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I Don't Want to be Here

Forum: Stillbirth


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March 29th, 2007, 11:13 PM
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 27
..but I am glad this forum is here. I am inconsolable right now. I feel so scared. I feel so alone. My daughter Emilee was born sleeping on March 9, 2007. Just three weeks ago, it feels like yesterday!! I can't stop thinking about her, she consumes my every thought, she is even in my dreams. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle it. I am overwhelemed by grief and heartbreak. I was 33 weeks along, and one night she just stopped moving. I went to the ER and the nurses put the fetal dopplar on me. They tried to convince me for TWO HOURS that my daughter was alive and well. They were picking up MY heartbeat, racing, of course, at 112-120! I knew it was mine, and not my baby's. I told them over and over to get me an ultrasound, and to get me a doctor. One of the nurses even said, "I know for a fact that baby is fine in there. I am chasing her around with this doppler! how do you not feel her moving!!?" I didn't. Finally, after two hours of this, they get me an ultrasound. I will never, ever, forget the silence in that room. And the feeling in my heart when they told me she was gone. I felt everything I knew, and everything I loved come crashing down on me. I thought it was a bad dream. My SO and I went home, and tried to get a grasp on things. It was horrorific. The next day I went to L&D to start an induction. I was in labor for 3 long days. On March 9, Emilee was born. She was sleeping, and she was beautiful. I never knew a mother's love, I never understood, until I laid eyes on her. She is my pride and joy. But I miss her so much, I don't know what to do with myself. I am in such shock. Still. Still I am in shock! Maybe even denial. Ladies, I am so glad to have this place. I have gone back and read pages ad pages of your posts, and I feel so connected to you, and I don't even know you. When I read your stories of how you lost your babies, I feel less alone in the world...

<span style="font-family:Impact">Stephanie</span>
Mommy to Emilee, my baby girl, born sleeping on March 9, 2007. 4 lbs, 14 oz, 19 inches long.

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March 30th, 2007, 10:05 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 1,612
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I feel your pain and it's been a year and a half for me.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Emilee (and cute name, too!)

I won't try to "fix" anything for you,
please just know I'm here if you need a shoulder!

Many, many hugs!
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March 30th, 2007, 01:18 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Littleton, CO
Posts: 43,573
I am so sorry you had to find your way here. I wish we never had to ever again.

I can honestly say I've been there, and I've felt all that. 3 weeks is so short a time. Please don't think you should have in any way started to "get over" it in only 3 weeks. It'll be 11 months for me on Monday. While I am doing better, I still have my in consolable days.

Come here when you need someone to cry with you. Come here when you feel like everything is falling apart. We understand. We've been there. We'll help you survive.

Thanks to babydoll213 for the siggy! My kids' blog Cora's blog

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March 30th, 2007, 03:02 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
Wow, my heart just broke for you and I am crying for you. I am so very sorry. I just hate to check in this forum and find someone new. I too was so grateful to find JM. There is so much comfort and hope here and all with women who have been there. I am glad you found JM but sorry you had to under these circumstances. Everyone is here for you and there are plenty of resources for you if you want. The nurses in the hosp. gave me some books (they were small) that really helped me. I hope you got some of those. Also, I never stepped foot in a funeral home until I had to arrange things for Macy, but I could not believe how sweet and sensitive and helpful they were there. I recommend finding people who can help you and listen to you. It will help so much. If you have a church or even if you don't, people there are tremendous help as well. Please don't be afraid to ask for help. It is CRAZY how many women came forward after my loss to tell be about theirs. You just never know how much this affects lives of those around you. Neighbors, friends, relatives that you never even knew had losses, did.

Don't be a stranger. We are all here. Some of us don't always post, but we are on other boards too so you can PM us too.
Hang in there and HUGS and prayers going out to you.
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March 31st, 2007, 03:25 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: huddersfield, england
Posts: 33,629
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hunnie a very warm but sad welcome to this forum im so very sorry for your loss i know all too well the pain and emence shock you are in i lost my little girl jessica we are here when you need us love claire x x x

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March 31st, 2007, 07:41 PM
Mom2LinaNangels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,170
I am so very sorry. My angel, Jordyn, was stillborn at 38 weeks over 4 years ago. 3 weeks is such a short time. I swear time makes things better. You will never forget her, but you will be able to breathe again. My heart goes out to you and your family. Sorry to welcome you here.

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March 31st, 2007, 11:09 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Northern Idaho
Posts: 683
Hi Stephanie,

so sorry you had to join us. Its been about 5 weeks since my son was stillborn at 20 weeks. It does get easier - the first few weeks was especially hard with the hormones raging.

Big hugs

I also have a 15 year old daughter who is no longer driving me nuts since she is driving

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April 1st, 2007, 09:43 PM
MyAngelHayden's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: The Jersey Shore
Posts: 358
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I am so sorry for your loss! We all know the pain you describe. It's something I wish no one had to ever endure but it's unfortunate that we had to be the ones that felt this heartache. I lost my daughter, Hayden in October at 23 weeks. I miss her dearly. I hope you find the comfort and support you need here. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to message me. Take Care. (((HUGS)))

<div align="center"><span style="font-family:Georgia">Heather(21) ~ Mommy to Angel Hayden</span>

*Hayden's Memorial Myspace*

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April 2nd, 2007, 10:55 AM
lizzy27's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 27,575
Oh hun, I'm so so sorry for your loss, and I'm so sorry you have need to come here. Let us know if there's anything at all we can do.

I just want to echo what the other girls said about not having expectations for your grief. It's okay if you are still in shock and denial. Just work your way through the feelings, and be patient with the process. It does get easier. I'm not sure how! But it does.


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April 2nd, 2007, 04:24 PM
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 27
Thank you all for your support. I am glad we have a place to vent, and talk, and help eachother get through this. I know it is going to be a long ride, I am looking forward to the day when I can talk about Emilee freely without launching into a crying mess.
<span style="font-family:Impact">Stephanie</span>
Mommy to Emilee, my baby girl, born sleeping on March 9, 2007. 4 lbs, 14 oz, 19 inches long.

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