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my Dh is not very helpful. blah

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May 31st, 2012, 11:40 AM
LindseyB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Dh and I had a nice big fight last night. For the last 4 weeks, I have taken care of Blakely day in and day out with hardly any help and sometimes I just get overwhelmed and tired. She is happy all day some days and fussy all.day sometimes. On her fussy days, theres not much anyone can do but just get through it and nobody seems to understand that. My MIL who is usually great with kids and babies (owned a daycare forever) has trouble with her.

DH won't hold her hardly unless shes sleeping or content, and even then he doesn't hold her long. A couple of times in the last month, hes watched her a couple hours while I took a nap, but thats all. He has changed some diapers, but alot of times I have to ask and I HATE asking for help. It's a fault of mine I guess. I'm BFing so hes never gotten up with her at night.

Anyway, onto our fight. DH is best friends with a guy that lives in our neighborhood they went to Afghan together. I get along good with his wife and they have a 7 year old and 1 year old. We were over there for dinner last night and after everyone ate I asked DH to hold B while I got another taco. So he did, and she fell asleep on his lap. Literally, as soon as she woke up he leans over and hands her back to me. Something about that set me off, and I gave him the look. He said what? shes probably hungry. I said well lucky for you I pumped and brought a bottle. He just grins and says "No." This was ugly of me I know but I said, "What? Is 5 minutes too much?" and he got mad then and said I was being mean.

So I fed her and went in the other room with the kids. Shes fussy (not hungry like he always assumes) and I've got her swaddled and trying to console her. He comes over and tries to give her the pacifier I'm holding. I kinda swat his hand away and he says "really? alright karmen lets go home."

We are both mad now and we go home. He's trying to be all helpful now and prove me wrong I guess because he gets her out of her carseat and tries for a good 30 minutes to get her to stop fussing. She wasn't crying, just gripey and so I'm sitting there pretending to read my Kindle watching him get frustrated. He keeps looking at me like he doesn't know what to do. Finally he says "Are you ever going to feed her?"

Seriously?!!!! I said "i just did less than an hour ago Kasey, shes just fussy. Babies do that. Just go to bed"

Anyway, then he raises his voice and is all "don't sit there and act like i'm a crap person/father and i never do anything for you, blah blah" My only reply was "I want your help when I need it, not just when you feel like it." Even though I told him to go to bed, B cried for an hour after he went to bed, so then I'm more resentful because I always am the one who stays up, swaddles, rocks,etc. I'm not sure why she was so fussy yesterday, just one of those days I guess.

We rarely fight, and we've never slept apart just because of a fight, but I packed up the rock n play and slept in Karmen's bed. Its queen size and our old one. I was awake at 430 when he left for work but I didn't speak to him. He text me about 8 and said "I know you think I'm lazy but I'm just busy and trying to balance everything (not true he works almost 7 days a week i dont think hes lazy in that sense) we need to spend more time together and focus on just us sometimes because we've never done that since karmen was born. I'm thinking of some ideas but I want you to think about it too. We can talk about everything tonight. (ya right I bet he comes home and doesnt mention anything he hates arguing)

Sorry that was a novel. Kudos if you made it through. I just don't understand why hes so helpful with karmen and acts like blakely is just too much for him. I know shes not the happiest baby but shes 4 weeks old?!
"What I do today must be important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it."
-Author Unknown

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May 31st, 2012, 11:53 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Tennessee
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I'm so sorry that you fought with DH and that your DH is not much help with Blakely. My DH was alot more help with Jackson than he has been with Jacob but like you Jacob is a much more fussier baby than Jackson was. I think most of our problem is that Jacob seems to only be consoled by nursing or using me as a paci. I get angry at DH sometimes though because he always just assumes that when Jacob cries he must be hungry which I know like you is not always the answer.

Hopefully you and DH can talk and he will be a bit more help. My DH did get up last night and feed Jacob a bottle of pumped milk so I could sleep a bit. It was really nice.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my beautiful siggy
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May 31st, 2012, 12:00 PM
CarolynBB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm sorry you had a fight! It's good that at least he sounds self-aware and is willing to talk about it.

My hubby is great with Kira but then when he's frustrated, he turns into a martyr about it, like he wants a medal for giving her a bottle and changing diapers sometimes.
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May 31st, 2012, 02:27 PM
Platinum Supermommy
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I'm sorry Lindsey that sounds really frustrating. Cole has been such an easy baby so far but he has been fussy the last few evenings. I've noticed that during these times DH automatically just focuses on Chase or other things instead of trying to soothe Cole. It bothered me but I haven't said anything yet.

Hopefully the two of you can have a heart to heart and figure out something that will make things run more smoothly and give you a baby break every once in a while. Hugs!

Thanks so much *Kiliki* for my awesome summer siggie!
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May 31st, 2012, 03:28 PM
ElizabethS's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Florida
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I am having the same problem. DH was GREAT with Ethan....with Brayden he seems at a loss for what to do. I only hand him to him when I take my daily shower and literally as soon as Brayden scrunches up his face he is in the bathrrom and bouncing him nervously and asking "how much longer??" I'm lucky to get a 2 min shower. Makes me even more nervous going back to work...he doesn't know what to do w/ him much less be his sole caretaker!!! DH also has not changed ONE diaper. But in his defense he does change Ethan's all the time.

Momma to Alex (2005), Cadence, (2008), Ethan (2010), Brayden (2012), and Adrianna Elise due September 19th 2014

Stepmom to two (2006, and 2009).

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May 31st, 2012, 03:54 PM
lindsey2000k's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Im sorry
I kinda expected no help with the baby because DH did not really help with Madison until she was almost 2. He never one time got up with her, never got up with her and let me sleep in until after she was 2.
This baby he has never changed a diaper yet. Only holds him 5 minutes at a time. The other night I wanted a shower and started walking up the steps and Bryson started fussing and he made me take him with me. I had not had a shower in 48 hours and was not going to make it another day with out it so I had a quick shower with a baby screaming in his bouncer.

DH has been gone 5:30am-7:30pm 6 days a week last week and now this week so he comes home and acts like he is dying from being so tired eats, showers and goes right to bed. he gets to sleep from 9pm-5am he sleeps right through Bryson fussing at night and gets almost a solid 8 hours. I am lucky to be getting 4 hours each night and typically finally get him sleeping good and manage to fall alseep myself almost 7am and then my door opens and my 4yr old makes me get up.
OH and every night this week he keeps asking when we are going to have "parent time" REALLY???? when? I cant even get 10 minutes to grab a shower and you want me to do you a favor???

Last night he took a shower at 8:30 and I get a text message "going to bed" So I was left down here with the dog to put up and carry my water, breastpump stuff and the baby up to bed.

Sorry I did not mean to turn this into my rant..lol But I feel your pain. I have not started bottles yet and cant wait. I hate going to the grocery store but now I am looking forward to it once we start bottles this weekend. I have to work next week so he has no choice but to be alone with him then.

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June 1st, 2012, 08:08 AM
BeccaMenk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My Dh is the same when it comes to him fussing...he always gets mad at me for not feeding him when he fusses..even if I just did.He says he wouldnt get mad or mind if he could give him a bottle..but he feels helpless to make him less fussy. He never changes diapers unless i ask...and I have asked SOOOO many times for help with dishes and the laundry because I have no time to catch up...he swears he will but it never happens. I will say he does make some efforts though if he sees I am at the end of my rope or really tired out and so I can forgive some of it..
"That special power of loving that belongs to a woman is seen most clearly when she becomes a mother. Motherhood is the gift of God to women". - Mother Teresa.
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June 1st, 2012, 03:14 PM
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I think they're just scared or nervous. I don't know why, but a fussy baby and no quick solution for a guy is unsettling. A little laziness has something to do with it. The lack of effort in trying to be consoling.
My husband wouldn't hold a baby until our son came along.
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June 3rd, 2012, 05:15 PM
LindseyB's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Yes if DH can't "fix" her he doesn't want to be the one dealing with her. He thinks im some magic fix. Sometimes she quiets down immediately when he gives her to me, but most of the time she keeps fussing even if I try to feed her.
"What I do today must be important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it."
-Author Unknown

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June 3rd, 2012, 06:00 PM
fromustobaby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Guys have a VERY hard time at first...newborn is scary...I know that DH and I argued a TON after Kaiden was born cause he was a super tough baby...cried constantly...I went back to work when he was 8 weeks old and DH watched him for 6 weeks, and that made him much better cause he didnt have a choice (obviously, this isnt all that realistic for most people)...its rough without sleep and its rough to have this new person who you dont really know and who is so fragile and temperamental here...for most guys it gets so much easier as the baby gets older and socializes more and is more easily comforted - right now I'm lucky caus Maiya sleeps like 20 hours a day but I know it will get tougher as she gets older...

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