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OT- how would you deal with this situation?

Forum: 2010 Playroom


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December 1st, 2009, 11:11 PM
Kodithegirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 650
Okay, so I'm going to preface this with saying that my husband and I are totally and completely in love and committed to one another. I have absolutely NO concerns he is ever ever going to cheat on me.

That being said, I'm having a problem with a "friend" of ours that I'm not sure how to deal with.

So my husband and I had a long distance relationship for 5 lovely years. He lived in Los Angeles and I live in Oklahoma. Because of that, he has a whole host of friends I either don't know at all or barely know from out there. There are a few, however, that I've been able to get to know well and get really close to. One of them is a girl he grew up right down the street from. Her parents and his parents always wanted them to get married, and they actually dated right before he met me. He broke it off with her because she had moved half an hour away and (haha...) he wanted someone closer. She didn't talk to him for over a year after she found out we were together because of the distance. Well, right after we got married, I finally got to meet her. We started talking, and it turns out, we have a lot in common. We became friends, and she started being cool with my husband again. Over the past few years, we have gotten together several times to just hang out, and we talk a lot. Well, about 2 months ago, she started sending my husband emails that she didn't mention to me. She acted like her life was great while talking to me and was telling my husband how horrible her marriage was going. Apparently, she even left her soon to be ex husband about a month ago and spilled everything to my husband about their split. My husband told me everything because he had no idea she was telling me everything was great. Finally, I let my husband in on what she was doing, and he was so shocked. He thought since she was telling him all of this and getting all this sympathy from him, she must be doing the same from me since me and her were such great friends.

DH very quickly told me he was cutting off all conversation with her. He recognized it wasn't cool and that if she was really having all these problems, she should talk to me about it and not him. So here's my dilemma: Do I confront her about it or do I just chalk it up to the fact that they've known each other for years and walk away? I just really really hate confrontations and drama, but I'm kinda just not cool with the fact that she is crying on my husband's shoulder and lying to me about her situation all at the same time...
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December 1st, 2009, 11:18 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,883
I would be uncomfortable with that. I may not approach it as pissed off with her, I may approach it like hey my hubby told me what's going on. I'm really sorry that's going on. Please know you can tell me things ... that kinda thing because it's nicely saying it, and it makes it very apparent at the same time that your DH and you talk about everything, so there is no way she can think there are any secret between you guys KWIM?
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December 2nd, 2009, 01:07 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 3,389
I don't know how close you are to her at the moment, but I think that she needs to be cut out of both your lives. It just sounds like another agenda..ie. get sympathy from your dh, maybe eventually she'd ask him to meet up to talk about how sad she felt etc... is she worth your friendship if you're not sure whether to trust her? I'd be concerned anyway..

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December 2nd, 2009, 02:15 AM
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Nottingham
Posts: 306

Sorry you have had to put up with this, she seems very inconciderate and sort of like she is trying to drive a slow wedge between you both (by telling your hubby 1 thing and telling you another, good job you both talk i'd say)
As your hubby does not seem bothered about cutting ties (and she was originally his friend) I think that you should possibly do the same....not horribly...but in the way....dont talk to her as much as you normally do...dont meet up with her etc
Or you could possibly do as mandyalsomommy says on her post...thats a very good idea....i also hate confrontations and drama.

Good luck with it all

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December 2nd, 2009, 04:48 AM
LisaBrown's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,873
I'm not really sure what I'd do, but I definitly think it sounds kinda fishy...why not tell you the same stuff as your DH if she has nothing to hide from you? I guess I'd probably just tell her as flat out yet respectfully as possible that it is kind of hard for you to trust her loyalty and friendship to you when you are hearing sll kinds of stuff from your DH that she failed to mention to you. If this keeps going on, than I would just let her know that both you and your DH know that your relationship is more important than any ties to her, and if she chooses to continue acting that way she is only going to end up losing 2 good friends in the process. It sounds like she is totally playing the sympathy card on your DH, so I'd definitly keep an eye out....you never really can know what someone's intentions are, so look after your own. It definitly sounds like you have a very open and honest DH though!
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December 2nd, 2009, 08:41 AM
CanadianLou's Avatar Laura - mom of 3
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,650
Originally Posted by mandyalsomommy View Post
I would be uncomfortable with that. I may not approach it as pissed off with her, I may approach it like hey my hubby told me what's going on. I'm really sorry that's going on. Please know you can tell me things ... that kinda thing because it's nicely saying it, and it makes it very apparent at the same time that your DH and you talk about everything, so there is no way she can think there are any secret between you guys KWIM?
I agree with what mandyalsomommy says!
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December 2nd, 2009, 08:58 AM
J-V221's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,399
Honestly if I were in that situation I'm one to confront someone but not in a sence that is mean and pointing fingers. Right now she believes that her conversations with your husband are between her and your husband. Well the truth be told that in all reality you and your husband have a good relationship and discuss things. I would say something along the lines of ..My husband and I were talking and he has said you are having some marriage problems, how come you never mentioned this to me?.. You don't have to say those exact words I just don't think you should point fingers or blame her, that will cause her to become upset. By addressing the issue it will let her know that you and your husband talk and that your concerned that she isn't tell you.

If she isn't aware you know that she's emailing your husband this it could turn into something far worse. I would talk this over with your husband and see what his views are in this situation as well; you don't want to make him the middle man and get into something he didn't start.
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December 2nd, 2009, 09:12 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: VA
Posts: 9,304
I would say, if DH is willing to cut her from his life then you probably should too. You dont need any of that drama or unnecessary problems to occur. As long as she's your friend, she has access to your DH and I'm pretty sure she still has feelings for him. She's being really phony about all of this (lying to you and crying on DH's shoulder to get sympathy and probably some type of emotional comfort from him). You and hubbys relationship is stronger and far more important than her friendship and DH let that be clearly known.

I dont mind confrontation when necessary and I would probably ask her like Vanessa said "Whats going on b/c your hubby told you about the separation?". I mean if she's really your friend I think you should confront or at least ask her. I have 3 best friends and a few close friends and I would never just walk away from a friendship without having at least some type of conversation to understand why. If you choose to back off afterwards, then thats fine but at least know why first.
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December 2nd, 2009, 09:16 AM
esli232's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 459
Hmm, I would definitely be uncomfortable with that. I think your husband reacted the right way about it all. If I were you, I would probably confront the issue with her. I mean, ya'll are supposed to be good friends and it's totally unacceptable to me for a friend to be lying to me and crying on my hubby's shoulder for whatever reason. That being said, I don't think it would help anything to go at her really pissed. She's probably still jealous of your situation and may be embarassed that her life and marriage is not as ideal as yours. But I would definitely let her know you don't appreciate the way she handled the situation. I'm not sure how she expected to keep this from you when she was spilling her guts to your hubby???

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December 2nd, 2009, 09:39 AM
KasieH's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 759
Yeah, it sounds kinda fishy to me too (on her part). I think I would have my DH tell her he is not interersted in talking with her about her personal problems. He can suggest she talk with you. Then, if the emails do not stop, I would cut ties. I don't see any need for a conforntation or aggression, just let her know the emails would be better sent to you as you are more able to give her the support she needs.

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