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Regret having kids

Forum: 2010 Playroom


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April 11th, 2013, 05:08 PM
LadyCoconut's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Georgia
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This article was really interesting to me. Discuss.

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April 11th, 2013, 08:20 PM
RobinJS's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Fraser Valley, Canada
Posts: 5,991
I think we have all had moments where we thought 'Gee, my life was easier before I had this child.' But then we look at their sweet faces and our hearts melt.
Before I became pregnant with Daryn, I believed that I never wanted children. My sister was the babysitter of the family. I avoided babies and children like the plague. I had never changed a diaper and I had never held a baby. When people would bring their babies into work, I would usually find something to do far away. I was annoyed with the distraction. Nevertheless, when I found out I was pregnant with Daryn, my first feeling was fear. About a week later I was in love with this baby that I had not seen and could not feel. I could not even imagine what it was like to hold her because I had nothing to compare it too. I never regretted having her from that moment on and I felt an instant bond the moment I held her.
I think this article is either completely concocted or this woman has some kind of personality disorder. How can she believe that a woman who works yet fiercely loves their child is less of a parent than she is, the woman who did not want and regrets having her children? The woman is a lunatic!

Eli Gunnar 1.11.10

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April 12th, 2013, 08:19 AM
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Wow! I bet there are a lot of moms out there that do have similar feelings, but it's really taboo to even put those feelings public, kwim?

I would think her kids would be bi-polar adults???? I hate to even think about it.

I didn't have that instant bond with Ava the moment she was born----it came weeks later. I had it instantly with my boys.
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April 12th, 2013, 09:52 AM
doodoosmom's Avatar 4 kids?! Who's counting!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: California
Posts: 8,008
I feel bad for her kids if they read that.

I think it's normal to think of life before kids or how things would be different if you didn't have kids though. I had kids at an early age so I sometimes wonder what I missed but at the same time I don't regret it or resent them..DH & I know that once our kids are 18 we'll still be young & we definitely plan on enjoying our time together & doing lots of traveling!
Ashley - Wife to Derrick, mommy to Owen-8, Rylan-6 & Addison-3. Baby Nolan is here, born 6/13/13 @ 34 weeks.
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April 12th, 2013, 10:03 AM
*~* *~* is offline
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"It was not that I seethed each day with resentment towards my children; more that I felt oppressed by my constant responsibility for them. Young children prevent you from being spontaneous; every outing becomes an expedition. If you take your job as a parent seriously, you always put their needs before your own.

Having children consigns you to an endless existence of shelling out financially and emotionally, with little or no return. It puts a terrible strain on your marriage and is perennially exhausting. And your job is never done.

I know my life with Tony would have been so much happier without children, less complicated and more carefree."

in this excerpt, i can understand where she is coming from...almost. I agree when you have children, everything changes! They're exhausting, and you cant be as spontaneous, and everything is an expedition, and they do put a strain on you financially, your job is never done...but she says there is no return and that she would be happier without children. I absolutely feel a return on my "investment". I'm happy to admit that its not all rainbows and sunshine, and somedays I envy my friends who dont have kids and can just do whatever they want, when they want. But even in those moments of resentment towards my children, because HOW DARE THEY impede upon my social life ...i know that i couldnt imagine life without them.

She's obviously emotionally detached. It's weird. I also didnt have that immediate bond with Olivia. And i can relate to the feeling of looking at a baby, and wishing no harm, but also not loving it. I am ashamed to admitt, for a long time...In my mind, i would say that i loved Trey more. If i had to chose between one dying and one living, i would have chosen Trey. But, I obviously love her now, and all of those emotionally detached feelings went away. I cant imagine feeling that way about my kids. Its just weird. I dont even feel what she felt about here kids toward my nieces and nephews. I love them & care for them, and i think my life is better with them in it. And i am NOT a super maternal "my whole life's goal was to be a mom" kinda gal.

ALSO, she talks about how she doesnt understand how mothers can take themselves seriously as mothers, yet return to work so quickly. ANd if you "cant afford" to have kids [on one income, so that mom can stay home with kids - was her implications], you shouldn't. --- I think her kids & herself would have benefited from her hiring a nanny, so she could return to work. She owuld have have 8-10 hrs a day without the kids, and her kids would have quite possibly felt the love and affection they deserved from another "motherly" figure.
doodoosmom and gina! like this.
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April 12th, 2013, 11:04 AM
MominNOVA's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,530
After reading the entire article, I found one part very interesting.

"It is her tragedy that eight years ago she developed multiple sclerosis and had to give up her job as a chef. She is now bed-bound and lives with Tony and me.

I am her full-time carer and if I could have MS instead of her, I gladly would. She knows I would do anything to relieve her suffering and that I will care for her as long as I am able. I am 57 now and as I approach old age, I have an ever-more dependent daughter.

Yet I would cut off my right arm if she or Stuart needed it."

Isn't this love ?
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April 12th, 2013, 12:16 PM
RobinJS's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Fraser Valley, Canada
Posts: 5,991

She does say in the article that she loves her children though she also resents them and I don't believe that is truly loving someone.

As for the ladies that had experience with a delay in bonding, even though I feel I didn't have the same experience, I've known many women who had the same delay in bonding with their children. One woman I know who was 15 when her oldest was born told me that she didn't bond with her daughter until she was almost 2 years old! To see her now one would never believe it and she says she feels just as strong an attachment with her younger two that she felt she bonded to instantly.

My first thought with this lady is she probably suffered some sort of personality disorder or depression prior to having children and possibly from her youth. Who on earth would have children out of a sense of duty just because they loved someone knowing that they would resent them for the rest of their lives? I know of lots of people who have children out of a sense of duty but I think they are also prepared to love them. I think that is a natural human instinct, in fact mammal instinct. That's why I think there is something really, really wrong with this woman.

Eli Gunnar 1.11.10

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April 12th, 2013, 01:07 PM
Nicole1110's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 11,944
I read this the other day and I agree that this woman does have a personality disorder. And of course I take offense to the whole "why have a child if you allow nannies to raise them" and I feel like this is such a blatent and hurtful and absolutely UNTRUE accusation in the "mommy wars". I think this woman is actually quite ignorant. She says that her daughter followed in her footsteps to not want children of her own, but I think a more likely reason she doesn't want kids is because she does not know how to emotionally connect. Could you even imagine not telling your children you love them every day? To not show them any affection? Of course that would have an effect on what kind of adults they become.

I think it's really sad. Sad that her children had to grow up with a mother who showed no affection and never said I love you. Sad that this woman "wasted" 20+ years of her life raising children that so many other people would have killed to have. Just sad. Even as much as I sometimes miss my old life and how my marriage has been negatively affected by having my kid, one single smile or hug or kiss of "I love you" makes it all worth it.

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April 12th, 2013, 02:55 PM
karenwalter's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 7,785
I think the lady in the article has issues. But, DHs grandmother told me once that she wished she never had kids. Although you could never tell from her actions toward them. They were loved, cared for, and she still spends a lot of time with them as adults. She also spends time with her grand kids. But, she said she probably would have been happier if she didn't have kids if her own. Strange to me, but I bet there are others who feel this way too.

. Thanks .hOOdihoo.this. for another beautiful siggy!

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April 12th, 2013, 07:46 PM
ThaiSpice's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: AR
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I want to comment on this, but I'll wait until I'm on a computer. I'll just say for now that I can't relate.

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April 15th, 2013, 11:44 AM
Heaven's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 9,436
I really can't relate to her experience and I hope I never have to. I feel bad for her. I think she must be sick...in the mind... to have such strong feelings of regret and resentment. I feel bad for her kids and worse for her daughter for growing up to have similar feelings like her.

I think it's quite ironic that she wished she never had her kids and yet she ended up being destined to take care of her adult sick child.

She definately has some balls to be so open and honest about her feelings but I wouldn't commend her for it. Some things should be left unsaid or private for good reason. People opening up about "taboo" topics just end up making them "ok" when they really aren't and shouldn't be. We are all guilty of actions and no one is perfect, but we shouldn't be proudly admitting or gratifying our bad actions. Especially not so publicly (confide in your spouse, a friend, a therapist...but not online) and openly for her kids to see, regardless of whether they know about this already or not.
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April 15th, 2013, 12:18 PM
gina!'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 7,421
It took me some time to bond with Nathan. But I think part of that was me not knowing what to do with him/how to act around him? It took a few weeks for my instincts to kick in. I bonded quicker with Brady but due to PPD, there were times I wanted nothing to do with him. But it was never a "I regret having him" emotion. It was more from being overwhelmed. And I never neglected him, I just didn't enjoy him as much as I 'should' have. Chase all was good from day 1.
Sure having kids changed EVERYTHING. But even at my most stressed moments, dealing with extreme sleep deprivation, 2 kids crying at once, elbow deep in baby poop, cleaning up neon blue vomit........seeing childless friends all jazzed up in cute clothes to go out....have I ever thought "I regret doing this".
There are parts of parenting that plain suck. But I really truly cannot imagine my life without the boys. I don't think I would be the person I am today if not for them. I do have a few regrets in life, that I don't dwell on. But having my babies is not one of them.
Gina, wife to Joe...mama to Nathan (8), Brady (7) and Chase (3)
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