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I am new and just want to tell my story of my angel

Forum: Stillbirth


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March 20th, 2012, 06:34 PM
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
I am new here i heard about this site from the women talking in a group that im in on facebook. My name is Anna and my Husband is Andy. We have been married for 8 years and we have 3 living children and 1 angel girl. my daughter just turned 7 and my middle son will be 6 in June and my youngest son will be 4 in July. Tensly (My Angel) due date was on Tobys birthday june the 9th of 2012, she was born sleeping March the 10 2012. We have been wanting another lil girl for over a year, i had my IUD taken out last March so we could try for another baby. We got Pregnant in September 2011. I took my first possitive preg test on October 1st. We were estatic and Happy and i couldnt wait to get big and feel my baby move, I always loved pregnancy i had 3 perfect pregnancies with my living children didnt even have morning sickness. we were jumping for Joy. Then on October 19th I started bleeding and that was serious for me I never bled with my other children. My husband took me to the hospital and they took me for a ultrasound and said they couldnt find a heartbeat. We were heartbroken and sad and angry, I couldnt understand why; we had finially gotten pregnant just for it to be taken away. i bled for 2 days then i stopped. I couldnt afford to go to the doctor for a check up visit so i just prayed. 2 weeks went by and i had a weird feeling so i took another preg test (and no me and andy had not done anything since b4 we were told we miscarried). well the test come back possitive and i was freaking out and i called the health dep and they told me not to worry i could show a possitive test for up to 8 weeks after a miscarriage. i felt a lil better i was still sad but i was able to still live my life and work. another couple weeks went by and i was still showing a possitive pregnancy test then on November 19th exactly 1 month after i was told i miscarried i wake up a little after midnight thinking i peed on myself and i got up went to the bathroom and i was half asleep and when i went back to my bed after i changed my clothes and when i got there i saw blood not just a wet spot. i changed the bed and got it cleaned up and put a pad on went to bed. the next day the bleeding slowed to spotting then by the afternoon i stopped. well i played it off that my body was just cleaning itself out from the miscarriage. the next day i didnt bleed at all and then the next i started again and it came in a sudden gush and later it slowed to spotting and stopped again. this happened every other day for the next 3 weeks.i took a preg test every week and i was still showing a possitive preg test. finially week 8 came and i waited a couple days and took the last test expecting to see a neg, I was wong it still showed a possitive. so then i went had the test done at the health dep and got the paper that said i was pregnant. i went and applied for insurance. that friday i wentt to urgent care cuz i was having pain in my ribs and i couldnt breathe and had been coughing bad for days. they wouldnt do x-rays cuz i had a positive preg test and they sent me to the ER. this was December 19th. i explained to the dr that saw me about the miscarriage and that me and andy have not done anything since b4 the miscarriage and i dnt knw why im still showing a positive test so b4 he could do the X-Ray he sent me for a ultrasound.

What I saw was a baby with a fast beating heartbeat at 155 per min. All I could do was praise God i couldnt belive it. my heart was full again and i couldnt be happier all except for my bad cough which turned out to be phnemonia. i was 15 weeks pregnant and so happy I felt like i was ontop of the world. I had stopped bleeding a week b4 and hadnt started back then 1 week later i started bleeding again in gushes and it would slow then gush and slow then gush for hours. I made the dr appt and when i went they did a ultrasound and what they found out that day scared me to death. She still had a heartbeat but they learned that i had Placenta Abruption. That is where my Placenta was detached from my uterus. I also had a 11cm by 8cm blood clot behind my placenta which they said was causing the bleeding. The dr wouldnt tell me if she would make it or not and all I wanted to hear was that she would. She was my MIRACLE baby after all. so I was sad again all i knew was I had to take it easy no lifting or strinious activity. 2 weeks later i woke up at 2;30 am and got up to pee and when i layed back down I got the worse pain i had ever felt in my life in my lower stomach, and i started bleeding in gushes. andy had to call 911 and i was taken to the ER to find that the baby was good other than she was in distress cuz i was hyperventilating. i was sent home that morning at 9 with pain meds and was told to stay in bed for couple days. i was still bleeding it would slow to spotting and then gush again it did that constantly now would never stop for more than 18 hrs. i was at the dr office every week and ultrasound every 2 weeks. it was 2 weeks after i was rushed to the hospital i was in my friends wedding and i danced a little bit i didnt move a lot but i was on my feet more all day that day. when we got home from the wedding i was sittin on my bed reading my Bible. and around 10;30ish all of a sudden my vision went blurry then black then back to blurry, then my whole body got hot and a numb tingling feeling went thru my whole body and i was goin to throw up i wobbled to the bathroom could barely stand i dry heaved 1 time and collasped on the floor beside the toilet and against my bath tub.my whole body was hot and numb tingle feeling and i went into a cold sweati couldnt see anything but grey blur and then the bleeding started and the pain was horrible worse than even b4. I started shaking like i was cold but i wasnt i was hot and andy helped me get to the bed and i curled into a ball. I told him to get a towel to put under me cuz i wa bleeding thru my pad and he did. the blood was steady gushing now and i couldnt talk i hurt so bad and shook uncontrolably. then i became unresponsive, when i woke up i was in the ambulance going to the hospital. well since I was 20 weeks they took me to the maternity ward instead of the ER. They called the dr and then they gave me pain meds and phenigrin for nasuea. and i passed out and slept till morning, after i was asleep they hooked me up to the monitors. When I woke up the dr came and did a ultrasound and the baby still had a heartbeat and again nothing they could do cuz i wasnt 24 weeks yet and the chances of the baby surviving was slim to none. so they sent me home i did follow up visits at the dr office and had another ultrasound that looked good. when i was one 24 weeks and 4 days i called my dr cuz the bleeding had been bad gushing i was averaging 14 to 18 pads a day and cramping was getting worse but not severe. he told me to come up to the hospital and get checked. I went and they hooked me up and started a IV and he came in and checked me and my cerviz was closed and there was still a heartbeat but becuz i was hours away from 24 weeks they sent me to forsyth medical center i was there for 5 days and went home. I was 25 weeks and 2 days when i went home. i saw the dr that thursday at 25 weeks and 5 days and everything was still the same i was still bleeding and we found out at the other hospital i had placenta abruption, placenta previa, her fluid was low but they didnt say by how much and the clot was still there but smaller. but when i went for my ultrasound that thursday she told me her fluid was half of what it should be and the slot went down to 3cm. Well naturally i was worried and scared but i went home and straight back to bed. The bleeding was constant now like a heavy period and i was already anemic. Well sunday at church my whole church prayed for me. we had my daughter 7th bday party just a little one i had to sit the whole time and the bleeding started gushing again. well i just went to bed i figured i had been on my feet to much. on monday i only felt her move 1 time and tuesday i didnt feel her moving at all. i called and was told to go to the hospital to check for the heartbeat. i went and they put me on the monitors and her heartbeat was lower than it normally was but they kept me for almost 2 hrs and her heartbeat got better so they sent me home. I went home and went to bed and i woke up that night bleeding again, it was alot but it wasnt the bright red it had been so i just cleaned up me and the bed and went back to sleep and stayed in bed all day on wed. I didnt go to the dr becuz i had a appt for the next day anyway and i just heard her heartbeat the day b4 but i still wasnt feeling her move. Thursday morning i called the dr to see if i could come in earlier than 1 pm cuz i havnt felt her move since monday but she had a heartbeat on tuesday. they told me to come on in and we did. That was the worst day of my life. we went in and he checked with the doppler and he checked and checked and couldnt find the heartbeat and every new place on my stomach he put the doppler my heart cracked a little bit more, then he sent me down the hall for a ultrasound and when i saw my baby girl as still as she was and her heart that silent stillness my heart shattered and i went numb and tears flowed out of my eyes i couldnt stop them and andy had to keep reminding me to breathe but i didnt want to i wanted my baby i wanted her to be ok to be alive and her heart to flutter like it was on tuesday. i felt so empty and angry at myself and at the dr and at god, and the sadnness and heartache...Words cant even describe the pain I felt. I went back to see the dr and he was talking but i couldnt hear him. andy was talking to him all i could do was sit there and see her body and heart so still. then the dr got my attention and he said to go home and get something worked out for my other children and i was to go back to the hospital that evening around supper time. i asked the words i didnt want to i asked him if he was going to do a c-section and he said no. i couldnt believe he was going to leave her in there like that then i asked why was i going to the hospital then and he told me to induce labor. I was in SHOCK. all i could say was ok. We left and i broke down and lost it i sobbed so hard i got sick I could not belive that i had to deliver my baby that wasnt going to cry , wasnt going to breathe, wasnt going to open her eyes and heart would never pump again. i hurt so bad all i wanted to do was die i didnt think i would survive the pain the heartache and sorrow. went to the hospital at 6 and they induced labor at 7:30 that evening. that was thursday March 8, 2012. i didnt start dialating til march 10 at 1pm. And that is when the pain started gettin bad and the bleeding they had ordered the blood for a blood transfusion for me. When i got to 5cm she was coming and i had to push her out and when I did I felt her bones break . I couldnt belive what i was doing and on top of that I broke her. I wanted to die I tried to tell them just let me die but i didnt have the strength to speak i had lost so much blood. My nurse delivered her at 10:06 pm and right when she was out the dr came in and all I could hear was the silence of no crying from my baby girl. everyone was so silent. Then the doctor wanted me to deliver the placenta and i tried for a while and it wouldnt come. Thats when he made the orders i was going to the OR to have a D&E. and andy asked me if I wanted to hold her and all i can do was look at him and cry and he brought her to me and he put her in my arms. and i looked down at her and i sobbed and told her how much i love her and how much i wanted to go with her and i told her over and over i was sorry and i love her. she layed there silent and unmoving and broken. You could see that her bones were broke and i sobbed . then the dr and anisteisoligst came in and said it was time to go and andy took her from my arms. I dnt remember going to the or but i do remember being moved off my bed on the the or bed and trying to lay down but they wouldnt let me and then the needle in my back and i jerked and then the needle again and then they layed me down. and i was out cold and didnt wake up til morning. there r no words that can describe the emotional pain and damage of loosing ur baby. its been a little over a week and i cant sleep, I cant eat, i shake alot, i cry all the time and the sadness is overwhelming. he put me on zoloft and ambien and it dnt work i still cant sleep or eat and i dnt feel any better. we had her memoral last thurday and that was even harder. The past 2 day i have been getting dizzy and hot and feeling like im going to pass out i cant breathe i get weak and cant even stand or hardly hold my head up. I am forever changed and my angel in in Heaven and i miss her so much and i Love her more than my own life. and i cant help but to think if i had just gone on back to forsyth hospital that wed morning after that big bleed mayb she would be alive. Mommy Loves you Tensly Neveah you were my MIRACLE baby now ur my GUARDIAN ANGEL. I am so sorry I love you so much and we will Never forget you. I LOVE YOU.
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March 22nd, 2012, 05:55 PM
BlessednHighlyFavored's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 7,296
I am so sorry for your loss.

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March 26th, 2012, 09:19 AM
Posts: n/a
I am so sorry. We're here for you when you need to cry, vent, scream, etc.
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March 26th, 2012, 07:10 PM
Momma to 2 and one angel
Join Date: May 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 692
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I myself am only 7 weeks out from loss and I understand your pain. Eventually and I mean eventually there are ok days not good days i have yet to have a good day i have ok days but then there are still hard days and very hard days. Cry if you have too you are not on some set timeline grieve the loss of your beautiful little girl Tensly Neveah. My prayers and thoughts are with you at this time of unbearable pain.

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March 27th, 2012, 11:02 PM
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
Thank you ladies for taking the time to read my story. This has been the hardest thing i have ever gone thru in my life and my heart breaks everyday and for all the ladies who have suffered and still suffering from the loss of their precious babies. Thank u again for listening and my prayers are with us all.
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March 28th, 2012, 08:30 PM
liz bevan's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 998
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I am so sorry for your loss.
Your story breaks my heart and I pray that God will minister to you during this very difficult time.
This road is a very difficult one and I wish no one else had to travel down this path.

Thank you so much for the awesome siggie Claire
Our joys will be greater
Our love will be deeper
Our lives will be fuller
Because we shared your moment
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