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Unique Situation Help: Am I A Monster?

Forum: Stillbirth


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February 20th, 2011, 04:58 AM
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1
I feel like I can't find any answers about the situation that I am in. I would really like some support, though I don't think I deserve any.

I was raped in August by a guy I do not know. They never found the guy. But I was having his baby until a week ago. I was at 26 weeks, and I had a still birth. My doctor said he did not know a reason for what happened. I was put on bedrest the week before I miscarried because of high blood pressure, but I was doing everything right.

I'm 23 years old, single, a college graduate and I have a good job. There is no reason why I couldn't take care of a child by myself right now. However, I was never emotionally attached to this baby. I feel like a monster for saying so, because it was partly my baby, and it wasn't her fault her father was a monster. But I tried and tried to love her. I've wanted kids since I was little, partly why I wanted to become a teacher. I've had my special names picked out for a long time (fully understanding that I'd have to run them by my future husband at some point). But I couldn't get attached to this baby. I wanted nothing to do with her. At the same time I didn't want any harm to come to her.

I was already thinking that I didn't know if I would be able to raise her. I was considering adoption heavily. I have a cousin who has been trying to get pregnant with her husband for a while now with no luck. I just wanted to give her the baby sometimes.

I'm sad that she died, I'm sad that I didn't want her. Is this normal? It's almost like relief. And that's the part that scares me the most. Am I a heartless monster for not loving my baby?

Please any support and or criticism is much appreciated at this point. I'm on maternity leave so I can cope with things. Just looking for answers.
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February 20th, 2011, 05:08 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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firstly im sorry for your loss, your situation is a hard one, i dont really know what to say, your emotions a raw. im sure deep down you loved your baby <3

im claire co host here x

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February 20th, 2011, 06:21 AM
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: scotaland
Posts: 453
first of all great big huge hugs to you hun

after what you have went through i think you have went into protection mode..it must have been a big shock for you to be pregnant after being raped..then to have a stillbirth is all the more harder..

i dont think you are a monster for not loving your baby..a lot of mothers dont feel they love there babies when they are first born but that is not wrong..

you were trying to give your baby the best start in life and that is life itself..even if you wanted to give her up for adoption

i really think that you should get some counciling to try and sort out how you are feeling bout the rape and your baby..

try to be kind to yourself you are not a monster your are human and i think the feelings you are having are normal for the circumstances

i wish you all the best in your life hun

take care
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February 20th, 2011, 09:07 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
Oh, hun. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the conflicting emotions you had in relation to your baby... I too think counseling would be a good thing for you to sort things out.

Thank you Katie (.:Shortcake:.) for my beautiful siggy!!

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February 20th, 2011, 10:08 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,095
I can only imagine the pain and grief you are and have been dealing with. You said that you don't deserve support, but in truth you deserve all the support in the world. You are definitely not a monster!
I think that counseling is a good place to start the healing process. After all that you've been through, I would say that your conflicted feelings are completely justified. You were doing your best to deal with one type of pain and grief only to have another compound it. Please don't beat yourself up about this. Your perceived lack of attachment doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it doesn't even mean that you didn't care. Sometimes we divorce ourselves emotionally from painful situations because it is the only way we can deal. I have not experienced anything remotely as traumatic as you have, and I can only guess at what you have and are continuing to go through.
I have had four pregnancy losses in three years. With each pregnancy, I become less and less 'attached'. That does not mean that I do not love my babies. It only means that they have immense power to cause me pain. I think that the mind does what it needs to for survival. I don't know if any of this blabbering helped, but I sincerely hope that it hasn't hurt. You are in my thoughts.

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February 20th, 2011, 05:37 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I agree completely with Laurie. I don't think anyone with an ounce of compassion could consider you a "monster." In the end you were trying to give her the best life you could, and that's what a good parent does.

Like Laurie said, we separate ourselves from painful situations. Like when in an immense amount of physical pain we lose consciousness, when we are in a lot of emotional pain, that part of us shuts down.

Either trauma would be more than enough for anyone to work though, but both together? I agree, if it's possible, counseling will help

And we're here whenever you just need to get it out.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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February 20th, 2011, 08:09 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,732
I had problems with my baby too. I wanted him, my husband and I tried very hard to get pregnant, but I developed hypermesis gravidarum, very very very severe morning sickness. I was in the hospital a lot. At one point, I (briefly) thought about an abortion. A few weeks later, Ethan was gone. I blame myself still, but my therapist says it's normal.

It's okay how you feel.

Thank you Vicki for my awesome siggy!!

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February 20th, 2011, 09:45 PM
Posts: n/a
I am so very sorry for everything you have gone through. You are by no means a monster or a bad person and you definitely deserve support as you deal with all of this. I cannot begin to imagine the feelings you must be dealing with. Hugs to you.
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February 20th, 2011, 10:18 PM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 2,056
You are most definitely not a monster, the man who raped you is. Most women would have aborted that baby with a quickness, the fact that you didn't feel attached to her is normal, a lot of moms go through that and haven't dealt with near what you have. Counseling would definitely be a good idea, help you sort through everything. Hugs to you.

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February 24th, 2011, 10:37 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,710
Wow, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Your lack of attachment to your baby does not at all make you a monster and is 100% understandable given the circumstances. I'm sorry for the trauma you've experienced.
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