleep after getting back home (luckily we homeschool and I'm a SAHM so no schedule today to keep to).
I know I've said it before, but it means a lot to me to have people who know where I'm coming from. Hugs back to all of you.

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