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Am I being unreasonable? (kind of long post)

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  • 2 Post By LindseyE117

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October 12th, 2012, 06:34 PM
amberj90's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 492
I have always had problems with my in-laws. For whatever reason, they just don't like me. It is not just my husbands parents either. Its all his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I'm not gonna say they are racist (they are hispanic, I am white) but I find it suspicious that the only other white person to marry into this family rarely comes around. This will be our 3rd Christmas together, 2nd as a married couple, and 1st with a child. Last Christmas we went out of town to spend a couple days with his side of the family, then came back and spent some with mine. It was a pretty fair arrangement except for the way I was treated. They were so "nice" and "sweet" when my husband was around, but when the guys would go outside to drink or whatever they wanted to do, it was basically like I didn't exist! I tried talking to them, offering to help with food, dishes, or whatever else I could help out with. They just ignored me. I ended up going into another room and sitting by myself. It was especially hurtful since I was just a few months pregnant and they all knew it. I dealt with it for my husbands sake but was relieved when we finally went home. This year I told my husband I don't want to go. I told him that it was his decision if he wants to go, but I don't really want to be treated that way again. He is pretty angry and thinks I am being unfair. Obviously Ethan will be staying with me if I don't go because while my husband is a great father, he would not be able to take care of him the way I do on his own overnight. Not to mention I would not be comfortable being away from him that long. He thinks that it is not fair because none of them have ever met Ethan, and also if I don't go, he doesn't want to because he doesn't want to spend the holidays away from us. Am I really being unreasonable that I don't want to spend the holidays around people who don't want me there? It isn't my fault they haven't met our son becasue we told everyone in both families when I was being induced and invited anyone who wanted to come the week after to see him.
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October 12th, 2012, 07:01 PM
PaxtonsMom's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 1,741
I would not go. If he does not see the problem with how you are treated and remedy the situation, you should absolutely not subject you or your son to thatn my mom was the black sheep of her family so I was automatically treated like a second class citizen because of that. It was very hurtful ; kids aren't dumb and Ethan (and you) should be surrounded by nothing but love and happiness (and respect! ) my heart breaks thinking of you sitting alone, pregnant on Christmas

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October 12th, 2012, 08:02 PM
LindseyE117's Avatar Wookie's Girl
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 3,741
Don't be bullied into putting yourself or your child in that type of situation. I had a similar situation with my ex's family and I was miserable for years. Your husband needs to defend you also or things will never change.

Thank you Shortcake for my beautiful siggy!
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October 12th, 2012, 08:10 PM
amberj90's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Texas
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At the moment, he is not on speaking terms with his mom, dad, or brothers because of some mean, untrue things that were said about me on Facebook. So, he has defended me, he is just convinced things will change with the rest of his family if I give it another chance. I don't want to be the wife that keeps her husband away from his family, or the daughter-in-law who keeps the grandchild away from the grandparents, but it really is a difficult position for me. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one whose been in this type of situation and I really feel for those of you who have.
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October 13th, 2012, 10:05 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2009
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I am sorry. This is very tough. How about you try going and seeing for the last time how it goes. Things may change and if they don't ask the family what you did wrong and why they are the way they are with you. This might be a hard thing to do, but it may be a way to a better relationship. If things get completely out of hand, you guys can always go home. You don't have to be agressive in the way you talk to them, just say you don't feel welcome and ask if you did anything to make it that way. I hope you find a way out. It is a tough situation. Good luck no matter what you decide.
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October 13th, 2012, 06:30 PM
SuperMartianRobotMom6's Avatar Proud Mama & Happy Wife
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 3,968
Your not being unreasonable, but what if you made him promise to not leave you? Or if you invited his family to where you are so they can meet Ethan. Even though they were total Dbags theyre still family and they should meet the baby.

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October 13th, 2012, 08:56 PM
amberj90's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 492
I definitely agree they should meet the baby. We have told everyone several times that they are more than welcome to come visit and meet him, just asked if they would please call in advance so we can make sure to be home. Sadly, none of them have asked to come. What's sad is one of his cousins had a baby in February and everyone has met her. I just don't see the point in bothering to try when they have acted this way. If he doesn't go, I want it to be his decision, I don't want him to be able to come back and say I "made" him do something he was unhappy with. I'm pretty sure I will be staying though.
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October 15th, 2012, 08:51 AM
The Lesha's Avatar Avada Kedavra
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I dont think its unreasonable at all and I wouldnt put myself through it again. Since he's defended you to them, do they now realize how they make you feel? Are they honestly willing to change that? Sounds like an apology is in order.

Maybe you can invite them to a get together at your place and see how things go and if they seem to treat you as you should be treated, then give a second thought to joining them for Christmas.

Thank you *Kiliki* for my gorgeous siggie!
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October 15th, 2012, 12:55 PM
amberj90's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 492
In my opinion, I do think they realize what they are doing, and I don't think they are going to change. I understand him wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt, because it is his family and he loves them. I would probably want to do the same thing if I were him, but I would not get mad at him for how he feels. Its hard to get anyone to come over for a get-together, we have kind of a smaller house and he has a very large family, so its not very doable sadly. We've been talking about it a lot lately, and I have stuck to my decision that Ethan and I are not going. He's starting to understand my point of view a little bit more, but he still feels stuck.
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