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Memorial services

Forum: Stillbirth


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April 1st, 2008, 12:18 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
So I'm curious... interested to hear everyone's experience.

What did you do as a memorial service? Did you have one at all? What kind of items/photos did you display? Who did you invite?

2 IVF babies and 1 surprise!
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April 1st, 2008, 03:04 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
Since we buried my son, we had a funeral. I don't think we really invited anyone, but a lot of people came. I guess I felt like saying, "Hey come to the funeral," was weird... but we got the information out. We basically said we didn't mind if people wanted to come, but we weren't expecting anyone but family. We told the church, I put it on my blog for my good friends, that kind of thing.

The funeral was held at the funeral home. My DH and I went a hour and a half before and spent time with our son in the parlor. We didn't want a real "visitation" but it happened that way. By the end, I was fine with it. So most people who came to the funeral saw my son. We closed the casket and took it into the place were we held the ceremony. I had a very good friend sing a song that has meant a lot to me through my daughter's trials and the death of my son. It is called, "Praise You In This Storm." Then my brother read a scripture that held a lot of meaning for us. Then my pastor spoke about the impact Bryan Luke had on the world even without taking a breath. It was amazing. After that was done the family went to the graveside and my pastor prayed the Lord's Prayer with us. A few of our close friends came to the graveside as well. I was suprised at a few of them.

Anyway, we didn't do a lot. It was a very short time after he had died and I was still recovering from the C-section and major high blood pressure, so I couldn't be out long. It was special to us though.

My DH is for some reason very set against putting out pictures of Bryan Luke. I think for him it reminds him of the pain... for me, it reminds me of the joy. But I respect him. We've made a memory shelf in our home that we understand but most people might overlook. We don't have pictures of him up anywhere in the house, which makes me sad, but I look at them often.

I've see releasing balloons which I think is a great way to end a service. I thought I would have liked everyone to have a pinwheel at the graveside and leave them around his grave before they left.

Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
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April 1st, 2008, 04:27 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9,769
We cremated Calypso and have a memorial service. I invited all my close friends and pretty much anyone who wanted to come. Had flowers, her photos, a teddy bear ext. It was really nice. We played a bunch of music I had picked out and had food. We also had our pastor do a small sermon type thing
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April 1st, 2008, 11:06 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: SW FL
Posts: 8,785
Well, while I was in the hospital still we decided to cremate Dominic. Everyone that was coming to see him came the night I had him and the next day. He was cremated the following thursday and we decided not to have a service for him. I was thinking about doing a little party on his first birthday. I can't now because I will be 9 months preggo, but I will do something special for him that day. I haven't decided what yet.
Leann <3 Hector
My trio: Alyssa 7, Tristan 4.75, Gavin 1.5

I am a mixture of all that and a bag of chips... IJS

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April 2nd, 2008, 11:36 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
We pretty much decided on cremation the evening after we found out she was gone, but I was still pregnant because we couldn't get into the hospital until the morning. Our bishop called around to funeral homes in the area to find out who could do what we wanted and what the costs were. That was so nice of him.

Our friends came to my hospital room to see Cora about an hour after she was born, since they wouldn't get to see her later. We had sort of a little party in there, a celebration of friendship and life and everyone cried with us.

We spread Cora's ashes up on Jenny Lake in the Grand Teton mountains on our first anniversary. We camped up there with my younger sister and DH's younger sister. We didn't have an official memorial really, just standing in the water spreading the ashes out at that beautiful place. It was very beautiful and very peaceful.

As far as things we have displayed, I have these two pictures:

And this table display (I need to re-glue her hand print!):

My sister bought the bears when I was pregnant with Cora, and she painted them and gave them to me for her first angelversary.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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April 2nd, 2008, 12:02 PM
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I hated my sons funeral, not just because it was a painful thing to do, but so many of the requests I wanted never happened and I didn't have the strength to ask why or argue with anyone.

We chose burial in a place called Garden of Angels

I wanted it private, just my husband and I. I went through my entire pregnancy alone with no support other then a little from my husband, I knew my family wasn't flying over for the funeral because I asked them not too, but I guess I didn't want people at the funeral because if they didn't care about the pregnancy why should they want to come to the funeral, in a way it was like they were only there because they felt sorry for me.

My BIL then said he was coming, that was ok even though he did ask us to change the time so he wouldnt have to miss class..... I said no. Then my MIL decided she was flying down, she also tried to take over the funeral arrangements before she ever got here which annoyed me to no end. Then she invited the people who she was staying with, people i only met once ever, even though she knew I didn't want strangers there. Then a bunch of other people I didn't know showed up... grrr

The funeral home listed it in the paper even though we requested them NOT too. This meant even more strangers there, my mother in law seemed excited it was in the paper and proceeded to send me the clippings the next week, even though I did not want them and I made that clear I didn't want it in the paper, so I threw them in the trash.

When the funeral home asked about what minister we wanted, we said a non-denominational and requested it not be religious and he just read some poems and say some nice things. The entire service was him reading from the bible. I was to upset at the time I didn't even care, but I know it bothered my husband. I didn't even hear what the guy said, because I didn't believe in any of it.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him at the funeral, but I was sure I didn't want anyone else too. It just felt wrong people seeing my dead baby. I went in first with the intentions of looking at him and then asking him to close the casket. I hated looking at him, he looked nothing like he did as a living breathing baby boy, he looked like a plastic doll.. that is sooo horrible to say, but I hate that my last memories of what he looked like are now so jaded. My husband came in and said others wanted to look, I caved and I sat there crying as people looked, not because I was sad, but because I didn't want them looking.

My MIL spent the entire day of the funeral and day before requesting our full attention and making us go out to eat etc etc, I felt so blah, out of guilt of her flying here just for the funeral I was forced to spend the day of the funeral doing things like going out to lunch with people I didn't want too, then seeing a movie and going to someones house to meet their family. It was my sons day, I wanted to be alone and grieve, I hated that I felt guilted in to things.

Honestly this is all my rambling and really my own gripes, I guess I just wanted to say not only was it a sad day, it was awful because it was NOTHING like what I wanted and it felt like I was steam rolled because I was not strong enough to defend my wants at the time. Please do whatever YOU and your husband want, not what other people THINK a memorial service/funeral should be like.
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April 2nd, 2008, 12:46 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Honestly this is all my rambling and really my own gripes, I guess I just wanted to say not only was it a sad day, it was awful because it was NOTHING like what I wanted and it felt like I was steam rolled because I was not strong enough to defend my wants at the time. Please do whatever YOU and your husband want, not what other people THINK a memorial service/funeral should be like.[/b]

First of all, I wanted to give you honey! I'm sorry that it turned out like that! I'm sure your MIL thought she was helping by "distracting" you but people don't understand that grieving NEEDS to happen, and the funeral is the place that needs to be. I'm sorry it wasn't anything like you wanted. I'm sorry they didn't listen to you. That makes me angry.

But I agree, it needs to be what YOU need. YOU are the parents, and YOU are the ones who need to have your needs met in order to heal.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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April 3rd, 2008, 12:12 AM
Melissa02909's Avatar Super Mommy
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I, also, had little family support. Infact, my mother was the only one who knew about the pregnancy at that time. I was young and unmarried. I never told my other family because, at the time, I though they'd be ashamed I was unmarried and pregnant. My mother didn't want me to have the baby anyway, so I never told anyone. Now, I am embarressed I never said anything. It makes me feel like the babies life didn't matter.

We all live with guilt, but the loss of a chils is the worst. I am only able to survive some days because of support here and my immediate family.

When my sister turns 18, we plan to go get angel wings. I am going to get them and have Abbey's angel birthday put on my shoulder. God, that is the first time I have ever written her name. It's a happy and sad moment.


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April 3rd, 2008, 06:41 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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we had a family graveside memorial that was it for our family
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