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Question from a first time mom...

Forum: Interracial Families


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June 15th, 2010, 04:52 PM
katiebear's Avatar Ryder's BIGGEST Fan!!
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Hi guys,
I haven't posted much in this particular board, but I post on the other boards. Anyway, I have a question but it requires a bit of a back story.

My baby boy is due to arrive October 8, 2010... his father is Japanese, and I am white. His father is very mentally unstable and very abusive in the things he says and does, though nothing physical. So I decided to be done with it all and left him.

Well, much to my suprise I got BOMBARDED with *mostly facebook* messages from friends of his and mine both, who asked if that's REALLY a good idea. They are saying I can never make it alone as a single parent and I'm not putting my son first by leaving his dad. I've heard a lot of "mom's think they can be both parents but they can't be dad's, especially not to boys. You don't know how to be a boy so you can't be there for him in that respect." But I've also gotten a lot of "you're white... you have no idea what the world will be like for your Asian child. That's something he needs his dad in his life to help him out with." Most of these people know all the things I've gone through with this guy.

We were headed for a break up when we found out about the baby. He kicked me out because I refused to get an abortion and "was being selfish not thinking of him and his wants and needs." Like he was thinking of mine at all... anyway, after some time had passed he talks to me and says we can be a family and he's warmed up to the idea and how much fun a son would be... a little buddy to teach about cars and guitars and talk about girls with... that lasted... maybe a month? And we didn't know the gender yet. He began saying then, that if it was a girl, she better have a d.ick so we could turn her into a boy cause he wanted nothing to do with a daughter. Then all at once he started to say it wasn't a baby I was carrying. That it wasn't anything... then for Mother's Day he told me not to expect anything because I'm not a mom yet (this is the first child for both of us) and with it not being a baby, there was nothing to celebrate. Finally I explain to him that this baby has a beating heart, I feel it kick and move and all this other stuff, and if it's not a baby what is it... he then decides that the baby is a tumor and called it that from then on.
We had decided on a room to use as the baby room, then he claimed it was his office and he wouldn't give it up. His office is just his laptop plugged into the wall and a printer plugged in too... no desk or anything. There's some papers laying around, but that's it. It's such a crock.
He hasn't bought anything for the baby and refused to go out with me once I started showing. We quit DTD because he was so turned off by the way I looked. He'd tell me he loved me maaaaaybe once a week if that.
He had good days and bad days. I seriously thought he was bipolar. I never knew which one to expect until the day started rolling on. On his good days he'd wanna go walk around an outdoor mall or go for a ride in his Jeep with the top down. On his bad I wasn't allowed to touch him or talk to him. HEAVEN FORBID I actually do either one. He would lay on the floor and sleep the day away, me on the couch, and the tv off... no talking, just complete silence. We fought about things but not all out fights.
He has been to ONE doctor appointment so far (like I said, I am due in October and will be 6 months on Friday). And at that one appt he acted worse than a child, and did nothing but complain about "why are we here. Why am I here? I should be home working on my cars..." the doc comes in and asks how we are and he says "I'm here." and is very irritated.
He has ex girlfriends that still come around and when they "need" him he goes running out the door to help. Whether it be moral support, car troubles they need him to fix, house stuff they need him to put up/ help build/ whatever... he will go running to them but he couldn't support me and couldn't make it to a single u/s or appt other than the one he went to.
He has taken no interest in his son, and has lost all interest he once had in me. Things would escalate and I'd threaten to leave but never actually did. Then I finally said I'm done and people are saying I can't do this without him...

Sorry this is so long I just wanted you to have the whole story (and although it's long I didn't even put a dent on the rest of the things he has said and done to me!). But I was wondering if any of you are single parents, if you ran into problems with the child because they were a different race from you? I'd like to think I'm strong and can handle this all myself and be just fine on my own. But from what everyone else is saying, it's going to be a lot harder than I think. So I thought I'd ask you guys about it since you all have experience in raising children of different races from yourselves...


Last edited by katiebear; June 15th, 2010 at 04:59 PM.
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June 15th, 2010, 08:22 PM
Perfectly~Flawed's Avatar ♥ Proud Potterhead! ♥
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Hi Katie!

Well, I am a [ recent ] single mother, I am black and my daughter is bright skinned with blue eyes. I do get the stares and questions but we have yet to have faced any problems because of that and I highly doubt we will. I highly doubt YOU will.

...in general MOTHERHOOD itself is difficult & more so when you're on your own. But don't let anyone say you can't do it, because you can. As long as you're strong and centred, you can do it. I do struggle everyday and it has nothing to do with the fact my child has a different skin color than I do - she is still MY daughter and I love her and no one can change that.

From how you described the FOB, you can do much better on your own. That is going to be up to you and you alone hun, you can't let people on the outside tell you what you should do with your life and the life of your son.

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June 15th, 2010, 11:26 PM
maybaby's Avatar Generally Crispy
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I dont even know where to begin...
Well, my LO has fair skin but is only a couple weeks so ive yet to really go anywhere...BUT i know how it is growing up in a situation like what you will have.
My mom is mexican and my dad is jamaican-- my father wasnt around while i was growing up, and i look more jamaican than i do mexican-- or so the general population tells me.
I have heard it all: 'Thats your mom, you dont look like her?! why are you so much darker than her? Is she mixed too? were you adopted? blahblahblah.'
I took it with a grain of salt though. My mom always told me that i was perfect the way that i was, and just because we didnt look just alike, doesnt mean that she didnt love me with all of her heart. My mom is fantastic. Dont let people tell you that you arent going to be 'Asian enough' for your son!!! Thats b.s., you are his mother, and you are everything he will need you to be! You can do what you can to teach him about his asian culture, but you dont have to pretend like you know everything. You just learn together.
As far as raising a boy into a man, PLENTY of single mom's do it, and raise WONDERFUL men!!!! Dont worry about that. There will be times, yes that you will maybe need to call on your dad, or a male to help out with things, you do what you can.
Now-- I am going to say this with love and please dont take offense to it...who are these people telling you these things?? Do they know how he is, do they know how he treats you? If they do, then you should delete them from your FB, and from your life! You need supportive people in your life, especially once your son is born. You and your son deserve so much better than him, and i think that if anything he will be such a horrible influence on your sons life. I think that he will make your life harder, in turn making you less capable of raising your son to the best of your ability.
Like Nicole said, it is solely your decision, but i hope you really take into consideration that you dont deserve that, but most importantly your son doesnt deserve to be around anyone so negative, and mentally unstable such as FOB.
do check out the single mommies board~ you will get great support in there as well!!!!! i really hope to see you in there, and i am SO sorry you are dealing with this!!!

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June 16th, 2010, 09:26 AM
katiebear's Avatar Ryder's BIGGEST Fan!!
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Thank you guys That definitely helped!

The baby's father (Will), is also very controlling and everything has to be HIS way. For instance, one day when I was 4 or 5 months pregnant he wasn't hungry so that meant that WE couldn't eat. I was starving, and I paid for all the groceries! Another day not long before I left I suggested having Arby's because we had coupons. You could get a reg. roast beef or a beef n cheddar for $2 and then get a second one free. So it'd be like paying a buck for 2 sandwiches. He goes OFF on me how we're not rich and I just lost my job (another long story but I'm currently unemployed) and finally I take it upon myself to say hey, you can't really find lunch cheaper than that at the grocery store, and if I don't eat neither does our baby! Well he was p.issed I stood up for myself and didn't talk to me for another hour or two so I left to go to my mom's and stopped and picked up Subway for mysefl along the way.

He tried to alienate me from my family but that didn't work. And he's originally from PA, and we are in IN and he said he was moving and I HAD to go with him. I told him excuse me? No I don't. I have an apartment here with a brand new lease I re-signed cause YOU wouldn't let me move in "officially" to your house. So I'm tied to Indiana. And that was always a big fight too. My family and I are very close.

I have both parents, still married. Two older brothers and a younger sister. They are all absolutely tickled about the idea of a grandson/ nephew. He's the first grandchild/ nephew on both my side and his. They could care less that he's gonna be part Asian, and my sister jokingly calls him "A Gosselin boy" from Jon and Kate Plus 8. She's always thought they were the cutest little kids. But yeah, Will one day decides he hates them, so he's not going to see them and neither am I. One night he went off that the way my dog was breathing was stressing him out, so I could no longer keep him at the house. So Mom and Dad took the dog for me... so I would always say that I missed the dog and was going to see him and would just randomly lose track of time and he could be p.issy by himself all day and I'd enjoy my time with my family.

Like I mentioned, all the people on facebook who sent me those messages were friends of his and mine both. I have deleted some of them already actually.

I have a friend who is biracial (his dad was black and mom was white) and he has offered to by Ryder's father if Will doesn't step it up (Ryder is the name I have chosen. Initially he was supposed to be William the 4th but no way... not now). He told me never to worry about him not having a dad, cause he will. And we may look awkward cause it'll be "a mixed dude, white girl, and Japanese kid out in public" but he has a very "I don't care what anyone else thinks of me" personality. He's my best friend... and of course, Will didn't like him because of the sole purpose that he is a straight male and best friends with a girl.

Also, Mom was one of 8 kids and Dad was one of 6. I have TONS of aunts and uncles and MILLIONS of cousins who also support me. I've heard it a million times "don't stress. He will never want for anything, We have your back." Soooo to me, leaving was hard cause I still loved Will, but it was the only real option. I had so much more stress, and being told when I could and couldn't eat just didn't sit well with me. I mean I'm almost 24 years old! I've lived on my own since I was 19! I am an amazing cook (not to toot my own horn, but I know what I'm good and not good at!) and can fix my own d.amn food! LOL.

Anyway, I'm sure I've got this. Like I said, I have all the help I need in my army of a family. I won't even go after for him child support because he's so unstable. If I did that he'd end up with court ordered visitation, and I'd rather he leave us alone than have to force my son to be around someone who never even wanted him in the first place! He wasn't planned, but Will knew how things were. In late Dec. we went to PA to visit his family over New Year's. In the packing and planning for the trip I forgot to get more birth control pills. I told him right away, and suggested getting condoms if we were gonna do anything... and he said no, messes stresses him out and it's bad enough having to clean up without the condom. So I suggest pulling out at the very least, and he says, again, no it'd be a mess. He said most couples stop birth control for months and still don't conceive, so we'd be fine with my only missing a month. We got back later in Jan and I decided rather than throwing off my cycle, I'd wait til my period came in early Feb and get back on the pills then. Only no period ever came... so he KNEW it was a possibility. I could have said no sex then and he woulda been fine. But what can I say, I guess I wanted it that bad lol.

Anyway... that's just a bit more of the story of me and Will. He was NEVER like that before... or I would have left long before a baby got involved. But I didn't know he'd get this nasty after the fact. Live and learn I guess.
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June 16th, 2010, 06:21 PM
maybaby's Avatar Generally Crispy
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Well I am so glad that you have lots of support, and that you are going to be alright! Good for you for realizing what you have to do to better the life of your son! Your best friend seems like a great guy, he will be a great influence on your son, as well as the rest of your family!
Well, welcome to single motherhood, and life as a mom of a biracial baby!
Look forward to chatting on here, as well as in the single mommies board!!!

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June 18th, 2010, 08:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: New Brunswick Canada
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I'm the single mom of two girls that are biracial (black/white) I'm white, the racial issues are not relevent when it comes to parenting...you just need to love your child and do the best that you can. The only thing that I've always hated is how people keep asking me if they are adopted* especially when the kids hear it.

Being a single mom is hard, you don't have as much support, and you have to work harder. But that doesn't mean you can't do it, there are many women who are doing a great job as single parents.
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June 19th, 2010, 10:38 PM
katiebear's Avatar Ryder's BIGGEST Fan!!
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Yeah I was worrying a little about the adoption thing myself... because with the child basically looking Asian, people might think I adopted him from China or something. Will gets called Chinese all the time by people that don't know him, and he's like uhhh no, I'm Japanese. It doesn't bother him a WHOLE lot, but for some reason I could see it getting to me. But yeah, I don't want people to ask me in front of him if I adopted him.
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