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Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss


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  • 3 Post By lelila
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February 4th, 2014, 04:54 AM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,915
DH has been saying he wanted several children close in age for years now. Practically the whole time we have been together and we hit the 10 year anniversary in January. I was always only wanting 1 kid, 2 tops. During my pregnancy with Toren DH would ask me when we wanted to start ttc again. I would say 1-2 years and he would try to talk me into being ready to try sooner. My reasoning for wanting to wait is because my body desperately needs a break. Plus being pregnant sucks!! If I could skip the whole 9-10 months of nausea, extreme pain, and non-stop stressing out I TOTALLY WOULD!

Anyways, that's the back story.
So yesterday I thought maybe aunt flow showed up. But I've been having my postpartum spotting come and go over and over. Turns out it was the pp spotting unless my period was only heavy for 2 pads then went away completely. I told DH I thought maybe it was my period but then later told him I think it was a false alarm. I brought up the ttc conversation again just to see where he was at with that. Except instead of asking him when HE wanted to ttc again, I made a joke saying "My ovaries are tingling" with a big smile on my face and touching DH's leg as if to gesture naughty insinuations. DH was like "You only get one since you can't even handle him."

Say what?!
I think I've been doing a darn good job! I asked DH why he thought I couldn't handle Toren and he brought up the morning I barely got a wink of sleep and told Toren to stop crying in a pissy tone of voice. Whatever. I was cranky and I felt bad after I said it so I know I wasn't being the best mommy during that moment, but I'm entitled to have my witchy moments... right?

I do NOT want to get pregnant again until 1 or 2 years. But after DH said that... I dunno... it was like reverse psychology or something. Now I'm thinking does he really only want 1? Am I really okay with only having 1? Does he think I can't handle two close in age? Can I handle two close in age? It's like when someone tells you that you can't do something, but it makes you want to do it just to prove them wrong.

.... Maybe I do want Toren to have a sibling close in age.
......... But pregnancy sucks so bad!!!! I can't deal with it again right away. I just can't!

I'm sure when the time is right DH and I both will be ready to start trying again. But the fact that he thinks I can't handle it is making me nutty. He's probably right, but I don't like to hear it. Plus I don't want the reason why we don't end up having anymore children is because my hubby doesn't think I can handle anymore. I can't imagine that would make any woman feel good. I want to shake him for saying it!! Grrr

But yea, that is all.

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February 4th, 2014, 06:47 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,235
Awww Ame! I'm sorry you had that conversation at all! It's always a tough decision, especially when you are a brand new mom and dad.

Being a new parent is NOT easy and anyone that throws judgement your way, be it a spouse or relative or friend is not being nice. You've had only ONE witchy moment? Good for you! I can't tell you how many times both DH and I just sat there in tears because we didn't know what the heck to do with DS at times. And I've raised several children!

Cut yourself some slack - and DH too, he is probably feeling pretty overwhelmed at the moment, and doesn't want to admit it. Afterall, now he has two people relying on him. Pretty Scary. Imagine adding another one right away? He may just be saying you can't handle one, when really, it's him that can't handle one. It's projection, and it's something people do in high stress.

Don't let it get to you dear! You are going a great job. It's very easy to pick on the little things during this time - everything is new and scary and it is so easy to over analyze everything that happens - because you both want to be perfect.

About having a second right away - trust your instinct. You will know when you are ready. My advice is don't have a baby for someone else, that includes Toren. Both DH and you need to want it and feel ready. If you are feeling uneasy, talk to your OB about how long your body AND your mind needs to heal.
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February 4th, 2014, 07:03 AM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,249
Oh hugs, I can imagine how hurtful that was, especially coming from DH. That said, I think Leia is onto something, he's feeling overwhelmed. Heck you both have a 1 month old, sleep is iffy, emotions and hormones (on both sides) are out of whack. I would wait until you feel ready to discuss ttc again.
After the birth of DS I really only wanted one myself and I really wanted DH to get the big V. Obviously he didn't and it took years before I was ready to even think about having another child (I was young at the time, 21). And it was 8 years before we ttc again.
Give you (and DH) a break. I'm sure you're both just doing your best and with all the stress of not only having a NB, but all the other stuff in life, sometimes things will just spill out even though you or him don't really mean them.
Lots of hugs.
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February 4th, 2014, 07:03 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: St. Louis
Posts: 2,283
First of all, you can handle it lol IF you were to get pregnant right now, you'd handle it just fine. We all would because we have to.

I think every guy has said something idiotic at some point. I remember when Tatum was a newborn. I think I had a little bit of the post partum depression, I'd be completely happy and fine during the day but once evening crept up I'd start crying because I was so exhausted and knew Tatum would be waking up at least twice during the night to eat. I was TRYING to breast feed/pump and to pump I was told you had to do it at least every three hours to keep your milk supply going. I had PUPPS rash which made me miserable and itchy, I also was dealing with 4th degree tearing that resulted in some other complications (I was going to have to have reconstructive surgery to fix it). I was under A LOT of stress!!! LOL I was crying one night because Tatum was crying and I didn't know what to do, my husband takes her and stomps away saying "You're the one who wanted a baby" I wanted to slap him. It was rude and inconsiderate, like it was all my doing and he had nothing to do with it and it just made me mad because WE wanted a baby, a family.

You are both just stressed, even though you (or he) may think your not, having a baby is life changing and it's tough!!! Not to mention everything you went through in the past. You will know when you are ready for a second baby Give your body a rest, there's no rush!!
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February 4th, 2014, 07:47 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
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That was awful of him, but I too think the responsibility is hitting him hard right now. I don't recall DH saying things like that to me. At a little over 2 months old, DH was a SAHD animal I was working. The opposite of everything we wanted and expected. We survived. Marsi survived. He learned what it really meant to be a full time parent. I think that saved us in all honesty.
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February 4th, 2014, 08:58 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
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Amy I'm so sorry that he said that to you. Being a mother for the first time can be hard and especially since you've still got alot of those hormones going through you. you can feel crazy sometimes. you can definitely handle 2. I know right after Jacob was born I had my moments where I just wanted to break down because I didn't think I could handle it but you just work everything out.

And don't feel bad about having a witchy mommy moment. I've had alot of those in my day. I always feel guilty afterwards.

I'm sure your hubby will change his mind when Toren gets a little bit older. We always wanted 2 kids but after Jackson was born it was so hard I was determined to only have 1 but when he was around 1 I changed my mind. My husband said that he always knew that I would change my mind so he just let me say that until I changed my mind. Those first few months with a new baby are so hard especially when you are breastfeeding. I would find times where I would just break down and cry because I just knew that I couldn't do it anymore and the breastfeeding was so hard but we worked through it and eventually everything got good.

You'll have your hard days but then you'll have your easy and good days. Eventually you will definitely have more good days than hard days.
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February 4th, 2014, 09:31 AM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
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You ladies make good points and I hope you're right. I can honestly say that being a new parent is really freakin awesome! It's also really freakin hard at times! I bet he is a little overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed and scatterbrained every now and then that's for sure. The hardest part for me is waking up when my body isn't ready yet. The exhaustion makes me witchy. Once I'm up and awake I'm energized, but I take my sleep seriously.

Oh and breastfeeding was a lot different and harder than I imagined. The first 2 days he latched well but would sleep all the time!! I could not get him to wake up to eat no matter what I did. I remember one day he went over 9 hours between one of his feedings and I was worried he would be losing weight instead of gaining and making it back to his birth weight. I would offer him the breast over and over but he just wouldn't take it. THEN my milk came in and my breasts were engorged. Everything was hard as rocks including my nipples and it hurt like heck! Toren suddenly wasn't able to latch. I'm assuming because my nipples and breasts were so hard, and his jaw and lips were so weak he would get frustrated that he couldn't nurse and threw a fit. I had to pump for a few days until we worked on his latch and he became less sleepy and more interested in nursing. NOW it's challenging because all he wants to do is nurse. I don't mind except I can't go anywhere without him throwing a fit because he wants to be attached to me at the boob. I'm not exaggerating either.. if he's awake he wants to BF and he wants to sleep in my arms with my nipple in his mouth even though he isn't suckling.

I tried a pacifier. The ironic thing about that is I was one of those people who were against pacifiers because I didn't want my baby to prefer a paci over BF'ing. Or to be one of those kids who are addicted to it and needs to be sucking on a paci 24/7 to be happy. Well Toren hates his paci. No nipple confusion here. Downside to that is he wants me to be his paci. But I'm told the first 3ish months are the "4th trimester" because they are literally still attached to you if you breastfeed <--- I didn't know this. I thought babies eat with 2-3 hours between their feedings. Not every 15-30 minutes between feedings if you breastfeed. It makes me feel guilty when I need a baby break and Toren is crying for me because he wants me. I can't be mad about it though... I'm his whole life right now. He NEEDS me. It's just sometimes I need a break. I'm sure DH has sympathy frustration from that.
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February 4th, 2014, 09:47 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 14,409
I was just like you on the paci's. We refused to give Jackson one but he sucked his thumb so he had something else beside me to pacify on. When Jacob came along I didn't care I tried everything to help soothe him. He like Toren hated paci's and would launch the darn thing out of his mouth everytime. I can remember one night when he wouldn't stop crying that DH actually held the paci in his mouth a minute or so trying to get him to latch on. Nobody tells you how hard breastfeeding actually is but just keep at. You guys will eventually develop a wonderful breastfeeding relationship. i know with Jacob it was so hard because he also used me as a paci but eventually it got much easier and it was so rewarding. And so wonderful. I love the breastfeeding relationship.
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February 4th, 2014, 12:19 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Missouri
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I'm sorry you're DH was like that. It reminds me of a conversation I had with my SIL.

She was talking about how her husband told her he didn't think she could handle more kids. She made a really good point though. Your DH will see you at your hard moments as a mother, but won't see other mom's go through those moments. So they have this perspective that other moms are handling things better and easier when that's simply not true. They have just as many hard moments and mess ups as anyone else. You're just not there to see them.

I agree that he's probably stressed out and overwhelmed as well, but I think that his point of view may be a little skewed as well. I'm sure that there are many dads who think and say these kinds of things. Especially right after a new baby when it's all so hard.
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February 4th, 2014, 01:19 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
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I'm sorry your DH said that. It wasn't nice at all. It sounds like you are handling Toren really well considering he wants to be attached to the breast 24/7. I recall with Ethan, when he was a newborn, he was so hard to settle down and cried a LOT. But then, that was his normal for his first year of life. I remember for the first week I had at least one emotional breakdown a day. Bawling because I couldn't get him to stop crying. Being a new mother is hard---heck being a second-time mother is hard. Motherhood is a HUGE challenge and takes more out of you than you think you have in you. But somehow you manage to survive it and hopefully your kids do too! You are attending to Toren's needs, no matter how much you cry, get cranky, or feel moody, you are taking good care of your baby. Now, if you were not feeding him adequately or were otherwise endangering his health or safety, THEN someone could tell you, "You can't handle him". But if it's just that you lost your cool? Pshaw, that's part of being a mom!
I like Schofield's SIL's perspective. It really makes sense.

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February 4th, 2014, 01:42 PM
Boos Moo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 4,249
I think BF babies like to be attached because heck, they've been with you for 9 months. You said it - you are his world. It will get easier I'm sure. Don't feel like you can't ask for help either, call the La Leche people or let your ob/gyn know and they can get help or support. I know there are support groups everywhere it seems.
I know I'm going to need help/support for sure when the time comes.
Hang in there and I hope you get some good rest, or at least some rest.

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February 4th, 2014, 03:08 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,452
I am sorry your DH said that. Having not had a baby yet I really dont have much insight to offer but it does sound like being a new parent is an extremely stressful time for both parents. Hang in there! I know you can do it


Cautiously expecting Seamonkey #2 Due Oct 4th

Missing our angels:
Molar pregnancy loss (12 weeks) - 1/2013
Missed Miscarriage (10 weeks) - 6/2013
Early Miscarriage (5 weeks) - 12/2016

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