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Forum: Stillbirth


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October 1st, 2010, 03:32 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 998
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Our Story

We first became pregnant in 2008, I was attending bible college. We were so excited to become pregnant as we had been trying to conceive for a few years. The first trimester was terrible with morning sickness. I had to really restrict what I was eating, once my diet was changed the pregnancy was great. We were able to hear our babies heartbeat at eight weeks. I had my ultra sound at 20 week, my husband was away overseas, so my best friend came with me. We found out we were having a baby boy and were super excited. I remember what my husband said on the phone,"we're having a boy, really a boy !!!!" I really felt that we should call him Malachi and not to sure why. We had a very uneventful pregnancy.

At 41 weeks I was booked in to be induced. I was induced with cirvidil. The contractions were long and very close together, so I asked the nursing staff to take out the cirvidil. Once they took this out I was finally able to have a break and then my natural contractions started. The contractions were very close together again and I didn't really get a break. The midwife had to break my water and then I was ready to give birth. I had to squat to push. I pushed for 1 hour and a half and still he wasn't coming out. Our son was stuck in the birth canal. The hospital we choose to go to didn't have the facility for c section, so I had to be transferred as our son was in distress. I was transferred by ambulance (The driver took his sweet time) my husband met us at the hospital. I was taken into surgery right away and the doctor had to push his head back up the canal. I knew something was wrong when I didn't hear our son crying.

When my husband told me our son had died, it didn't feel real at all. How does this happen. I was swollen so bad that I couldn't walk or even get out of bed. The hospital staff had never seen such bad swelling. The doctor said that I was lucky that the hospital hadn't used forceps, as she wouldn't have been able to put me back together again because of all the swelling. I was put on bed rest at the hospital. The hospital washed and dressed our son and left him in our room for us to visit with him. They took foot prints and hand prints for us to keep. We have a lock of his hair as well.
He spent four days with him, I know that most people must think that is strange, but I didn't want him to go. The hospital had a photographer come in and take pictures with us, plus we brought our own camera. I was so very sad when we finally said good bye.

At the funeral home we picked out an urn and had some of his ashes put into a locket that I wear all the time. My DH and I have matching id bracelets with his name and birthdate. At the funeral i gave a eulogy and sang a song. I tried to be strong and tell everyone that this what was really what was best for our son, but in my heart I didn't believe that at all. Sometimes I try and convince myself of that now and depending on the day I do believe this.

We became pregnant aug 2009 and were so excited to be pregnant. I started to see my ob and we went for our first ultrasound. This was when I found out there wasn't a heartbeat. The ultrasound tech said it was just to early. I saw my ob and she told me about empty sac and that this happens with 20 % of pregnancies. There was a baby there, but the baby died because of a birth defect. We were sent back for another ultra sound and were confirmed there was only a sac. We scheduled a d & C.
My heart was so broken, I just couldn't understand why or how this could happen again. Everyone told me the next time things would turn out differently. I saw how that worked out. I became more angry and resentful towards a lot of people. I still an angry, but not as much and just wish we could have our miracle baby.

Thank you so much for the awesome siggie Claire
Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment
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October 1st, 2010, 05:39 PM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Beaverbank, Nova Scotia
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awww hun
thank you for sharing your story
Marsha's Girlfriend

My Kiddos
Chloe (14),
Benjamin (9)
Logan (6), Kaitlin (3)

εϊз Some People Dream of Angels But I Held One In My Arms εϊз
Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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October 1st, 2010, 07:20 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: CT
Posts: 982
aww Liz...thank you for sharing. I too try and be positive towards others...thinking, hoping that by appearing outwardly positive it would influence the way my heart feels. As much as I *want* to believe that things happened just as it was supposed, just as God had planned.... I think But how could it truly be "right" when our baby boys are not with us? My ds 1 and my dd came just when we needed them most...but I can't bring myself to 100% believe that Joey dying was the "way things were supposed to be".

It is okay to still be angry. It is okay to still be sad and hurt. What is most important is that you are talking about Malachi and sharing his story. I know you have been touched by your son's life, and so have we...but by you sharing his story maybe another baby was saved. That can sometimes bring up more questions "well why wasn't MY baby saved" but maybe you can find it in you to be consoled by that fact. Hang on to any little thing that could be positive hun.

You are in my prayers.
Married to my best friend Tom since 2004 (together since 1999)
Mommy to two little boys:
Jamie ~ 7-12-04 ~ fun, crazy, transformer loving tough-guy mama's boy
Joey ~ 4-4-09 ~ born sleeping ~ held under my heart for 40wk1d, in my arms for just 6 short hours but he will be in my heart forever
And finally holding my little girl,Felicity Rose, Born into Daddy's loving hands on June 9, 2010

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October 1st, 2010, 08:53 PM
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 244
oh hun, my heart aches for you. For the loss of your precious boy and for the emptiness of your arms. I am thinking of you.

b/g twins Logan and Ella
Logan stillborn, loved beyond measure

Journey to Logan video http://smilebox.com/playBlog/4e54597...314d673d3d0d0a
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October 1st, 2010, 10:40 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 11,772
Thank you for sharing your story (((Hugs)))...I hope you get your rainbow baby soon.
Forever Missing My Baby Girl Ella Grace
Born Sleeping October 14, 2009

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October 2nd, 2010, 05:32 AM
Aeterna's Avatar Super Speshil
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: the edge of reason
Posts: 1,721
Oh, Liz. I'm so sorry, mama. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story. I see Malachi was due in December. My Duncan was due in December, but I had him in November.

G 12.04 | E 11.06 | D 11.08 | H 12.09 | R 11.14 | Expecting #6 2.17.18.

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October 2nd, 2010, 08:40 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I don't think I ever knew Malachi's story. I'm so sorry
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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October 2nd, 2010, 02:03 PM
Proud Momma
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 3,781
Oh Liz, I have tears in my eyes . I don't think you've ever really shared your story although I've sort of pieced it together myself over this last year and a half.

I think of you so often and it makes me so sad to know all of the pain you've gone through. I truly believe though you will have your rainbow/miracle baby one day.

I am so glad that you got to spend 4 days holding your beautiful little boy. He is very lucky to have such amazing parents that he gets to watch over.

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October 2nd, 2010, 03:14 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 998
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Thanks everyone.
I never shared our story unit now.
I found talking about the events that lead to his death very difficult in the past, but felt sharing his story was one more thing I needed to do.
Today we participated in a walk to remember and I was given the chance to share our story again.
I feel so blessed to have you ladies to talk with.

Thank you so much for the awesome siggie Claire
Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment
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