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He's all I think about...

Forum: Stillbirth


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March 23rd, 2011, 01:41 AM
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 8
I recently moved from indianapolis back to my home town in Michigan and I have gotten even more depressed over the last month. Ever since i've been back my life has gone up, I've gotten a better job, I recently bought a house, i'm getting caught up on my bills, and spending time with friends and family. BUT...I feel even more depressed then I ever have. I can't stop thinking about Gavyn. His ashes are next to my bed and every night before bed I will just sit and stare at them for hours without even realizing its like 4 in the morning. I go to work and stare at his picture all day, and then come home and just look at what would of been his room. I'm not with Gavyn's father anymore and i think that has played a major role too. I feel like I'm never going to find love again, and I'm never going to be able to have a family like i've always dreamed. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again because I can't stop thinking about the what if's. What if he was here, would we still be together? Would Gavyn hold our relationship steady? I miss my son and I just don't know what to do to pull myself up again.
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March 23rd, 2011, 07:52 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,612
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Sweetheart, everything is so very new....please be kinder to yourself!!!
It's been almost six years since I lost my Avery and two tattoos later, I still think of her every single day!!!

It's way to soon to try to go day by day. Start of second by second. Then you'll be up to minute by minute. Then the milestones start to hit...should have been EDD, anniversary of conception and that dreaded first angelversary (or birthday, whichever you wish to call it.)

You're doing an amazing job just getting out of bed each day. Give yourself credit in that!

I'm afraid you may be looking for your life to be normal. Unfortunately, now that you've lost a child, this is going to be part of your normal. There will be bad days with a few good ones thrown in. Then (I was going to say before you know it, but sometimes it seems to take FOREVER), there will be more good days than bad. You'll always have Gavyn days...always. But, my faith has me believing that 1000 years to me is over in the blink of an eye in Heaven...so my darling angels (I have three) are patiently (or in Maddie's case, not so patiently) waiting for me.

I think you're doing an amazingly good job for as new as you are to all this. And, a year from now, you'll be on here helping the new mothers because you've been there...just like the rest of us are and have.

We love you, girl, and want you to know that no matter what part of the world you're in, you're never alone!!!

And, for the record...I love his name! I have an unnatural affinity to names with Y...

Always with hugs!
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March 23rd, 2011, 08:58 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Beaverbank, Nova Scotia
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Dawna said it perfect!

Hang in there
Marsha's Girlfriend

My Kiddos
Chloe (14),
Benjamin (9)
Logan (6), Kaitlin (3)

εϊз Some People Dream of Angels But I Held One In My Arms εϊз
Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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March 23rd, 2011, 08:59 AM
Posts: n/a
I couldn't have said it any better than Dawna. Hugs honey. It takes lots of time and allowing yourself to grieve how you need to grieve and Gavyn will always be a part of your life and you will always miss him, but eventually you will be able to smile and be happy again.
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March 23rd, 2011, 09:18 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,585
I think that it's amazing that you have been able to buy a home and take on a move. I can barely make it out of bed most days. You have been through so much trauma, I can't imagine. I'm sure no long being with Gavyn's dad is a factor. Sometimes I think that the only person that understands what I'm going through is my DH, he was the only other person that held Carter, he misses him as much as I do. A break up with out the loss of a child is so difficult, but the two together is all the more devasting. Do you think that you may benefit from speaking to a counselor?

DD Brooklynn 8-4-01
DD Libby 6-18-04
DS Gavin 8-20-08
DS Carter born still 3-2-11 (20 weeks)
It's a GIRL!!! EDD 3-6-12

Make a pregnancy ticker
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March 23rd, 2011, 10:13 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,238
Dawna said it perfectly!

Thank you Katie (.:Shortcake:.) for my beautiful siggy!!

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March 23rd, 2011, 09:28 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I just want to add my I agree 100% with Dawna. It's so hard to believe that any happiness can happen afterward. But it can.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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March 27th, 2011, 08:31 PM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 2,056
*Hugs* Makenzie's 14th b-day is coming up and not one day passes that I don't think of her. Dawna said it all very well. I know most days in the beginning and for a few months I felt no purpose other than to sit in the dark and cry. We are here for you, you will find a way to be happy, it just takes time.

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