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Should I give a card to BIL and SIL whose son was stillborn?

Forum: Stillbirth


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August 27th, 2010, 11:12 AM
sweets's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 608
First of all, I am very sorry for all of your losses. Thank you for taking the time to read my question.

My brother in law and sister in law lost their baby boy in April 2010 when she was 38.5 weeks pregnant. They are both still very devastated and they are having a memorial service for him tomorrow (he was cremated).

When they lost the baby, I was actually in a different hospital with my 6 day old newborn daughter who was born at 28 weeks after my water broke at 23 weeks and I had been hospitalized on bedrest for four weeks. It was a very trying time for the whole family as my husband and I didn't know if our daughter would survive and then his brother and wife lost their son within days of our daughter's birth.

I never sent a card when it happened as I was in the NICU with my daughter
every day and away from home in a different city for her special care. My husband doesn't "do" cards so he never sent one.

I want to express my condolences so I am wondering if I should send a card with my husband to the service. My husband doesn't want me and our baby going to the service (it is an hour away) mostly because his brother and his wife do not want to see our daughter (because it reminds them of their son). They have yet to meet her, which I understand.

Should I bother sending a card or is it too late and will it just upset them more?

Thank you.

Kylie (37), DH (35) Married since September 5, 2009
DD Chloe born at 28 weeks on April 10, 2010.
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August 27th, 2010, 11:36 AM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11,772
I think giving them a card is a good idea...I know that I only got a couple of cards when I lost my baby, and they ment a lot to me...It actually hurt my feelings that more people didn't...That's just me though...I think it helps to know that people remember our baby's that are no longer with us.
Forever Missing My Baby Girl Ella Grace
Born Sleeping October 14, 2009

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August 27th, 2010, 11:44 AM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
I personally think it's nice for you to send a card. It just shows that you're thinking of them and that you haven't forgotten about their little boy.

When we lost baby K, it really made me feel comforted when someone gave us a card just to tell us that they were thinking of us during such a difficult time.

There's nothing you can do to take away their pain but just showing that you care with something simple like a card says so much!

Last edited by LaLaLa1; August 27th, 2010 at 11:47 AM.
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August 27th, 2010, 12:05 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I don't think it would be inappropriate, especially considering that it would be during the memorial service.

You aren't going to "remind" them of their pain, they already feel it every day. Acknowledging that they still hurt may actually help a lot. Like the other girls said, the cards we received are treasured.

I think it's wonderful that you are being understanding of them not coming to visit your daughter. Hopefully eventually they will be able to see her and love her as their niece and not not-their-son. It's so hard though. I was pregnant with my best friend and it really hurt to look at their daughter for a long time. Sometimes now it still hurts a little, but it's taken me four years to really be able to separate it and love Katy for Katy and not hurt because she's not Cora.

Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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August 27th, 2010, 12:17 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,710
It's never too late to send a card. Most people send a card or say something in the 1st week, then it feels like everyone expects you to be "over it". While many people do heal over time, you never "get over" losing your child. It meant a lot to me when people still took the time to remember my daughter and me a few months after her death. I felt like they were validading the fact that I still felt intense grief.
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August 27th, 2010, 01:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,924
I think sending a card is great. You could either send it with your DH or just mail it so she gets it at home in a few days. I got sympathy cards in the mail for a few weeks after I lost Seth and I really appreciated all of them.

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August 27th, 2010, 01:29 PM
sweets's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 608
Thank you all for replying! I will definitely give them a card....I think I'll put it in the mail for them

Wishing many blessings on you and your families.


Kylie (37), DH (35) Married since September 5, 2009
DD Chloe born at 28 weeks on April 10, 2010.
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August 27th, 2010, 02:10 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 3,628
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Even now after a year and a half, if i got a card today it would mean a lot to me. It really is the thought that counts.
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August 27th, 2010, 09:41 PM
Sarah Marie's Avatar Mom to Leiland and Owen
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Middle TN, Born and raised in MI
Posts: 10,454
I think so, the thought would mean so much, especially since you are still thinking of them.
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September 3rd, 2010, 05:36 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 998
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I would have to agree with sending a card

Thank you so much for the awesome siggie Claire
Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment
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