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Forum: Stillbirth


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  • 1 Post By Brittanie

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February 10th, 2012, 12:58 PM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3
We lost our daughter in Spetember. She was just shy of being considered stillborn. She had her cord wrapped around her neck. My husband and I received very little support and it has been very difficult. I am coming up on what would have been my due date and its heart breaking. Everyday I can't help but think how different things should be. The reason that I am posting though is to ask a specific question.

I very much want to have another child. I have had to give it alot of thought because I needed to make sure that I wasn't trying to replace our girl. I just very badly want this. My husband on the other hand does not feel the way I do. He has not outright said no but I think that's because he doesn't want to hurt me. We did not plan to get pregnant and he really sees no point in trying again. After we lost her he wanted to try again but now he says not now. I think he just doesn't want to deal with another child. Even though loosing our daughter hurt him very deeply he wasn't thrilled that we were having another child. I don't think he really understands how much this hurts me. I don't talk about this with him much at all because I don't want him to feel pressured. Has anyone here never gone on to have another child? How did it affect your marriage. How do you deal with it.

I am 37 and he is 41. I am not ok with waiting much longer. When I found out I was pregnant I was very nervous about my age , even though that has nothing to do with why we lost her.
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February 10th, 2012, 03:58 PM
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I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and that you have had so little support in your grieving process. I can't really help you because I have not been in your situation but I wanted to let you know that I'll be saying a prayer for you.
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February 11th, 2012, 07:29 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,095
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, and I am so sorry that you haven't received the support you need. It is a terrible thing to go through alone. I haven't been in your exact situation, so I don't really have any advice. I do not that sometimes it takes a little bit of time to be ready to try again, and that your husband may be in a different place from you emotionally. I would just try talking to him and tell him how much it hurts you. Be honest about your feelings and how important having another baby is to you and maybe he will see your side of things.

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February 11th, 2012, 12:56 PM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
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Im so sorry to have to welcome you here its with open arms thou hunny, im also very sorry for the loss of your precious dauhter. I hope you can work throu wether to have another baby with your husband x im claire co host of this board x

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February 11th, 2012, 04:31 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
I am very sorry for your loss, and that you didn't recieve much support... how terrible to have to go through the grief alone.

As for your husband, it's really hard sometimes because they often are on their own timeline in grieving than we are. I know there have been a lot of times when I wanted or needed to talk about something to help me heal, but my husband would get so choked up and upset he just couldn't talk about it. The decision to have another child after a loss can sometimes be a hard one, especially when both parents don't necessarily have the same opinion. I totally understand where you're at and wanting another one, and also not wanting to wait much longer. I think you really only have two choices... either you need to sit down with him and be completely honest and try get him to understand how important this is; or you can wait and hope that he moves through this phase and comes to a point of wanting another on his own. From what you've said though option #2 doesn't sound like it's really going to work. I'm sorry, I wish it were easier. He's probably not only feeling unsure about wanting another at all, but I know a lot of men deal with a huge amount of fear of a loss happening again, and worrying what that would do to his wife and family. So it's possible he's just really really scared and this is his way of trying to protect you.

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February 11th, 2012, 05:39 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
Nat said exactly what I was going to. Our loss was our first, so NOT trying again wasn't really an option, but my husband was so very afraid. It's not something he could fix or guarantee and it was really hard for him to feel so powerless. After all, the only way to guarantee you don't have another loss is to not get pregnant again. To embark on a new pregnancy is to give away all control.

I'm so sorry that you have to join us here.
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February 14th, 2012, 01:22 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,585
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. My DH was broken hearted after we lost our son, and in the days that followed he said that he did want to try again (Carter was a planned pregnancy), but when the 6 weeks were up, and we could start trying, he seemed non-commital. Once we talked it through, I found that was his way of protecting himself from the pain of losing another child. When we did get pregnant is surprisingly short amount of time, I had a placental tear, and bled until 16 weeks, if was so scary, but our little girl hung in there. This whole time my DH was so distant, I wanted to kill him, but I now see this is how he cooped. I hope your hubby comes around. I pray you can find some peace during this difficult time.

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February 17th, 2012, 10:58 AM
Ben,Logan&Kaitlin'sMommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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i third what nat & brit say

i have had three since my loss

i am sorry for your loss
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February 23rd, 2012, 08:29 PM
liza17's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: mn
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After I lost my boy at 37 weeks I wanted to get pregnant ASAP but my husband wanted to get a vasectomy. The first year after our loss the marraige just fell apart. I was thinking about divorce daily but the only reason I am holding on is because a loss takes about 2 years to get over. So Im giving my marriage another year to see if anything gets better.I realized that we are completly different people and in every single thing in life we are the exact opposites which just drives me crazy. To me it seems like my husband is doing everything against me because we never have the same interests. 6 months later I did get pregnant and did not tell my husband for 2wks because at the time I was sleeping on the couch so I told everyone but him which made him mad but for some reason I enjoyed upsetting him because he always made me upset with his drinking problem. So now I am 34 wks pregnant with my rainbow baby and it was a very depressing pregnancy because of my husband...he would not support me in any way except financially. What I truelly wanted is for him to stay SOBER just while Im pregnant so I would not stress but he said no to that because he wants to live his life the way he wants with alcohol/drugs. During my other pregnancys he stayed sober the whole time and I was very happy. His joke this time around is that I should call him after I have the baby and he will be at the bar drinking while Im in labor. Basically this man is completely heartless. I married him and now have to live with it depressed. Hopefully things change after the baby comes...

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February 29th, 2012, 10:50 AM
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Vancouver, Canada
Posts: 46
Hi sweetie:
I know that these words will not heal ur pain: but I am so sorry for the loss of ur little angel. I lost my baby when i was about four and a half months pregnant. My husband and I got no suuport, just like urself, and being in a Persian family, I was not really given the opportunity to grieve. As soon as I wanted to start to cry, my mom or mom in law would try to stop it ....I guess becuz they were so hurt themselves and they could not stand to see me cry. They would say stupid things like: it was meant to be....
Anyways, ever since then I had wanted to become prego and my husband was against it. I am 34 yrs old. I guess he was so hurt that he was just terrified of another miscarriage or something going wrong again, Instead he just gave up and wanted to be childless. I was not okay with that. We started to argue a lot and finally I was getting really upset cuz I am not getting younger here! So, I started to track my menstrual period to see when is the best time to to do the deed, and I noticed how everytime that I would tell him things like: lets go to bed early ....I am ovulating, we would somehow never end up having sex on those days. He would go out of his way to make it NOT happen. Finally, i started lying about it....if I was going to ovulate in three days, I would tell him that I was ovulating today, that way he would purposely fall asleep early so he would not get me pregnant, but instead he would have sex with me in three days! And BINGO! i DID IT. I know it was not honest of me, but today I am 6 months pregnant. I did let my husband know that I did lie about the ovulating days and he says that that is the best thing that I have ever done to him. Believe me when I tell u that he is a lot more happy about this pregnancy than I am, he is soooo excited. He comes home from work and talks to my belly for hours on end. He keeps telling me how excited he is and that this has been the moment he has been waiting for all his life.
I am thinking that ur husband has just had such a bad experience that he is terrified of trying again just in case something goes wrong again. I think that over time he will hopefully start trying again. However, the older that women get, the harder it will be to become prego, that is what my doc always says.
I wish u the best of luck and I know that one day u will us know that ur pregnant *** well.
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