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Guilty :( (preg mentioned)

Forum: Stillbirth


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June 12th, 2011, 11:12 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
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I felt so guilty all week. Jason and I started our childbirth classes this past Tuesday and everyone there is in their first pregnancy, all due within about a month of us. We both just let it slide and everyone assumed it is our first pregnancy too and we didn't correct them. I feel like we are betraying Matthew, but we both also don't want to scare the heck out of these couples either. I have been good at answering the "is this your first?" question generally and I say no, we had a little boy who didn't make it through the pregnancy, or was stillborn, depending on who I am talking to. Ugh, this is just awful and I hate it! Sorry, rant over- pity party maybe not so much. I think ever since I got past Matthew's loss point, I have felt a little bit less stressed but then things happen to make it worse again. I can't wait until August 30th! Oh, and I totally lost it at DH's grandmother's funeral last week- they mentioned (by name) all of her great-grandchildren and didn't mention Matthew and I just burst out crying. I don't think anyone knew why- I told DH later, but asked him not to tell anyone else. I just hate that people don't acknowledge him, but then am I doing the same thing in my childbirth class? Any suggestions welcome!

Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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June 13th, 2011, 08:31 AM
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About 6 weeks after I lost Eli, I took a childbirth class for my doula training. At that time, Eli's loss was still new and when we went around the room and said how many kids we had and such I shared about Eli and I bawled. Afterwards I felt bad because I realized that I probably should not have shared that with a room full of expecting parents but they were all very kind about it. It's so hard to try to think of both your baby boy and the others around you. I think we all have had those moments when we haven't mentioned our babies and then regreted it later.
I'm so sorry that Matthew wasn't included in the list of DH's grandmother's great-grandchildren. That would have really upset me to.
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June 13th, 2011, 04:26 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,585
Don't feel badly, I think we often times omit information for the sake of others. Matthew knows that he is loved and missed. The funeral story brings tears to my eyes. It's only been 2 months since we had Carter, and the rest of the world acts like he never exisisted. It breaks my heart.

DD Brooklynn 8-4-01
DD Libby 6-18-04
DS Gavin 8-20-08
DS Carter born still 3-2-11 (20 weeks)
It's a GIRL!!! EDD 3-6-12

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June 14th, 2011, 07:55 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I hate being asked how many kids do you have!
I did a one day child birth class with Benjamin after I lost Rebecca because I wanted to get it "over with"


you are not betraying him - you are keeping his memory safe!
Marsha's Girlfriend

My Kiddos
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Rebecca Lee Stillborn 10-30-03
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June 14th, 2011, 02:14 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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Cora wasn't listed as one of Matt's grandfather's great-grandchildren either. It made me sad, but at funerals they usually talk about the deceased person in question being "survived by" said individuals. Even if they don't use the phrasing, they generally just list those that are alive.

It still hurts though.

And I hate the question too.
Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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June 14th, 2011, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy View Post

you are not betraying him - you are keeping his memory safe!
I love this way of thinking about it.
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June 14th, 2011, 10:29 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
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You're certainly not betraying him. I think it is good to be judicious about when to talk about Matthew and when not to. When asked questions like that, I sometimes mention Lucy and sometimes do not. It just depends on how I'm feeling and what seems appropriate for the circumstance.

and the funeral...I'm so sorry. I would feel hurt by that as well.
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June 15th, 2011, 08:13 PM
HopefulMommy81's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you, ladies! You always know the right thing to say- it is so wonderful to have ladies to have been through a similar experience.
Sharon- I am so sorry that Carter isn't being remembered by everyone in your life- that is the worst feeling in the world. Please know he will always be remembered here!

Annalise is hoping to be a big sister on June 28, 2014. Forever missing her big brother, Matthew, stillborn on July 1, 2010.
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June 22nd, 2011, 09:00 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,095
I don't always mention Eva and Declan either. It has made me feel guilty, but it is so much easier. If it is someone that is likely to be in my life for a while, I tell them. If they are just passing through, then they just don't need to know. I think it is OK to pick and choose who gets to 'know' your son, and that it doesn't mean you are excluding him or forgetting him. I am so sorry about the funeral. I agree with Brittanie, it is usually just the people that they are 'survived by', but some sort of mention would have been nice.

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