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The guilt is killing

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  • 1 Post By queenofthecastle
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July 16th, 2012, 06:43 PM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 460
I went back to work on July 4th. I work in the ER. 12 hour shifts and I had planned on pumping while at work. Well, it didn't work out so well and I was working the entire day and not getting a chance to pump. My manager was fine with me taking breaks to pump but it was just not feasible as we have been crazy busy.

I talked with hubby and we decided to just switch to formula.

I thought I would be fine with this but I'm not. I'm actually very upset. I feel like I am putting my job and other people before my child. The one time I did leave to go pump, my one patient took a turn for the worse and I was paged overhead to get to the room. How can I pump in that type of environment?

I love my job but I hate that I had to go back already and that it needs to be full time. I dread the weekend because I work Saturday and Sunday and I'm gone basically the whole weekend as my shifts are 7a-7p.

I feel guilty that I work and that I'm not nursing and it's killing me!

Yesterday work was really bad. We had a one year old baby who we couldn't save. It was horrible and it has affected me more than usual. I mean I am always heart broken by these things but this time, it really got to me and I've been in a funk.

I don't know. I guess I just needed to vent. I was feeling pretty good mentally before going back to work but now...not so much.
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July 16th, 2012, 07:43 PM
queenofthecastle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Posts: 35,050
I'm sorry mama!! Giant hugs!! what if you b/f him while your home and f/f when your working?? Would that be an option?? That way you could still have your special time with him and not have to worry about pumping at work. Just a thought!!
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July 16th, 2012, 08:26 PM
bethysfirst1's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,406
^^^love that idea! My mom was an ER nurse so I know how overworked and stressful that job is. You truly are an angel!

I had to ff bc I never produced any milk. I still feel guilty at times, but my baby is healthy, growing well, and happy. Your baby will be too whatever you choose to do.
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Bethany: 35 (SAHM)
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DS: 19 months
Baby #3: Due March 2nd

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July 16th, 2012, 08:54 PM
shanirah's Avatar Mommy Strawberry
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Colorado Springs
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*Hugs* try and nurse at nigt, such a hard job you have, I'm sorry that you are feeling guilty, but he will know you love him whether you nurse or not.
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“First things first, but not necessarily in that order.” The Doctor

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July 17th, 2012, 07:12 AM
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do not feel guilty because not nursed does NOT equal not loved. My husband works long shifts like yours (5 am to 6 pm) and my kids still know who he is and love him and get so excited when he gets home. He's gone sometimes for months at a time and my kids still know who he is when he gets back. Remember, quality not quantity. Just make the time you do get with your kids the best and then it doesn't matter if you're not always there.
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July 17th, 2012, 07:33 AM
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^ agreed. Hugs!!

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July 17th, 2012, 12:18 PM
blueyedncrazy's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 510
I work the same shifts, and I gave up pumping at work before I even started because I knew it was not going to work out. In the medical field, your breaks dont always mean a break. It usually means long enough to get sat down and get comfy then back at it hitting the floor running.
I switched DS to formula at 3 weeks old and he has been doing wonderfully. He is a happy, beautiful, well fed baby. I know "breast is best", but its not always workable in this day and age where all mommies cannot stay home with their babies, or work a sit down, 9-5 job.
You are a good mommy and that baby will love you no matter what you feed it
Keep your chin up!

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July 17th, 2012, 12:33 PM
Clutch's Avatar First Timer
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 933
I'm so sorry you're sad. I'm in the same boat as you, and having to work and formula feed. I'll still nurse her when I get home from work and on my days off. It was really heart-wrenching in the beginning, but it's starting to get better.

Time away from baby is so painful for us, but I think they have an easier time of it than we do.

I hope you start to feel better soon. Your baby loves you, deeply loves you, regardless of what he eats.
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July 18th, 2012, 01:23 AM
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 442
I agree with all PP's comments - what you feed your child does not reflect the depth of love you have for them.

You're doing a great job mommy!! In fact you're pulling double duty doing great work!!

Now pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go forth and smother your baby with kisses will you?!

Ahhh.. baby smell - nothing picks me up better
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July 18th, 2012, 03:26 AM
TnPhotoMama81's Avatar Wife/Mommy/Photographer
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If it were me I think I'd try the nursing at night thing. I am sorry it isn't going like u hoped it would. You're doing a great job though

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July 18th, 2012, 07:21 AM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 460
Thank you ladies.
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