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Needing advice! Please

Forum: Interracial Families


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  • 3 Post By Jinnah
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April 12th, 2013, 06:23 AM
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 59
Hello Everyone,

I am new to this board. I am in need of advice. I am a 25 african american and engaged to my 30 y/o caucasian fiance. I brought 3 children into the relationship and he brought one. Well his son has ADHD, suffers from anxiety and depression. He currently sees a therapist and is on meds. The sitaution is starting to get out of.control because his son is very disrespectful to everyone in the house. He is constantly yelling at my kids about things that he does to them but gets mad if they do the same to him. For example, he will go into their room and play their Wii, but if my boys go into his room he gets mad. He is 10, but his maturity level is at a 6 year olds level. My fiance is trying to fix the situation, but i dont know.if i can deal with it much longer. Today my fiance met with his therapist, and she wants to start ccoming over every thursday from the time he gets home from school until dinner time. I am not comfortable with someone being in my home that much! I am a very private person when it comes to my personal space. I forgot to.add that my fiance has temporary fully custody of his son.
I just dont know what to do! I have never been around a kid with adhd or anxiety or depression ..and his son is starting to cause issues with our relationship. My fiance recently told.me that every woman he dated left because they couldnt deal with his son! What should i do? We may be expecting our own baby and i dont want to keep my 3 kids or a new baby around his son. This didnt start off this bad with his son..it just receny started getting bad.
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June 5th, 2013, 04:57 PM
October 2012 PR Co-Host
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,191
Start thinking of him as your own son if you are going to get married. Then, do what you would do with your own child.
Myopia, hugssandi and Peach Pit like this.
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July 2nd, 2013, 05:39 PM
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 8
You and your fiance should speak with his therapist for advice on how to help him cooperate with his situation. The important part is to help him. He's a child and he's hurting. He acts out,and I'm sure it's driving you insane,but he can't help it. Maybe ask the therapist to help you guys have bonding and interaction time? It sounds like everyone is having a really rough time with this,all the more reason to stick together. If you love him enough to marry him, then I have faith you can learn to love his child too. Ask your fiance how he handles outbursts, tantrums, and other behavioral issues (such as sharing). Best of luck to you.
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July 31st, 2013, 07:42 PM
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2

I'm brand new to this board, but noticed your post. I am white, married to a Jamaican for 8 years. We have two children together son 7 and daughter almost 5.
Our son is diagnosed ADHD. My husband undoubtedly has ADD, but won't admit or address it because where he comes from no such thing exists but that's a whole other story!

As a professional, I have worked with children like your fiancé's son. As a Mom, I get it. My advice to you is 1. Don't let him win this. His behavior has successfully pushed every other woman away. As Moms we learn early on that letting a child get their way only reinforces the behavior. So he has learned acting like this will get his Dad back. It is easier for him to have Dad to himself. It is his comfort and his routine, which most kids with ADHD thrive off of. Let him know in the most loving way possible that you are here to stay, he is now your son also and you will smother him with the same amount of love you give to your other kids, however he will also show respect and have rules and boundaries just like your other kids. You and your fiancé should discuss an agreed on list of consequences for actions. Make sure you are both consistent and always seen on the same page.

It may be difficult, but try to spend some alone time with him (the son). Get to know him as an individual, let him see that you are interested in him and that you really want your new relationship with him to work, that it's not just about you and his Dad. I'll bet that with due time and persistent love and consistent discipline, he will come around.

Good luck!

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