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Do they understand?

Broken heart - not broken Woman

A place to share stories of grief about your birth. Whether you had a c-section or a vaginal birth, doesn't matter. This is a place for ALL grieving moms to support each other.

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May 1st, 2010, 10:12 AM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,336
the people close to you, do they understand why you're so sad about the experience? Or do they feed you "who cares, the baby is healthy" crap?

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
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May 1st, 2010, 11:11 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 7,430
I have only had 1 friend that understands how I feel..

But other than that... its the "baby is healthy" crap... and it just pees me off even more, so I have stopped talking about my birth experience but it still hurts 5 months later...
*9 weeks * 4/11/13
*5 weeks * 6/22/13
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May 1st, 2010, 01:48 PM
WhoaMomma!'s Avatar Danielle
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 8,446
Even people who respect my feelings (and many don't) always go "well Claire is healthy and that's what matters). What they don't seem to understand is that Claire was only ever in danger bc of interventions I didn't want!

My daughter is perfect, but her birth was not. If you or someone you love is struggling to cope with a traumatic childbirth experience, please visit http://www.solaceformothers.org/
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May 1st, 2010, 02:37 PM
ChicaChels's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: I'm a husker girl :)
Posts: 16,336
the only person who really understands me is Sam, because he feels like something very special was lost as well but everyone else is like "blahh blahhh blahhhh Brylie is healthy, so whats the problem?"

Maverick Jude
December 9, 2013
5:20PM 8lb3oz 20.5"
Hospital water birth
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May 2nd, 2010, 09:54 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 7,051
No one understands. My daughter's birth was traumatizing because she had such a rough start. It came as quite a shock, because nothing during my pregnancy or labor indicated that she wouldn't be perfectly healthy. The first time I saw my daughter, she was grey and limp and not breathing. That will be forever burned into my memory. But because she's healthy now most people feel that I should no longer be bothered by the fact that she wasn't healthy at the time of her birth.
Mama to an elementary school boy, kindergarten girl, and my miracle toddler girl.
Three 10w losses (11/2010 + 8/2011 + 10/2014)
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May 5th, 2010, 12:04 AM
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: IL
Posts: 48
No one understands. We recently celebrated DS's first birthday and people were remembering the day he was born. When DH was talking about it with me I told him that I have bad memories, and he told me not to think that way and that I should just be thankful DS is here now and healthy. Because of that I bite my tongue when anyone else mentions DS's day of birth. I wish I had someone who knew where I was coming from. Maybe then I wouldn't be so worried about going through another birth. I even had a doula at the first birth, but she helped DH more so than me. She did help me avoid a c-section by suggesting I try the vaccum. But then she went through a lot of guilt when DS had shoulder dystocia, so the first few days postpartum I remember trying to make her feel better and telling her that I don't blame her and that no one could have known the outcome. But back to the topic, the only time that I feel like I might be somewhat normal for having these feelings is when I stumble across a place like this.
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May 5th, 2010, 11:43 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,741
I've never mentioned to anyone that Noah's birth bothered me.. mainly because I know they'd tell me that there was no other choice and I do believe thats true except for a c-section and I am grateful I didn't have to go that route, but it doesn't stop the bad memories of something that should be the most wonderful thing ever.

The day before we got to take Nicky home from the NICU, we were in the car getting ready to head back down there and I completely fell apart on DH. I told him I felt like it was my fault.. like I had done something wrong during the pregnancy and caused Nicky's problems.... Told him I felt like a failure as a mother for letting everyone tell me I was hearing things when I first noticed Nicky's breathing was odd. I just cried and cried and cried nonstop for a good hour right there in the car. He held me and let me cry and really did try to convince me that none of it was my fault and it was just something that happened. And then again when I had to call 911 because Nicky choked on his formula and turned blue when he was 2 months old. He had to have thickened formula and sit upright for a half hour after eating so he wouldn't choke, but he had just pooped and was horribly fussy about it and since it had already been 25 minutes since he ate I figured I could lay him down and change him.. no sooner did I get the diaper off him and he was choking... he wouldn't cough it up and turned blue on me. I blamed myself.. and still do.. over that because I didn't wait the full 30 minutes. Dh also tried to help me through that one as best he could as well. I will say though, we do have a good support system with all our extended family when it comes to everything we've had to do/are doing/will have to do with Nicky now.. they all do understand how difficult it is at times and they worry right along with us, so I am thankful for all that.

DH is the only one I'd ever told about how I felt about Nicky and everything he went through/is still going through and I do have to say I'm lucky there because he does support me and tries his best to help me feel better about it all.
Andrea, Mama to.. Noah (2006), Nickolas (2007), Alyzabeth (2008), and Savannah (2010)

Many Many Thanks to GraysMama (Chelsea) for my AMAZING Siggy!!!

Last edited by Mama to 4 Monsters; May 5th, 2010 at 11:48 AM.
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May 5th, 2010, 04:51 PM
NutMeg76's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: United States
Posts: 20,689
I really get annoyed with the 'healthy baby' crap. Doesn't mom matter? If mom had a grade 3-4 tear and is in pain after birth, if she needs to be sewn back up and the re-construction takes 1.5 hours, she is not healthy. That is not normal. It isn't just about the baby. It is about mom too, and her future and how she feels!

With Evie the doctor did an internal exam after she was born to 'check my scar' which is a totally wrong thing to do. HE didn't tell me what he was doing, he just looked at my husband and said, 'she isn't going to like this' and then did an internal, past my cervix and into my uterus. I have had some people tell me that is no big deal! No big deal?!?!?! He assaulted me. He inserted his hand into my vagina without my consent. That is a huge friggin deal!!!! And guess what? It has been two years and I still think back to that birth and get angry. At him and at myself for not firing him sooner!

When they persisted in questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "Let the person among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7
Sail Back to Me
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July 3rd, 2011, 12:53 AM
Tree_Love's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Central California
Posts: 2,389
I broke down about my birth yesterday.. I told DH that I felt I was robbed and that DS should have gotten to come on his own.

I got the, "But we have a gorgeous baby boy now." speech. It didn't make me feel better, I pulled myself together anyhow because I knew this was how DH was trying to help me. And I didn't feel like snapping to get the point across since he had done a million and a half awesome things for me yesterday. I just wish that he could understand the way I feel about it. He was totally on board with whatever birth option I wanted; I just don't think he gets how unbelievably sad I am about not being able to choose in the end.

Elan Dakota 7/28/2012
Paxx Tarlow & Sage Finley 10/20/2012
Cael Hollis 5/3/2013

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July 30th, 2011, 08:26 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,300
It's only been 3 days and I still can't sit, walk, or roll over due to all the birth trauma. We're still in the hospital and I've broken down sooooo many times over the birth I didn't have(or rather the nightmare I did have). My husband is somewhat understanding, actually I think he's a bit tramatized as well.
We planned a peaceful home waterbirth, and ended up with what I would describe as pretty much my worst nightmare come true. My husband even mentioned that if we could do it again we'd go back to Tuesday and ask for a C section right off the bat.
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June 30th, 2013, 03:09 PM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2,029
I haven't really tried to talk too much about it with anyone. I did tell SO today how much it hurts me that I can't breastfeed because of all of the trauma to my body, etc. He just said "She'll be okay with formula, though. I know it sucks, but there's nothing we can do about it." I know he's trying to be supportive and can't possibly understand. Everyone else gives me the "All that matters is that she's healthy". Which I understand. But what they don't get is that I'll forever wonder how things would have been if I could have gone natural like I wanted. I'll always wonder if right now at 4 weeks PP I'd be in a lot less pain, happily breastfeeding, and able to do a lot more. Only 2 nights ago was I finally able to lay on my side to sleep, and it's still uncomfortable after about 30 minutes.

Everyone has said from the beginning "you tried so hard, she just wouldn't come. you did what you could and what you had to do." And that's true, but I still wish it would have been different!
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