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Forum: Stillbirth


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May 11th, 2009, 08:38 AM
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 0
I lost my baby boy almost a month ago at 18.5 weeks. It was an absolute shock - I really thought that all would be well since I made it past the first trimester. No one really talks about second and third trimester losses.

I never saw him in person and now I regret not taking that opportunity. The hospital did take pictures for me and I'm so glad I at least have those. Everything happened so quickly and was such a blur - I wish I had more time to think about seeing and holding him. My DH doesn't understand at all - he doesn't even want to see the pictures! We hadn't picked out a name - nothing seemed just right - so our baby remains nameless.

DH left all the funeral arrangements up to me - said he would be fine with whatever I decided. I decided to keep the ashes at home and he's not happy with that. DH thinks I'm dwelling on the past and that we should move forward. I agree about moving forward but that doesn't mean we should forget about our baby or act like nothing happened. It's hard enough when you feel like friends and family don't really understand the extent of your loss - I know DH mourned in his own way - it's just frustrating that no one seems to really get it.
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May 11th, 2009, 08:45 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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im so sorry to have to welcome u here and for the loss of ur precious son i hope u find support here, im claire co host here and hope u stay the ladies here r fantastic ul love them... im so sorry that we have to be here i lost my little girl jessica on 17th june 2005.

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May 11th, 2009, 08:49 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maitland, Florida
Posts: 9,385
Hi sweetie! I was in your ddc, and ended up here 4/26/09...well, I was here because I lost our first son 3/30/08. I have three girls on earth.

Welcome, and I'm so sorry you had to come here, but we are a close bunch.

I have both sons' ashes here, and I don't regret it a bit. Men mourn differently....they want to fix things, and ashes are a reminder of something they couldn't fix.
my thanks to Claire1979 for the awesome siggy!!
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May 11th, 2009, 10:00 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
I'm so sorry for your loss, and that your hubby doesn't seem to get what you're going through or what you need. It can be hard for them, since they grieve in such diferent ways... they often don't bond as closely at first because they aren't the ones carrying the baby, feeling the movement, feeling sick. I hope he is able to find a way to support you through this.

And no... moving forward does not mean letting go of everything. All of us here have moved on to some degree or another, but none of us ever let go of that grief, or of those objects that we hold close. I have a stuffed animal I sleep with, we have a quilt on our wall, we have pictures and ornaments on a special shelf for my son. It makes me feel happy to have them around.

2 IVF babies and 1 surprise!
~*~ My Blog ~*~
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May 11th, 2009, 10:53 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Beaverbank, Nova Scotia
Posts: 19,417
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I am so sorry for your loss - and I am sorry that your DH is having a hard time - like others have said - they cope so different then us.

My name is Jenn - I am the co-host of the board - I lost my daughter at 27 weeks back in October of 2003 and I have gone on to have two beautiful boys since then Benjamin is just 4 and Logan is 8.5 months old.

Like you I didn't know about 2nd and 3rd trimister losses - I thought I had smooth sailing ahead - guess not......

If you want to, even if it is a month later you can name him - it may help in the grieving process to place a name to your son
Marsha's Girlfriend

My Kiddos
Chloe (14),
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Logan (6), Kaitlin (3)

εϊз Some People Dream of Angels But I Held One In My Arms εϊз
Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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May 11th, 2009, 10:53 AM
AliciaF's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Southern Cali
Posts: 2,517

I lost my son at 19w6d last July. I also have his ashes at home with us as I didn't feel right not having him here. I'm sorry your dh isn't supporting you in the way you need it right now.

I agree that moving forward doesn't mean moving on and forgetting. He is your son, I think naming him, even now, would be a big help for you guys.


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May 11th, 2009, 11:51 AM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 6,834
So very sorry to have to have you join us here. Like everyone has said, men grieve so differently than women. I hope he comes around to support you soon. Please don't feel wronged by how you are grieving because your husband is doing it differently. Take your time too. Get support from a group if you have to. Also, don't feel like you have to "forget" about your son ever. My thought's and prayer's are with you through this time.

BTW, I'm Stephanie and lost identical twin girls on 11-9-08 at 23 weeks gestation.

If you have any questions or need help in any way, please don't hesitate to come here and ask us. We are here to help you.


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May 11th, 2009, 11:51 AM
lex1078's Avatar Waiting patiently....
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May 11th, 2009, 01:46 PM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,192
I'm so sorry about your little guy. I defnitely think if DH doesn't say anything about a name you should just name him yourself.

I felt very stunned when I lost Roald at 25 weeks as I had never heard anyone tell me about second trimester losses either. It was very confusing. We initially didn't want to see him, but of course that changed and we did. However, I do understand that sometimes when your boyfriend or husband makes you feel uncomfrtoable about it or as though he doesn't want to the baby, it can really influence our decision about stuff to do. I couldn't read my husband, so I spent very little time holding our son and now I regret it (especially since now I know it wouldn't have bothered Bill at all).

When I joined this group they were all here for me and have been since, it is such a wonderful group of ladies. I hope you stick around for support. But I'm sorry you have to be here.
Visit Terry & Roald's Memorial Site!

Thanks to Mommy2Belle for my Roald blinkie!
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May 11th, 2009, 04:05 PM
BellaBellski's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: DC, BC
Posts: 3,554
Welcome I'm so sorry about your loss & I Understand completely what you mean about the shock of it. You just think once you've made it passed the first tri you're in the clear

I wish there was something I could say to take away the pain of it all. I do think, though, that it isn't too late to name your boy & cherish his memory if that's what you want to do

Proud Mommy to Mattea Lilian born February 21st 2007 - 7lbs 14oz &
Owen Markus James born October 21st 2009 - 10lbs
Forever loving & Missing ~Damian~ born into heaven August 13th 2008
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May 11th, 2009, 05:04 PM
SimplyJenalee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 789
I am so sorry to welcome you here, but I am glad you found us. This is a great group of ladies and theyhave been all so helpful to me. I lost a baby girl in December at 39W6D. I totally get what your saying about losses past the first trimester. I was also not even considering it could ever happen. Men and Women grieve different ways, as everyone said here, and also you had a special bond of carrying the baby that your DH does not understand. I also agree with the other girls that it is never too late to give you sweet baby boy a name
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May 11th, 2009, 05:31 PM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I'm so sorry for your loss and to have to welcome you to this board

I'm sorry that you feel as if no one really understands what you're going through. I think I can speak on almost behalf of everyone here that it's such a difficult loss and unless you've been through it, people just don't get it and just expect us to 'move on' or 'get over it'.

My name is Stephanie and I lost my sweet baby girl Katrina at about 23 weeks. This board has some truly amazing women that have helped me so much through my loss. I hope you can find some comfort here with us.
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