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when u say u know how ''they'' feel

Forum: Stillbirth


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May 26th, 2009, 07:14 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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i mean we've all said it when a new member joins or someone u know goes throu this, but can we really know.
because I don't. I know how I felt losing my child but I don't know how they feel losing their child. It's so personal to everyone.

we all grieve differently noone knows how to grieve we do it how we feel we need to do it its like there is a way in all the books and all the phycs like we should follow intructions and i think thats why most of us feel wrong! when we can only know how we feel ourselves.

its so hard to grieve. its as hard as the actual loss sometimes i get confused, cause its been 4 years since jessca died im finding the grieving hard again.

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May 26th, 2009, 07:58 AM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
You're right... no, we can never REALLY know what someone else is going through. But on the other hand, I find that there is definitely many common feelings in babyloss mamas.... and when I was new to my loss having someone who had had a loss before say to me, "I know, I've been there," was very comforting to me. I feel like most of the time you guys understand me far better than anyone else, because you are walking your own journey of loss.

2 IVF babies and 1 surprise!
~*~ My Blog ~*~
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May 26th, 2009, 08:18 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maitland, Florida
Posts: 9,385
I think that's one of my lessons this time around. Y'all are the closest to understanding how I feel, but I've never lost Jessica, Cora, Ethan, Roald....I've lost Marshall, and now Jonah. I don't know how I should feel losign two. I'm not grieving Marshall all over again...is that wrong? I'm focused on Jonah. When will I grieve Marshall again? Does this make me a bad mother?

When we lost our babies, did anyone give us a handbook? Is there such a thing? Why do we categorize our grief? Why do I have to feel bad because I want my sons back?

I get ya love. I DO know how you feel about this.
my thanks to Claire1979 for the awesome siggy!!
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May 26th, 2009, 09:20 AM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,732
In grad school, they taught us to never, ever say to a patient "I know how you feel." Because we don't. Even if we have experienced something similar, we never know what it is like for THEM to experience it.

Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!

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May 26th, 2009, 10:52 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
Yeah that is a big thing I try to NEVER say. I don't know how anyone else feels, only my grief. I remember having many of the same feelings that some of you have described, but mine are my own just as yours are.

Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
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May 26th, 2009, 11:53 AM
BakingMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,192
Everypne deals with things in their own way. We've all experienced the same type of loss, but each is individual.
Visit Terry & Roald's Memorial Site!

Thanks to Mommy2Belle for my Roald blinkie!
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May 26th, 2009, 12:11 PM
grlpisces's Avatar Dynamite w/ a laser beam
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: 32.918289,-97.272266
Posts: 1,758
I can't say that I've ever said to someone "I know how you feel." I may have said "I know the feeling" or "I can only imagine how you feel", but since I don't know how the other person feels, I can't be that assuming.

Yes, each of our feelings are our own and they are SO personal. Someone else could never comprehend just how each of us is feeling. To say "been there, done that"; yes. But to say "I know how you feel?" Nope.

Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggie!

I'm Barb, Mom to Angel on Earth Julia Rose (7*22*08), her twin brother Angel in Heaven Noah (7*22*08), and rainbow baby Sydney Noelle (12*4*09).

*a special 'thank you' to all the blinkie creators for their talents*
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May 26th, 2009, 02:52 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Like some of the other ladies have said, I try to say "I know what it feels like." There are times I'm at a loss, even here (like any of you ladies who have struggled with infertility). But I know that slicing, gut wrenching, tear-your-guts-out, breath-stopping grief.

Anyway, Heather, I don't think you're a bad mother for focusing on Jonah right now. Jonah is special and deserves his own grief time. I'm sure Marshall understands that. It doesn't mean that you don't love or miss Marshall...but Jonah is his own special person.

Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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May 26th, 2009, 03:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,304
Very good point Claire. We all have different ways of grieving. I am very, very private and some moms are very open and they have actually helped me a lot because that is a trait I really admire and made me realize that Jake doesn't have to be only a part of my private life but can be and should be talked about and I don't have to feel bad about mentioning him.

Owen, Avery, Samantha and forever missing Jake born still 08/01/99.

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May 26th, 2009, 08:18 PM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I don't think I've ever said "I know how you feel", but I apologize if I have ever. I do agree that grieving is SO different among everyone. Everyone deals with it just so differently. We can never truly know what someone is going through even if they've had the exact same type of loss as us. Everyone has a different story.

That's why some people will never understand why I am like an emotional rollercoaster - when they think I should be done grieving or something.
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