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Just lettings feelings out

Forum: Stillbirth


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June 1st, 2015, 08:59 AM
mocolo's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 126
This is me just getting my overwhelming feelings out. Maybe no one will read it, but that's okay. Maybe, hopefully, it will make me feel better. I can't talk to friends and family about it, they don't want to hear about it. My husband doesn't like to talk about it and right now I'm feeling overwhelmed. This isn't organized at all, just spilling what is on my mind.

I've been going to a support group for 4 years. I started going a couple months after I lost my first son, Nathaniel. Since going to the group I have lost 3 girls, Hadley and twins Emmaline and Adeliade. I hated going back after those loses. You would think it would be the best place to be. You are surrounded by people who have been in your shoes. They are the few people in your life who actually understand. But I felt like I was being judged and that they were tired of hearing about it. Like I was putting myself in that position, to lose babies. Who knows if I was actually being judged - probably not - but that is what I felt like.

The other day I had someone say to me "Well at least you lost them early and not a full term still birth. That would be so much harder." It took every ounce of self control not to punch her in the face. I have never experienced that, and I hope I don't have to. But having second trimester loses is not easy. I carried those babies, I loved those babies, I expected to bring them home, family and friends were excited, I imagined life with them, I got their rooms ready, I went through labour and delivered them, I saw them, I held them, I wrapped them up and I kissed them goodbye. What part of that is easy?

I hate that I never know how to word things. Everyday I have a moment while talking to someone or typing online that I have to try and figure out how to word things. People ask how many kids I have, that's a fairly easy one. Sometimes I say five with two on the way. Sometimes I say five but that we lost 4. I don't usually get into it, I assume people think there was an accident or something. On the rare occassion, I say 1 because for a moment I forget. And I hate that moment. I never want them to be forgotten. Because if things had gone right, they would be here. But at the same time, if things would have gone right they might not have ever been created. And that is just as sad as them not being here.

Today I started looking at paint colours to paint the nursery. We have dozens of different shades of pinks and purples. Friends and family always question me on why I'm getting the nursery ready. My husband doesn't even want me to get it ready. I need to. I need to believe these girls are coming home and have hope. They deserve hope. We have lived in the same house since we lost our first baby. And we have always used the same room for the nursery. It has been painted many times. Green, lilac, light pink and grey, now blue. Every time we paint it's bittersweat. We are painting over another babies room. It's like we are eraesing them and trying to replace them. We always leave a 12" strip unpainted to remember those babies. I hope we never move, it would be a hard thing to leave behind. Take the wall with us?

I found out the twins are girls. It wasn't a happy moment, it was pretty bitter actually. I always wanted girls. But when you've lost so many, the joy is ripped away. I wanted to a do gender reveal for family and friends, but no one is into it. I got the same response from everyone, which was to wait until 28 weeks to have a shower and or reveal. We already have everything we could possibly need, but I want these girls to be celebrated. If others don't feel like they will make it, maybe they won't. I wish I had more support.

We thankfully got to bring our second son home with us. He is a happy, healthy 7 month old. I treasure every moment with him. Even though he still wakes every 2-3 hours at night to nurse, gets frustrated easily (he gets that from me), gets into everything and cries when anyone else holds him, I am so thankful. But he is my only baby that made it. And sometimes I feel like it was a fluke. Maybe I wasn't made for motherhood.

I hate that I didn't bond with my son immediately. When he was born there was no emotions. My labour and delivery was perfect, exactly as planned. I was very lucky. I remember thinking "I could leave the hospital right now without him and I wouldn't care". I don't know why I thought that, or how. Maybe it's because I am so use to not bring the babies home or not having them be alive. Other than the day he was born and I needed tests, I've never been away from him. I'm too scared to leave him with someone because something might happen and I don't trust other people with him. I hope this time goes different.

I am officially on bedrest. I will be until at least 26 weeks. That gives me a lot of time to think, and that's not a good thing. It also makes me feel like a horrible mother. I am not able to do as much with Emmett. I feel like I am putting other babies, who might not even make it, ahead of him. Like I am selfish for making him suffer. On top of that, I have doctor appointments with my high risk OB every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I have to make a 1.5 hour commute every time, longer if there is traffic. My son comes with us becuase he won't let me leave him. So that's just another thing I am putting him through, he doesn't like the car. My OB wanted to keep me in the hospital in Toronto, but I can't leave my son 1.5 hours away.

After these babies - whether they make it or not - we are done. I can't take anymore, my husband can't, and our marriage can't. Who would have thought that when we said "for better or worse" that worse would mean losing 4, possibly 6, babies. We have thought about adoption. Our family is not complete. Instead of going through this over and over again, we could give children a good home and a life that they might not otherwise have. But it isn't set in stone yet, maybe we will be completely done.

I hate that after 4 years I still have trouble dealing with this and haven't found a method. I hope that after this pregnancy I can find some sort of peace and in a way, put this behind me. I will never forget my babies, but I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. I miss who I use to be, but I probably won't ever be that person again.
Thank you *kiliki* for my awesome signature!
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June 3rd, 2015, 08:39 AM
rachelc0's Avatar 2 sons, 5 angel babies
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 957
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June 16th, 2015, 02:46 PM
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: SC
Posts: 1
I just wanted to say that my cousin tried to comfort me with "at least you didn't carry until full term" and I understand that rage. It's like she belittled my feelings and doubted the extent of my love in one statement.

I can't imagine going through this more than once. I just had my first loss and I feel like I'm all alone, but I put on a mask and now I've made it so it's not safe for me to slip because everyone will be worried.

I want to try again even though this is still fresh and it makes me feel like I'm doing it wrong. Like I'm wrong to want a baby to hold even though everyone is telling me to find something else do do like this is a hobby.

I flip between flat, angry, and sad. I can't even imagine the amount of strength you have but I'm praying for more for you. I know those words may not offer any comfort, but still I will.
Mommy to an Angel.
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October 26th, 2016, 10:07 PM
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 5
I'm blown away by how much you've had to endure I am so sorry. You posted this last year so I hope you and the girls are doing ok now. I had a therapist and she really helped. (I had a stillbirth in feb 2016). Maybe it's something you can consider? Most friends and family won't get it and my hubby didn't either so professional help really did help me a lot.
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