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MIL in delivery room (long)

Forum: 2009 Playroom


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March 24th, 2009, 08:23 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 1,458
Ok, I need some advice on how to handle this:

My MIL lives down in FL (we are in NC). Since day 1 of our relationship, she has tried to be involved in every decision and meddle in everything. Our way of handling this is to not tell her when we are making a new decision so she doesn't have the chance to voice her opinion b/c she nags us incessently and then refuses to support our choices if they differ from hers. Ok she can be super nice if we agree with her but she is very passive aggressive otherwise.

Just to show you all how far it has gotten DH has refused to visit his mother for the past 4 years. He has gotten so sick of her control issues that even when she comes up to see us, he only lets her stay 3 days and he will not take off from work to see her. Just to be clear, these are his rules not mine. Our problem is that he is an only chid and therefore, we are her only chance at grandchildren.

Now that I actually am pregnant, she is expecting to come to the hospital with us! I could totally see her reaching in, grabbing my baby and running off. Or taking all the attention while I am in labor. She told me that she doesn't believe in hormones and that I am sick all day because I'm seeking attention! There is no telling what she would do at the hospital to try and interfere. So I told her that I wasn't comfortable with that and she said that if I was gonna be "like that," she'd wait in the hall. Um, that wasn't my point. DH has two weeks paternity leave that we were hoping we could use to bond with just the three of us. Parents can come afterwards but esp. since this is our first, we can't have the stress of houseguests right away. So he told her that she can come see the baby after two weeks. She responded that she would find herself a hotel room.

How can we tell her that she isn't welcome? Am I being that rude? This is my parents first grandchild but they are waiting to fly in until we are settled and invite them. I'm not trying to keep the baby to ourselves forever I just can't handle the stress of a newborn and MIL. Plus, DH has that great leave time that we really want to use for us to bond with the baby. Are we being too selfish? Should I let her come and stay in a hotel and visit during the day? DH is trying to handle this for me but at this point, we need outside advice. Please help!
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March 24th, 2009, 08:27 AM
drewbears's Avatar Mom to 8 AWESOME kids!
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You know what...

Tell her, this is your FIRST baby, its something very special between YOU and YOUR hubby, and that no one else is allowed in the room but your hubby and hospital staff and you will have a note in your chart and the hospital will not allow anyone else.

Tell her she is welcome to come see the baby ONCE you are HOME and settled and ready for people to come visit. You will then call when they can come and visit.

I personally don't want other people in the room other than my DH and hospital staff. I have had someone in there before to take pictures but that was it.

I may consider having some of the older kinds in the room, but I in no way want my mother in law or even my mother in there.

You are NOT rude!

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March 24th, 2009, 08:32 AM
Genevieve's_mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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here's what i think.
First off. you are NOT being selfish! its your baby! and sometimes MILs are annoying!
Ok. Honestly you should jsut be straight forward with her. Both of you, or just your DH (she might take it easier coming from her baby. Just tell her how you guys feel. You want those first two weeks of the baby's life to be just you and DH so you all can bond and be a happy family. That you want to be a family for those two weeks. then tell her that she can come visit afterwards... Just be straight with her. GL!

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March 24th, 2009, 08:33 AM
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are you sure we dont have the same MIL?
jen pretty much said the same thing that I would. I know shes "excited" and everything but theres got to be some kind of line there. She needs to give you guys some space. You be the judge when you're feeling better and home and settled in, THEN invite her in. Its going to be a big adjustment for you and DH, you don't need her interuptting the flow of things.

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March 24th, 2009, 08:36 AM
TulipDawn's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Wow, are you takling about my MIL? because what you just wrote is EXACTLY what my MIL is like! Luckily, with this baby we will be in Italy - FAR AWAY!

With Xavier we were induced and we didn't tell them until the night before. They knew from the beginning that NO ONE except my doula would be in the room with us. They came and saw the baby shortly after he was born and then they left ot go back to Middletown (about 4 hours away). Granted my MIL and my mother really don't get along because my MIL is the one who always moves the attention to her. Even at my babyshower she made herself the center of attention by throwing a fit and swarming out of the room to go to St. Louis "where people WANTED her"...lol

I agree tell her that this is your special time with your hubby and baby and that you will give her all the time in the world with the baby once you are settled...
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March 24th, 2009, 08:46 AM
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ditto to all the pps. i made sure that my mom and DH were the only ones in the room when Cohen was born. my MIL was at the hospital and came in while i was still in recovery which was OK...but so did SIL who stunk the place up the cigarette smoke and caused lots of attention talking about how she got in a fight with someone in a grocery store parking lot...seriously 10 minutes after he was born and i had been in labor for 28 HOURS. I was SOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY.

The nurses will keep anyone away that you don't want. It's part of their job. And my point is, you don't want anyone to ruin a minute of this for you, so be as "selfish" as you want because there are so few times in life you get to be that way and your 1st child is SOOO special (end run-on sentence lol). Your whole perspective on life changes once that baby is born.
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March 24th, 2009, 08:52 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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I just feel like we are robbing her of her first grandchild experience (b/c thats what she told us) so I need to see if we were out-of-line. I do let DH deal with her for the most part because I know if there were problems with my mother- even if we both had problems with her- I would want to be the one to approach her.

This is my first baby experience though and it trumps her grandchild experience. Maybe I'll compromise and let her come after a week. DH will be there as a buffer still and we will still get the birth and a week alone. I want to be fair cause my worst fear is that our issues with her will affect the baby's relationship with her (thats not fair at all).

I just feel the catholic guilt. I am so weak....

Maybe I should schedule her time to come at the same time as my mom's visit! Showdown!!
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March 24th, 2009, 09:28 AM
ImperfectMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't have this exact problem (my MIL won't try and come into the room with me), but like you I'd rather it just be me, DH and the baby for the labor/delivery and the first week or so... Well, DH is the one who doesn't agree with me here and he will not support decision, so I'm not sure what to do. He wants his family at the hospital, I do not. Okay, honestly, I don't mind them (or my family) being there. That's not the problem. I don't want to share my baby! If I'm sleeping or in the bathroom, I have no problem with my mom, MIL, my dad, FIL, etc. holding the baby for a short while... But when I'm awake and alert my baby will be in my arms at all times. I can see this causing some friction, because everyone's going to want to hold the baby.

At the same time, I think I'm just overreacting right now and once I give birth I probably won't care one way or the other. Ah, first child syndrom.
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March 24th, 2009, 09:57 AM
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Ok first of all this her grandchild. This is not her first born child. Its yours. You have every right to feel the way you do. I would let her know that this is a new experience for you and dh and that your time with the baby in the begining is presious to you. Leave it at that. She will have to deal with it. If she cares enough about her sona dn grandchild she will follow your wishes.

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March 24th, 2009, 09:58 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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This is your experience, not hers. Hers is being grandma. Grandmas don't give birth so, unless you want her there, there is no reason for her to be there.

I would just leave it at the fact that you want just you and dh in the room. Inform the nurses and if she does show up at the hospital, leave it to them, they will take care of it. I am sure she doesn't want her first grandma picture in the baby book to be one of her being escorted away by hospital security.

Good luck. I had my mom in once. She kept hinting around and I kept saying no. (my mom tends to have diarrhea of the mouth and will NOT be quiet) at the last minute, we called and asked her if she wanted to be there. She came and was unbelievably quiet. LOL! It was a good thing. I have also had my sister there. Both experiences were okay but I still prefer just me and dh.

I would never ever ever have my mil in the room. Never. Ever. ...Ever.
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March 24th, 2009, 10:22 AM
Super Mommy
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Well good luck in whatever you guys decide.

My mother is like that but was a big help to me during labor and delivery, and also when I came home. Of course grandma will always give you her opinion on how you should be doing things but its up to you to ignore it and do what you want to do because it sounds like shes acting a little ridiculous.

tell her she can come stay in a hotel room after the baby is a week old when everyone else will come to visit.
*~*Mommy to Chase Alexander 4/16/07 & Sienna Skye 10/2/09*~*
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March 24th, 2009, 10:27 AM
fishysticks's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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You are absolutely NOT being rude. This is your body, your baby, your delivery and only the people YOU want should be in the room with you. There are no two ways about it. Don't let anyone bully you into something you don't want or aren't comfortable with

My MIL wanted to be there when Holden was born and I said NO WAY IN HELL. I refused. If she had actually been in town when I was induced (she was coming into town on my due date, I gave birth early) I wouldn't have allowed her to come to the hospital either.

People can wait until YOU are ready for visitors. You can tell the nurses who you want and if she shows they won't let her in.

IMHO, birth is a person experience and I didn't want a huge crowd around me. I still don't with this baby
Jenny, Mommy to Holden Milo 9-17-07 & Parker Cadence 9-30-09

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March 24th, 2009, 10:46 AM
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That's what happened to me with my first baby ...I told everyone they could visit the next day but I wanted the time to bond right after the birth ... I am not sure if I made people mad but I really wanted it that way...Hubby did call his family to tell them weight and time and I called my family and shared the excitment....It worked out great....Now I am having baby 3 and I asked my mom and dad if they wanted to be there but I don't want my MIL that would make me feel weird....
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March 24th, 2009, 11:11 AM
SusieQ2's Avatar Jersey Girl
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Sometimes you just need to put your foot down. Now my DS was the first grandchild on my side and both sets of our parents live within a mile of us. My mom and DH's mom were at the hospital but they all knew that in the delivery room it would by just me and DH.

I can understand your MIL wanting to be there after the baby is born. She's probably very excited but if you don't want her there then you need to put your foot down and tell her that 2 weeks after the baby is born she can come.

Of course if you make her wait that long she'll be there when your DH has gone back to work and you'll have to deal with her all by yourself which is something you might want to take into consideration!

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March 24th, 2009, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by *Meg* View Post
This is my first baby experience though and it trumps her grandchild experience.
Exactly. Keep telling yourself this. Having a baby will be one of the greatest moments in your life and is such an amazing miracle, don't let anyone ruin that or your first days together. You can NEVER get those moments back but she will have plenty of time in the future with her grandchild.

I let my mom and my MIL into my delivery room to watch my dd being born. My MIL was great but my mom wasn't. She kept interrupting me to answer the doctors when they asked ME a question, and she watched a movie in the delivery room while my dd was being born. (Jimmy Stewart's Vertigo) When the doctors asked if they could take Olivia to the nursery to weigh her and clean her up it was my mother who answered yes even though I wasn't ready to part with my daughter yet. I have regrets that I didn't stand up for myself.

My MIL will be in the delivery room again this time but my mom won't.
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March 24th, 2009, 12:16 PM
disturbedangel121's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Ehh.. me and my MIL don't exactly see eye to eye a lot but I suck it up for my son. I did allow her in the delivery room cause I didn't want to make her miss her first grandchild being born and her husband also came in right after. Different people do have different feelings about it though so I don't blame anyone for not wanting them in there, thats just what I felt was right. This time around though (unless its a girl cause that's a whole different story) I think I want it to be just me and my husband. I think my mom will be upset about that but cause she's been there for all of her grand childrens birth but as someone said about I want to be selfish I dont want to share.. after jeffrey was born he was pretty much passed around and I wanted him to myself. lol

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March 24th, 2009, 12:53 PM
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I'm not a huge fan of my soon to be MIL, but I'm sure she'll want to be in the room. But this is baby #3 for me, and grandchild #1 for her, so I'm going to let her be there. HOWEVER, DF and I have come up with a code to get her out of the room if she's driving me nuts. My sister is my labor coach (no diss to my DF, but I need my sister. I swear she should be a doula) so my DF is going to escort my MIL out of room if need be... I am putting my foot down though about nursing time. NO MIL IN ROOM WHEN I'M NURSING! It drives me nuts.
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March 24th, 2009, 02:28 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Canada
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Well, I think my MIL is related to a few other MIL's in this DDC.

I told her that I only wanted my DH and mom in there the first time. She invited herself in. Had my legs not been completely numb from the epidural, I probably would have kicked her in the teeth "accidentally-on-purpose". For days all I heard was about how gross the birth was - thanks MIL!

My advice? If you don't want here there, don't even CALL her when you go into labour. And tell the nurses that you don't want anyone to know you're there. And turn off any cell phones.

And if she insists on visiting soon after, breastfeeding is your biggest friend (if you are planning to do that). Tell her you are self-conscious of breastfeeding with an audience, and go to a room where you can feed the baby with the door closed. Stay in there as long as you need too.
Tammy, proud mom to 2 girls.
First surrobaby (girl) arrived April 24, 2008!
Surrotwins Hayleigh and Teagan arrived September 24, 2009!

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