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November 27th, 2011, 06:01 PM
MG3's Avatar
MG3 MG3 is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Jersey
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So we picked up Ben from spending an extra long weekend at his father's house....and he gets out of the truck bawling his eyes out. I asked him what's wrong and he says that he doesn't want his dad to go to jail. Apparently he and his girlfriend got into an argument over the court date that's coming up this Friday because he is almost 12K behind in his child support to Ben....I told his father that I didn't think it's appropriate to say things like that in front of Ben because he doesn't fully understand...I was basically told to shut up and he can talk about whatever he wants to in his house. I'm sorry, but no....I have to now deal with Ben bawling his eyes out (still, an hour later) because he's afraid that he's never going to see his father again and it's my fault. He doesn't understand that the county is actually going after his father, he doesn't understand that his father doesn't do a dang thing for him, he doesn't understand that his father should be helping out with things for him--that it's just not always play time--sometimes there are rules and consequences......UGH. So annoying...I'm always the bad guy, yet my husband and I are always the ones to provide EVERYTHING for him; yet we're also the ones who are constantly getting bad mouthed in front of Ben.

whew. I needed that.

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November 27th, 2011, 06:09 PM
JesSsica's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: northern Indiana
Posts: 1,233
Ugh. I'm so sorry. I deal with some issues with my xh so I can relate. It stinks. I'm so sorry your son was put in the middle. It just shows his father's immaturity and lack of compassion for your son and his feelings. =(
~*~ Jessica ~*~
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November 27th, 2011, 06:12 PM
luvmykids623's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: New Jersey
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of that. I wish he could get passed his desire to make you look like the bad guy to Ben so that he could see what he's doing to your son.

Thank you Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy!

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November 27th, 2011, 06:13 PM
MG3's Avatar
MG3 MG3 is offline
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Thanks. I'm tired of him using Ben as his little pawn...it's not fair at all. Sorry you can relate, just sucks.

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November 27th, 2011, 06:19 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: DC Metro
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I'm sorry. These guys are so selfish and immature sometimes.

But as Ben gets older, it'll make more sense to him. I just hope that maybe you and your husband can help him understand that his dad is wrong.
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November 27th, 2011, 06:23 PM
Conners Mommie +2's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Easley, SC
Posts: 9,302
I'm glad I can't relate, because you're probably nicer than me! If he's not paying child support, why should he get time with him when he doesn't do anything for him? I dunno....I'm sure it's more difficult than that. I just hope I never have to go through that. I hope Ben feels better and understands it's not your fault!

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November 27th, 2011, 07:04 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 867
Sorry you have to go through that Melissa. What a selfish dad. Thank God Ben has you and your husband!

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November 27th, 2011, 07:52 PM
-Bailey-'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,442
I hate hearing stuff like this It always seems the parent who doesn't get the most time with the child is always so lenient and makes the other parent seem like the bad guy.

It was so wrong of his dad to argue with his girlfriend in front of Ben period, and even worse that it was over a court date for no child support. He doesn't need to make his son worry about stuff like that!

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November 27th, 2011, 08:08 PM
katchi's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 525
OH, my GOSH. That sucks! I am so sorry, Melissa. I would have lost it.
My ex and I had a situation recently where his new GF was causing all kinds of drama, didn't want James there, etc.
Anyway, I took James to a counselor who specializes in children b/c I was so pissed at him that I literally couldn't talk to James about it in an unbiased way. I'm still getting mad just remembering it. UGH! At any rate, it was great for him and for me. She talked to me about the anger, too, even though I'm not an actual patient. Don't know how you feel about counselors, but if you're not against them, maybe something similar would help Ben? Plus, you might want the records later if you have to request reduced visitation, or supervised visitation to prevent this kind of trauma to Ben in the future. So frustrating how XH's can sometimes be so short-sighted and destructive. The selfishness is ridiculous. Big hugs, girl. That is so rough.

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November 27th, 2011, 08:21 PM
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MG3 MG3 is offline
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Location: South Jersey
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Thanks ladies. Ben is seeing a counselor.....has been for about two years for all kinds of things. He was also just diagnosed as bi-polar; so he see a therapist as well in a counselor...it's been a very rough two years for all of us, and things are starting to get better--the last thing I want is to back track all the amazing progress we have made. Jen, I would love to say no visits period until payments are consistently on time, but unfortunately payments and visitations are two separate ball games. Thanks again for all the thoughtful words--it helps to get it out there.

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November 27th, 2011, 08:25 PM
woohoo502's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Illinois
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So sorry you are dealing with this, Someday, probably sooner rather than later, your son will see the situation and his father for what it really is. He'll see that you weren't the bad guy at all. It just sucks waiting for it to happen, and dealing with the aftermath of you ex in the meantime.
~Whitney mommy to Zoe 9/26/08 and Zachary 3/2/12~

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November 27th, 2011, 08:50 PM
Momma to 2 and one angel
Join Date: May 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 692
Write it down even better next time record how upset your son is and why ... the best evidence in court is proof. Actually the courts can order him not to say things like that in front of your son also if the GF is a problem then the courts can say now visitation with her around she is not a parent she is not even considered a step parent.

Sorry he is such a jerk. Your son will see him for what he is someday.

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November 27th, 2011, 09:45 PM
mamaperry's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Sugar Land, TX
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That's so wrong! What a jerk! Sorry you have to deal with him!

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November 28th, 2011, 11:21 AM
Lovemykiddos!'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I deal with similar stuff with my 11 year old son. His dad is now getting his wages garnished for child support, but before that it sounds like my story. Wish I could tell u that it will get better but it doesn't. Now my sons da tells him he can't afford to get him bday/Xmas presents cuz I made the state take away all his money. (yet he just built a brand new house on a mtn side has things like a heated driveway and a pool built in his yard.......the worst part is my son is his dads number one defender. He makes up excuses all the time for him. I hope some day my son is old enough to fully understand.

Keep up the counseling it's the only thing I have found that is helpful.....also my son is diagnosed bi-polar too, if u ever need to chat feel free to pm me!!
Rachael wife to Shaun, mommy to Jarrett (11) Serenity (3) and Beauden (born 3/3/12) stepmom to Kamryn (9)
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November 28th, 2011, 12:09 PM
Jintana's Avatar Dragoness
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Location: Milpitas, CA
Posts: 1,768
What a s*it gobbler. Sorry you are dealing with this. Absolutely document Ben's responses. And does Ben understand about parking/speeding tickets and how if you don't pay your money you can go to jail? That's how I'd consider explaining it to a kid.. (Also, "I'm sorry you can't have a brand new Nintendo DS, but your dad isn't paying the bills for you" or something like that.. but that's mildly dirty.. )

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November 28th, 2011, 02:34 PM
frgsonmysox's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hate it when parents can't keep their anger towards another parent away from their kids. Kids are not pawns to be played in some divorce/whatever game. IT drives me bananas.

I am so so sorry he is doing this. It's an absolute craptastic thing to do, but one day Ben will understand how much you do for him and how this was on his father - not you.
~Beth~ Wife to my Airman Chris, and mommy to: Anthony Nathaniel (8/31/04), Anastasia Fae (8/01/06), Baby C (lost on 10/12/07), David Cillian (7/31/08), Charles George (4/29/10), and Alan Christopher (2/22/12)

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November 28th, 2011, 02:41 PM
RhiettaP's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Central Coast CA (Air Force)
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It's tough for a child, but as he gets older and understands more...he will see that the *bad guy* really isn't so bad!! Maybe you could explain the *following the rules and consequences of not following the rules* on a level that might help him understand what is going better....rather then it being you against his dad.....make this all about his dad, and the choices his dad made (on a respectful level if possible).
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