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Fears of timeline....

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In Limbo, 6+ months, 2 week wait, 2 week wait to O.

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October 11th, 2009, 01:11 AM
Celena's Avatar Proud JM hostess
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My fears of our timeline....

We've been trying to concieve since last April 2008, here were are inching our way closer to that time... so far we've passed / passing thru 19 months, got pg twice in a row around 15-16 months into it both of which were lost... Now, is it going to take another 16 months? Or longer? Those were two of my biggest fears when DH said "well babe, we can try again, we can try until we succeed at making a baby that stays" but when???

I'm terrified by some news I need to take with a grain of salt, but the fact I got my AF at a very young age... 9 years old, so for all these years OB/GYN's told me that does NOT effect your onset of menopause, blah blah blah... well my kids pediatrician said it does! WTH am I supposed to believe? I don't need more fear and negativity added to the situation?! It's hard to maintain any innocence after you've been tainted by the loss of babies.

Can any of you relate?
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October 11th, 2009, 07:04 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
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HUGS Celena... if we start to think about it, it's all very scary indeed... I'm not sure any of us have that innocence anymore.

I don't know about early menopause, although I've heard it's genetic, and so perhaps the other women in your family are the best comparison. Regardless of whether or not it is the truth, you can't change your genetic fate, so to dwell on it or fear it will only cause unnecessary anxiety (I know- to not fear things is easier said then done!). Although I think I remember that you are fairly young, so I'm quite sure that meanie menopause is not knocking on your door anytime soon no matter what your genetic fate! So try your best to put that thought out of your mind. I'm also not sure if I remember - since you've been actively trying so long, have you gone to see any doctors about getting help?

I can totally relate to looking at the timeline of our lives and feeling so down. DH and I have only been trying 14 months or so, and we've been told that we're "lucky" that we've gotten pregnant three times. Maybe that's true. But the real truth is, that I have a problem that makes me miscarry, and my pregnancies are getting shorter. I'm still relatively young, and DH too tells me (just likes yours) that we'll just keep trying - forever. I think one day, somehow, we might be successful - but maybe not without medical intervention (that may not exist currently) - and probably not without letting go of our dreams for a big family. At the rate that I'm going, I'll miscarry a lot. Ever year. When I think about what that means for our timeline... it means a lot of heartache over and over again.

I guess I don't have any good advice for you, but I just want to tell you that you're not alone. We all have different stories, but I think our fears are fundamentally the same. I'll try to stay positive if you will! (it's the buddy system!)
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Last edited by farasha; October 11th, 2009 at 07:07 AM.
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October 11th, 2009, 04:37 PM
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KDD KDD is offline
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Celena, I can totally relate to the shrinking timeline. I've been off bc for over 3 years, in that time I got pg once, and lost that one. Since the loss we've been actively TTC (before we were NTNP) and nothing. I worry that it won't ever happen for us. I worry that my age has affected my egg quality. I worry..... There are so many things to think about.

What keeps me somewhat sane is remembering that my grandma had my uncle when she was 41 (and that was 54 years ago). I'm not there yet so I'm not giving up!

I know that it sounds hokey and that we've all heard it all before, but I truly believe that it will happen when it's supposed to happen for us. I like to believe that being older while TTC has also given me some patience!
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October 12th, 2009, 03:27 AM
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I've always referred to our timeline as 'my eggs are ticking'. We met late and had our DS with an alarming ease (in hindsight). We blithely believed we must be really fertile so we were super careful. Ha! Never in our wildest dreams did we think we'd be here this far down the track - and it's not nearly as far as some of you. I work in disability/early intervention so I thought I had a pretty good handle on empathising with others' grief and loss, but m/c and loss is a completely different universe.

Celena I have to try most days to not remind myself of the timelines (the naive and innocent plans for 4 children before 40 - so not likely now!) I feel like some days my head goes around in circles trying to make sense of the unanswerable question - "why"?

Kimberley I'm impressed that you're learning patience. I am one of the least patient people I know, so if I'm meant to learn that before we have another baby we'll be waiting a very long time! But I agree that it will happen when it's meant to for us as well. The further into this journey I travel, the more I'm starting to believe that there must be something else I'm meant to do before we fall pg again. I know that thought doesn't explain even half the situations everyone here is in, but somehow it's making more sense to me as we go along.

I don't know if I'll ever be patient as such, but I'm learning to be more accepting of the unexpected twists and I'm learning to not take things for granted. Farasha I'm up for being positive, too. Or at least trying very hard to be positive!
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October 12th, 2009, 02:56 PM
Celena's Avatar Proud JM hostess
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KRISTEN.... I have not gone for any medical testing or been "checked-out" by an RE or anyone like that... (long sotry short) for an over-lap of time while TTC I was engulfed in appointments with specialists trying to treat my fibromyalgia. Then I lost my insurence. Found a doctor who uses a scale according your income for uninsured patients and she's who I've been with since. She's a GP, so I've thought about bringing up my concerns to her... I slightly chickened out this past appointment almost a couple weeks ago. (I have another one coming up before Halloween) So I'm going to ask about bloodwork then since they can draw in house and the copay isn't much.

My old OB, Dr.******* said I was fine that there is no reason to think I had any problems... of course my trust with him went out the window. Grr! I never thought to bring it up to the maternal fetal medicine Dr. I went to for my 2nd opinion on the mess Dr. Dumb made.

I never thought it would be like this... even though I had a loss 9+yrs ago, I didn't think it would like this TTC with DH. If I had, then I would have gotten my IUD out before April'08 so we could have had more time to try in leading up to now. Hindsight 20/20 right? LOL

I'm 32 about to be 33 in a few months... ya I know I'm not old (I don't consider myself old), but I'm also not a spring chicken. Altho they do say 30 is the NEW 20, 40 is the NEW 30! I keep telling myself to remain positive and try not to "look into things" too much. So the whole AF thing, I just need to let it be. My mom's side of the family does not have early menopause anywhere, all have been pretty fertile... my Aunt & Granma both suffered pregnancy losses (each a stillborn) That's something else that make me scared, my mom hasn't had any losses and my mind runs off to "what if" I'm the next one in that fate? Have to stop!

Thank you for reminding me to remain positive, we cannot let TTCAL *take the BEST of us* and I'd LOVE to be your positive buddy ( you made me cry, a good cry) lol

KIMBERLEY.... The egg quality thing I had never heard until recently, like in the past year. I know they used to consider women over 35 a higher risk, but geesh I'd think they'd of moved that knowing that more couples have babies later that in the 1800's LOL. I honestly don't believe that egg quality declines neccisarily at 35, I'd think more so when you get up to 45 ya I'd believe that more... I've seen women over 45 have children who had health problems or autistic, but even then it wasn't every woman! Not to mention as a doula, the ladies I assisted were older than 35 years old having their first... so unless you have definitely been diagnosed with poor egg quality DON'T BELIEVE IT WOMAN!!!! Shoot, like your grandma... I mean sheesh obviously her eggs were just fine Don't give up hope! It's always easier said than done, but like you said it may be cliche` but it will happen for us!

MEH... It's still a journey tho! It can still be very hard no matter how long, we can still need support and the compassion of others to help us get thru it. Like you've said, it's definitely a different kind of loss and pain. Something that is undescribable to someone who hasn't or even has gone thru it... the journey of TTC can also be hard to talk about. (I feel crazy and reluctant to talk to others about it)

Thank you.... for everything, I so very much appreciate your help! (I've been feeling sort of helpless and alone, DH is gone for the majority of time/days trying to make $ tattooing. (it's not an easy business)

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Last edited by Celena; October 12th, 2009 at 03:03 PM.
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October 13th, 2009, 08:36 AM
krystal g's Avatar Happy to be a SAHM!
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I can completely relate. It's only been 8 months for us with one pregnancy/loss, and I know it's not nearly the journey you or a lot of others have been on, but I think about the "timeline" a lot and wonder.

I will be 35 in December (tick toc tick toc) and I always thought I'd have 3 or 4 kids....now I'm beginning to think I may not have one. I worry that I won't be able to get pregnant again (this is cycle 4 since m/c...nothin yet) or if I do then fear I won't be able to keep it. I have had no testing...after all I've only had one loss so there's no reason to think I have any problems (except I can't help but think about that!).

My mom had 3 children without difficulty and no losses and my grandmother (her mother) had 3 children with 5 or more miscarriages/stillbirths - I don't know the exact numbers or situations because it was something they did not discuss back then - but my mom said my grandma had a terrible time with her pregnancies. That is terrifying to me.

I worry that I'm too old. I've only been married for a year but I sometimes wonder if I didn't wait too long...I had plenty of opportunities to have kids earlier in life...but of course it wouldn't have been with DH. He just says we'll keep trying and it will happen. And then I think, at this point if I'm lucky enough to have babies, I will be TTC/pregnant for the next 5 years if I want more than one....which I do...I don't think I will be able to space the kids out a couple of years assuming that I will get pregnant again right away...I will have to try again immediately...and I never wanted to be a person with back-to-back pregnancies but at this point I would embrace it!

It's just not fair that we have to worry about all of this stuff. There really is no innocence anymore.

I don't know, so many things to think about....so much negativity that goes through my mind.

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October 14th, 2009, 11:26 AM
Trish36's Avatar Mom of 4
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Well I can relate. After 3 kids and 3 uneventful pregnancies all of a sudden things have changed drastically as soon as I hit 35. It's like all of a sudden the biological clock started ringing "time's up". How can that be? For me it's not only how many eggies are left, it's the quality that sucks! I guess once you hit your late 30s and early 40 the chances of getting pregnant go down significantly. That's why you have so many women in that age group doing IVF, because their chances are much better that way. Well...I can't afford that. So we'll keep on trying for a little while longer and pray that one of these days it will stick. I also don't want to drive myself crazy for the next 2 years trying and trying and having more losses. I need to live my life. Let's hope that all of us here finish this year with a nice BFP surprise!

[quote=krystal g;17611535]

I will be 35 in December

Hey Krystal....what day in December? I'll be 37 Dec. 10.

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October 14th, 2009, 12:42 PM
krystal g's Avatar Happy to be a SAHM!
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Originally Posted by Trish36 View Post
Hey Krystal....what day in December? I'll be 37 Dec. 10.
December 23rd....I just love Christmastime...the best time of the year!!!

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October 26th, 2009, 10:17 PM
Celena's Avatar Proud JM hostess
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Krystal... when I was an active doula, the majority of the women's births I assisted were those who were over 35 into their early 40's having their 1st child. Several it had taken some time to get pg, but they did and planned on more... they never really discussed losses tho, I guess being at their end of pg it wasn't something on their mnds?

I believe we ALL are going to get pregnant... I didn't stress how long it was taking until after my losses and then the reality of these negative possibilities started hitting me and making me worry! Shoot the majority of girls I went to school with are just now starting families, they're anywhere from 32+. But I HEAR you... I can understand those feelings, most of them.

Thank you for being here, I can't think of a better place with better ladies than TTCAL! Thank you always!
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November 6th, 2009, 06:44 AM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am sorry.
I kow how it feels to be on a tight "timeline".
My husband is deploying this coming October for 12 months.
To him, that's a whole year left to TTC, but a pregnancy is 9months & since we have a record of miscarrying, it could be longer. I would want him there for the birth.
It's just all so frustrating.:/
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