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Desperately need words of encouragement


Forum: Pregnancy and Motherhood After Loss

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  #1  
September 11th, 2016, 06:23 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1
My husband and I, 42 and 44 years old, respectively, had our stillborn daughter, Ella Kobani Kurmanj, on July 13 after prenatal care with The Farm midwives. She was born on her due date and was alive earlier in the day. The midwife finally came and didn't find a heartbeat late that night. We had to go to the hospital, where the ultrasound showed she was transverse and would have to be delivered by c section.

Our first pregnancy ended the day after the first day of a missed period. The second pregnancy was ectopic and ruptured, resulting in emergency surgery and salpingectomy on my left side. We accidentally got pregnant two months later, but miscarried at 9 weeks. We stopped trying for awhile but got pregnant again the next year, only to miscarry at 8 weeks.

With Kobani, I started progesterone immediately when I found out I was pregnant and there were absolutely no problems or complications with the pregnancy. I followed a strict diet and exercise regimen to avoid gestational diabetes and unnecessary weight gain. I didn't gain a single pound. So after her birth, I was actually 15 pounds lighter than when I conceived.

The surgeon doesn't know what went wrong-- there were no obvious signs of a problem with the baby, the cord wasn't around her neck and the cord blood and placenta tests came back normal. I was having irregular, strong but short contractions all day and spots of blood, but I thought it was normal and the midwife said it was pre-labor.

Anyway, I am 42 now and recovering from a c section. My husband is so distraught, he won't talk about it at all, much less about trying again. And at this point, it's become an obsession for me. After all, we have been trying to have a baby this whole time. I'm terrified one of us will get sick or die before we are able to try again or after all of this, we won't be able to get pregnanct or if we do get pregnant, I am so high risk, there is likely to be a serious problem.

I just need someone to tell me it will be alright and that I can still have a happy, healthy baby. In addition to grieving my beautiful, perfect baby girl, I am horrified that that was my last chance and I blew it (and killed my daughter) by choosing a home birth. I keep reading blogs for reassurance, but finally decided to put our story out there.
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  #2  
December 2nd, 2016, 04:36 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 6,913
I am so sorry you received no replies to your post. I don't often visit here, but I know this blog has slowed way down from meat it used to be years ago when I had a miscarriage.
I can't imagine the pain of stillbirth. Your heart must be utterly shattered.
Can I give you a few "tips", so to speak? It won't make the pain go away, but maybe it will help ease your mind a bit.
Feeling guitly is pretty much universal among women who lose a baby. As the mother, WE are responsible for that little life, to nurture it, care for it, eat right, take our vitamins, etc. So we feel acutely responsible when something goes wrong.
Many women deliver with no problems at a homebirth. I doubt very much that your choice to do so had anything to do with your baby passing away. I know a woman who also had a stillbirth. She did everything right, too, like you. She went to the hospital. She was full term. But her baby had no heartbeat, just like yours. She didn't do anything wrong, and the doctors did not know why her baby died, either. Sometimes it seems like it could be easier if there were an explanation. Im sorry you didn't get one. It makes you agonize over whether it was your fault (I know I still wonder to this day, 5 years later).
Another thought, you and your husband are likely going to be grieving in different ways. Many men cope by pushing the pain away and throwing themselves into their work. They may get angry because of the pain they see you suffering, and them being unable to fix it or make it better. They love their lady and want her to be OK, but that's not always possible.
As for whether you can go on to conceive and carry to term, I can't tell you that, but I can tell you that many women do go on to have healthy babies after a loss. If you haven't already, you may want to get some reproductive testing done to see if there is a reason for your difficulty keeping a pregnancy. Perhaps some endocrine testing as well to see if hormones are to blame? Although you may have already done that if you took progesterone. Can I also suggest checking your thyroid, since under-functioning of the thyroid can cause miscarriage? I sure hope you are doing all right and that you can go on to have your rainbow baby. My friend who had a stillbirth, went on to have TWO healthy pregnancies after she had a stillbirth. You will never forget the baby you lost, though. The pain gets more periodic and less constant, but it doesn't really completely go away. I still miss my Little Bud (the baby I miscarried), and I only had him or her with me for about 12 weeks, not a full pregnancy.
Big hugs.

Last edited by EverydayJoy; December 2nd, 2016 at 04:39 PM.
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  #3  
March 17th, 2017, 11:39 AM
rachelc0's Avatar 2 sons, 5 angel babies
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 957
I had a stillborn baby boy, June 2014, the day before his due date. while I elected for the typical "doctor birth", I still lost him, and there were no obvious signs to his demise either. so I'm proof that even if you would have went to a doctor, this still could have happened. best wishes xoxo
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  #4  
July 18th, 2017, 12:26 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: 378
All of mine were at home, including my miscarriage. With my first it saved her life: the labor was 52hrs long, and I'm not kidding. All prenatal scans were normal, and there were no warning signs for anything. If we had gone to our doctor in the hospital the procedure was to hurry the birth by pitocin and cause stronger contracting, but we were at home, and I was handling it well so I wanted to tough it out. When she was born... The placenta literally fell to pieces and I hemorrhaged. We didn't know that I had placenta 'edema' where the placenta was oversized and too soft and if the labor was harder I would have hemorrhaged before she was born risking both our lives. I say this to show that both hospital and home have their benefits in different situations, and some things you just can't know beforehand.
Be strong, and don't blame yourself. Give your husband time too, don't pressure him, at least yours feels the loss.
And there is no reason why you should not go on to have a healthy baby from here, just start now in making sure you are taking charge of your health and are in prime shape for your 'rainbow' after the storm!
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  #5  
September 24th, 2017, 09:27 PM
Lyndsey2013's Avatar expecting in June 2018
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 670
I was in a completely different situation last June. I went to the ER for abdominal pain thinking my appendix might the problem... not knowing I was pregnant due to irregular periods and light spotting 3 weeks prior... it turns out I had an ectopic pregnancy and my tube ruptured. I went on depo twice after this (so covered for 6 months, until December), and now after 9 months I am pregnant with my 1 remaining tube at the age of 32. Although different circumstances, I am still hoping this turns out to be a success story. I had betas drawn Friday (50), and again today (results tomorrow). I am hopeful this baby will stick and I won't lose my remaining tube .
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Juliana Rose, 1/7/13
Gabriel Tomás, 4/29/14
***ectopic rupture*** 6/2/16
expecting live baby #3! DUE 6/2/18

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  #6  
September 27th, 2017, 08:02 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: North Carolina, USA
Posts: 378
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyndsey2013 View Post
I was in a completely different situation last June. I went to the ER for abdominal pain thinking my appendix might the problem... not knowing I was pregnant due to irregular periods and light spotting 3 weeks prior... it turns out I had an ectopic pregnancy and my tube ruptured. I went on depo twice after this (so covered for 6 months, until December), and now after 9 months I am pregnant with my 1 remaining tube at the age of 32. Although different circumstances, I am still hoping this turns out to be a success story. I had betas drawn Friday (50), and again today (results tomorrow). I am hopeful this baby will stick and I won't lose my remaining tube .
My mom had me and my brother after the same story! But look out for signs of post partum endometriosis, likely after tube rupture.
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