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What can I say when my FIL says this rude comment?

Forum: 2010 Playroom


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November 23rd, 2009, 09:35 AM
Love_the_Shoes's Avatar Love my girls!!
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 4,651
Little backround: I cannot stand up to myself (most likely b/c of my past but that's another story all in itself). So people can say rude and hurtful things to me, and I won't do anything except cry after they leave. It's very frusterating and angering and I'm trying to build some backbone and learn to stand up for myself.

So hubby and I decorate our house for the holidays early, but I don't think too early...we're jolly people. Hubby's dad, my father-in-law, is the biggest scrooge there is. Last year for my bday (which is dec. 6th, so yes, our house was decorated, tree already up). We had him over for dinner and the whole time he was making fun of our house and why we would decorate already and that it looks ridiclous. I was able to ignore his comments w/the help of a very large glass of red wine, but it still upset me, b/c he has NO right to share his comments. I would never give my opinion like that, regardless if it's immediate family. It's rude and hurtful...it's not like he was talking smack on a shirt Matt was wearing that I may have picked out...he was saying rude comments to the decorations that Matt and I did, which shows warmth and love and it's none of his buisness, truthfully.

So now here we go again....we decorated our house yesterday (all we need is the tree!) and his parents are coming over again tomorrow for dinner. I know 110% he will say something rude again. But this time I don't have a glass of wine to calm me down, I have pregnancy hormones! Also, I don't want him to treat me like this anymore. (honestly, his mother should be ashamed she raised him like this...I for one will teach this baby growing inside of me, to keep your mouth shut, and if you must talk, DON'T DO IT IN THE PERSON'S HOME, regardless if they are immediate family--especially to the woman of the house!).

So ladies---what should I say when he says something like "Why would you decorate alraedy, it's not even thanksgiving" <--he will say his hurtful comment via a question...like we're lunatics for decorating, and should be evaluated.

I need to stand up and say something...even if he doesn't listen...it will feel good for me to know I tried to defend MY HOUSE!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN HIS!!!!!

Also, if anyone knows of books on how to become a "B*%$%", let me know. I really need to get a backbone...people walk all over me...I will not be like this for my daughter. I promise I won't. I need to learn how to stand up NOW.
~*~*~ Kristin--mama to two fabulous and fierce beauties--Aly and Natalie*~*~

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November 23rd, 2009, 09:49 AM
renee4152's Avatar Proud Mommy of 2!
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 1,524
i would tell him that you decorated early because that's what you wanted to do, and leave it at that. your husband should be the one to stand up for you. btw, my house is fully decorated already, with the exception of the outside lights. people ask me why all the time, and i tell them that it's family tradition in my family to do it the weekend before Thanksgiving, and that's just the way it is. personally i like to be able to enjoy my decor for an extra week. it takes a lot of thought and time to do it. usually nobody is rude about it. i really hope for your sake that he just keeps his big mouth shut.
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November 23rd, 2009, 09:57 AM
*Ashley*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 6,755
I would simply state ,"It is my house and you don't have to live in so surely you can manage for the short time you are here without being rude." End of story. I don't think you would be being rude but at the same time you would be stating your expectations and showing him that you will not tolerate his attitude.

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November 23rd, 2009, 10:28 AM
~Claudia~'s Avatar mommy to Nico & Seba
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 4,229
Originally Posted by *Ashley* View Post
I would simply state ,"It is my house and you don't have to live in so surely you can manage for the short time you are here without being rude." End of story. I don't think you would be being rude but at the same time you would be stating your expectations and showing him that you will not tolerate his attitude.
Lucas - 12/21/11
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November 23rd, 2009, 10:46 AM
AlexasMomma's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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if I were you I would say Well you know what (insert his first name here) im sorry if you dont like the holidays as much as I do and im sorry im not going to accomidate your bah humbug spirit anymore we decorated the house because that is what we do you should know this by now and for future reference yes it will be like this EVERY year until the day I die and if your goin to keep complaining I migh just leave it all up the whole FREAKIN year just to PISS your the hell off lol...since pregnancy I love to yell at people because its such a stress relief and I just thought about what I would say if he said that to me...

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November 23rd, 2009, 11:01 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 9,304
DEVELOP AN ALTER EGO! Kind of like one thats the person that you'd love to be to them although its not how you really are all the time. You can blame it on the pregnancy hormones b/c you are more sensitive now than before.

And look at him funny and say "Excuse me, if you dont like it, you can leave!". I bet he wont say ***** else. Or you can be nicer and say "Excuse me, but I'd appreciate it if you kept you comments to yourself. We love it and thats all that matters". He knows that he can do this to you, he's probably been doing it for a while, so he'll continue to do so until you or DH stop him.

When he asks those questions, you'll probably be on or have to get on the defense and actually act out how you feel in order for him to get the hint. Never let anyone disrespect you or your house, in your house. Thats kind of how you'll have to look at it.

Just like my house is plain on the inside, we have little decorations. And if anybody besides those who pay bills there have anything to say about it, I let them know (have done this in the past), that if they have a problem with it then come over and decorate it.
Cheley - Mommy of 1 cute DD (BFP 8/4/09 @ 11dpo) Born: 4/20/10
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November 23rd, 2009, 11:01 AM
homeschooling mom of 2
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Jersey Shore, but MI is home
Posts: 1,960
Oh brother like you need one more grumpy person or rude comment when you're pregnant right? I agree your DH should be the one who actually says something to him but if not then you should try your best to do it for yourself. I'm pretty much a wuss normally with standing up for myself also and HATE confrontation but actually pregnancy itself gives me the push I need to easily be a b$%ch LOL even when I'm trying to be nice lately I'm having a hard time if someone is being rude to me etc. If you can't bring yourself to tell him how you truly feel (ie we enjoy the holidays and love the warmth and cozy feeling decorating brings our home and hearts etc) then you could say that being pregnant its harder each day for you to do things so setting up early was easier on you. I bust everything out December 1st and get started, my DH is Jewish and barely tolerates the decorations and tree as it is and already said he doesn't plan to help me get a tree (yes the jerk is going to let his pregnant wife and 5yr old try to drag one home themselves and tie it to the top of my suv etc dont even get me started) Your house, your rules... maybe next time you can all just go out to eat on him (actually suggest this to him "if my decorating bothers you so much we're happy to have YOU take us out to dinner"
~ Candi
wife to Craig 5/28/2002 mom to Aliya 3/31/2004 and Liliana 4/6/2010
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November 23rd, 2009, 11:05 AM
CanadianLou's Avatar Laura - mom of 3
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,650
I can be too nice too and let people walk all over me. But I've also been know to surprise people and come out with a smart remark.

If it was me, I'd probably try to explain why I wanted it done etc, and if he kept being rude I would saying something like:

"Well good thing it's not your house" and then laugh afterward LOL

If I really had the guts I'd say:

"Listen, I held my touge last year when I wasn't pregnant, but I can't do it now. If you don't like my decorations, please keep your opinions to yourself. This is something that Matt and I enjoy and will continue to enjoy and when we put up our decorations and how long we keep them up is no one's decision or business but our own. You choose for your house, we choose for ours, thank you very much."

LOL But I do agree your dh should be sticking up for you too since it's his family.
*~ Laura ~*

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November 23rd, 2009, 11:12 AM
palmetto_moon's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 4,663
Since he's a scrooge, I would say just that!
Just laugh and say "Awwww, don't be such a Scrooge!" and let it fly off your back. The look on his face will be your reward! LOL!

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November 23rd, 2009, 11:49 AM
HarpersMomma's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 562
I have a hard time saying what's on my mind, too, so I know how you feel! If you can muster up the courage to say any of the things the ladies above said, GO FOR IT! I know me personally, I couldn't. I don't know where you live, but here it's supposed to start getting a lot colder this week, including snow in the forcast, so we put up all of our decorations (including our tree!) yesterday. If this applies to you, maybe you could use that.

I really do like CanadianLou's suggestion of saying that you held your tongue last year, but you won't again! It's not his house, he didn't pay for these things, and he can leave any time he wants to! These are things for you and your DH to enjoy! Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

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November 23rd, 2009, 01:18 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 0
I thinking you should stand up for yourself, but in the polite and sweet way that is obviously comfortable to you. I think you should just explain why you do it (it makes you guys happy) and why you want him to stop with his comments (it hurts your feelings).

Here's why. My family consists of 4 redheads. We're a rude tactless people, but most of the time it isn't actually intentional. Rude comments or getting mad never works with any of them because they're naturally thick-skinned and most of the time don't realize how their comments could be hurtful to start with - if you snap at them they think you're just participating in the "joke". Sit them down though and explain how you're genuinely hurt and they stop - they aren't bad people just thoughtless ones.

Maybe your FIL just doesn't realize what he's saying is actually hurtful. I'm not sure I would... heck, it's possible i've made similar comments to someone before since I don't believe in early decorating myself and i'm not sure it'd cross my mind that it's really rude to comment on someone else's house. If someone sat me down though and explained it to me i'd be horrified at my behavior.

Maybe he's just a thoughtless *** sometimes, like me.

If he's just a jerk in general though I agree with everyone else, tell him to like it or leave.
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November 23rd, 2009, 02:21 PM
Posts: n/a
I think you should just say, "Because I wanted to."

And leave it alone.
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November 23rd, 2009, 05:29 PM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
Join Date: May 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 26,352
Originally Posted by lilflower View Post
I think you should just say, "Because I wanted to."

And leave it alone.
Yeah that's probably what I would say. It's simple, it's the truth, and it will definitely get your point across. Hopefully his bad attitude won't ruin your holiday spirit!

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November 23rd, 2009, 06:12 PM
KasieH's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 759
I would want to say (but couldn't)
Who the F__ asked you??

But, since he is your FIL, maybe you should say "I love how cheerful these decorations make it in here, don't you?"

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November 23rd, 2009, 07:13 PM
frankie's Avatar Proud Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 1,501
FIRST I WANT TO SAY I know how much it sucks to have rude in laws luckily we don't deal with the spawn of Lucifer anymore

anyhow I would simply say I wanted to decorate and I did it on my time with my money so as long as im not asking you for help you shouldn't have anything to say!
Mommy to Joey & Anthony

trying for~~~Commitment leads to action. Action brings your dream closer~~~~ Marcia Wieder
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