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Sometimes it's hard not to be offended.......

Forum: LDS Parenting


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May 27th, 2011, 05:38 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: My heart belongs in Washington DC
Posts: 6,415
When people talk badly about adoption.

The lady I'm living with has a daughter who just became a single mom, and K (the lady I live with) and A (her daughter) were talking on the phone the other day about L (the baby) and how much they love her. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop but I was in the same room as them and I kind of overheard on accident. A said that as rough as the pregnancy was she never once thought about aborting or adoption. I don't really think anything of it, because as much as I love adoption, I realize that it isn't for everyone and I respect that. A's next sentance makes me pause though. "I could never do that to L, I love her too much to either abort or give her up."

Cue me nearly swallowing my tongue.

My birth parents DIDN'T GIVE ME UP they gave me MORE! I was not placed for adoption because they didn't love me! They loved me so much that they broke their own hearts to make sure I had what I needed, even if they weren't the ones providing it. Yes, I know there are women who genuinly don't want their babies and the only reason they don't abort is becuase they found out about the pregnancy too late or something like that.

I haven't said anything about my being hurt by that comment because I don't know if that'll start drama or not. On one hand, while I don't know A very well, she doesn't seem the type to intentionally hurt somone, so I doubt the comment was said to hurt me. On the other hand, she gave birth less then 48 hours ago so she's still hormonal.

I don't think I'm really looking for advice, I'll be leaving in less than a week to go to Utah for my summer job and I'd hate so start potential drama this close to the time I leave, so I hesitate to say something about it.

I've been thinking about it, and I don't think I'm offened by what A said, I'm just sad that people still see adoption as 'giving their baby up.' my adoption at least isn't like that, I was being given more when I was placed.

Thank you to the wonderful ladies who mad the blinkies!

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude..... These experiences, while often difficult to bear at the time, are percisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character and increase our compassion for others."
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May 27th, 2011, 07:11 PM
Posts: n/a
I'm sorry that she said that, whether it was intended to hurt you or not. I can definitely see both sides of that. I absolutely agree that babies aren't put up for adoption because they aren't loved or wanted but because they are loved so much that their birth parents want to better them, but at the same time after going through a pregnancy and delivery, I know that I could never do it. It is an incredibly selfless thing to do though, and I think anyone that does it is a very special person!
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May 27th, 2011, 09:00 PM
Angela85's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: South Jordan, Utah
Posts: 2,125
I can totally see where you're coming from. My cousin put her baby up for adoption when she had a little boy at 18. She loved him so much, as much as any parent loves their child, and that's why she gave him to another family. Because they could give him what she couldn't. That doesn't mean she loved him less because she could do it, that just shows how big her love was.

I think that when people say "I couldn't do that", they're not thinking about the other side. Do they think that the people who do didn't love that child because they could? I'm sure that most of the time when they say that they haven't thought of that side of things.

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May 28th, 2011, 08:40 PM
Bug-n-Ed's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 2,521
In the adoption world (and infertility for that matter) people say stupid things unintentionally. They are usually just naive to the whole aspect and can't see the other side of things. It's so easy to be offended, but you just have to take a step back and remember that most of the time people don't mean to say insensitive things, they really just don't know better.

For my point of view of having given birth myself and having adopted after secondary infertility, I think birth moms are awesome and are incredibly strong and selfless. They want the best for their baby. If I was in their shoes, which I never have been, I honestly don't know if I would be strong enough to place a baby for adoption. Having gone through pregnancy and labor/delivery, it'd be very hard to do so. There is such a great bond formed during pregnancy, it would be very hard to place your baby into another's arms to raise and care for as their own. To know you will never be called mom by that child would be heartbreaking.

I know it's weird to hear that I don't know if I could do it if I was in the same situation as a birth mom since we recently adopted, but it really does take a kind of strength I'm not sure I have. Adoption is definitely led by Heavenly Father, though. These twin girls we have were meant for our family. My niece who was adopted was meant for her family -- she looks just like her adoptive dad. I've heard of many birth moms saying that they looked through lots and lots of profiles and then one just jumped out and they knew that was the family their baby was meant to be in.

Anyway, I kinda rambled there. Many women who have babies out of wedlock, especially as teens will say something to the effect that there was no way they would be able to place for adoption. It's just something that they never really considered so they were never able to be led by our Heavenly Father to do so.
Mommy to Brandon (12) and Edward (10)
Emma and Ellie (4)

picture does not represent current ages

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May 29th, 2011, 09:24 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I agree that comments like those are made more out of ignorance than anything else. Looking at my situation, I can't imagine a situation now when I would ever consider adoption, even if Matt died or left me. I think a lot of that is the emotional aspect of my loss and giving birth to a baby but not taking it home, know what I mean?

However, I do look down on any woman who does choose adoption. I agree, it's not something that they do to their child, more something they do for their child. It's a matter of separating what the mother wants/needs from what the baby needs, and is therefore very selfless.

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June 1st, 2011, 10:46 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2,239
I have huge admiration for birthmothers. My two older siblings were both adopted. Both are closed adoptions, just because that's what was more common then (I think), so I don't know their birthmothers, but I am thankful for them! I don't know their stories, but I do know that it would be an incredibly hard thing to do. I can't imagine anything much harder. But they wanted to give their babies good lives with a solid family, and for whatever reason, they felt they couldn't provide it at the time, as much as they probably wanted to. But they did what they felt was best for their babies, even though it had to be incredibly heartbreaking for them. Three of my good friends (one is my cousin's wife) are birthmothers. In every case, they didn't "want" to place their babies for adoption, but felt that it was the right thing to do. Each of them still feel a sense of loss for those children, but hopefully are at peace and feel that they made a good, selfless decision that was good for the child under the circumstances.

I guess it can be a complicated issue, but I know that the birthmothers I know loved those babies so much. It would take so much courage to make that decision, knowing you would be breaking your own heart.

I guess I feel like I can kind of relate, more than I used to be able to, at least. With my recent pregnancy, knowing that I would carry the baby to full term and not be able to take my baby home with me, I can relate at least a little to the heartbreak that a birthmother might feel. But I didn't get to choose, and I think actually making that choice and following through would take so much courage. And you can never assume that you know the feelings, thought process and the emotional process that a birthmother (or anyone in a hard situation) has gone through. I'm sure it's different for every single one of them, and the reasons for placing are personal and even sacred, I think.

I'm rambling, but the gist of what I want to say is that I admire a woman who would have that courage when she feels like it is the best thing for her baby.
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