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Always on my mind..

Forum: Stillbirth


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April 30th, 2007, 08:18 AM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 653
I have days like today. It is early enough my kids are sleeping and I have the quiet time. I am thinking about my baby and the 2 year mark is approaching in a month or so.
I am sitting here thinking of the baby, remembering about the day I found out, the what if's, the emptiness I still feel especially about the not knowing what went wrong, or the guilt I felt. Even the guilt others made me feel. The anger I still have with loved ones around me. The things they will never understand.
I do not share my feelings well, I did not want or need a shoulder to cry on, I would rather close a door behind me. So when the baby died she (mil) said some very hurtful things to me and I have not been able to forgive.
This past week my oldest had his 3rd birthday, we shared that day with his grandparents, (not my parents his fathers) My MIL had a few things to talk about with me and although I had some moments I felt blood rushing to my face, for the most part it was a good talk. One of her topics was the time she got to spend weekends with her grandmother. I know when my fiance was young he spent the weekends with his. So I think she was getting at wanting my kids for the weekend in a very polite manner.
I cannot do this, they are still very young, 3 yrs and 7 months.

Ok so I have a hard time explaining even to my fiance I cannot leave my kids, what if something happened, can't anyone see this? They use to babysit my oldest before the baby died and after. It gets worse and worse. What if something happens, seriously happens and I am not there to hold my babies during their last breaths. What if I can't be there at their final moments. I know they are going to get older and I cannot not be there every minute, but for right now NO. I have to be at an arms lenth. I cannot let anyone drive my kids around but me and the father.
I don't understand why they seem as though they can't do anything when I am around. I am not bossy if they want to get them something it an ok. Even as small as a drink. I give them space.

So yesterday we spent the day together and they had my son in their basket (giving them space), they let him out to wander, he was walking away from them and the grandfather was completely cluesless, I yelled from 4 isles back!!
You can't let a child wander off? You cannot let MY CHILD wander off. The grandfather was pissed because I made a note of staying close by. My son is 3 he should be in a carrage or holding your hand. You turn your back hes gone? His granfather is 300lbs, diabetic, 60% blind, what is going to do if my boy takes off, or someone snatches him? Its not even just them, I was shopping with my mother and I was holding his hand, she wanted to hold onto him. She decides to let go and he takes off. What the **** is wrong with these people?

I am not ready, yet not one of them seems to understand some of my panic they just think I am #####.
Its not like my kids are 16 and 14 and I'm on their heals. They are 3 and 7 months, don't turn your back on them.
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April 30th, 2007, 08:55 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
June, I totally can relate to this but in some manner I was total opposite.

I still hurt so much sometimes for my baby. I still have days that I sit and cry and ask God why my little boy?!?!?!?! And me I would love to have someone to talk to about him about my loss but I have no one here who wants to give a shoulder. I get the look of "You're not over it yet?" or some just flat out tell me "lets change the subject I don't feel like crying" Ok but maybe I do!!!!! Maybe that would help me feel a little better!!!! But I can't change anyone

I so do not blame you about the In laws thing, there would be no way I could trust someone in that state to care for my children!!!!

I hope things get better!!!
Raquel Mom to The "A" Team: Anthony, almost 10yrs old (OMG double digits!!!!), Alexis, 8, Aiden, 5
Missing our Angel: Aries Isaiah 09/06/05 Carried you for only 24wks1d but in Mommy's heart FOREVER

To my Aries:
The time we had with you was brief,
We had to say good-bye,
Now angels kiss your little face,
And sing your lullaby.

Someday again, we'll be with you,
To cherish all those things,
Until that day it helps to know,
You're safe in angels wings.

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April 30th, 2007, 10:39 AM
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 27

I understand where you are coming from. I can't get Emilee off my mind. She is there 24/7. Always on my mind, always!! I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't think of my baby. I doubt it, and that is okay with me. With your problem with the in laws, I don't have any other kids..so maybe I have no place to talk, but I do have some feelings about the situation. I know already, that when I do go on and have more children...I know I am going to be overbearing and overprotective. I wonder sometimes how I will ever let them off to school or off to grandma and grandpas by themselves. The thought of something happening to my children paralyzes me with fear. But, June...you cannot live your life in fear. You cannot live your life with a paranoia that something awful could happen to your children any time they are out of your sight. This is just my opinion, please don't take it the wrong way. Your fear is keeping the kids from experiencing many things. Weekends with grandma and grandpa, shopping trips...you say it won't be like this forever, but it will if you don't try to ease up now. Soon they will be going to school, driving a car, a whole new set of worries. I don't know, I am just blabbing...but I DO understand why you are feeling this way. It is only natural, it's motherly instinct.
<span style="font-family:Impact">Stephanie</span>
Mommy to Emilee, my baby girl, born sleeping on March 9, 2007. 4 lbs, 14 oz, 19 inches long.

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April 30th, 2007, 02:34 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
I hear what all of you are saying and I know exactly how you feel. I don't even think it has to do with losing a baby. I would be this way anyway.
Luckily for me, my step mother is crazy over protective and I love it. She is a person I trust with my son implicitly. If my dad is with my son, I know she is on him like glue as well. And, my son does not spend the night w/out us, ever. Well, when I lost Macy, he stayed with my niece and I do trust her too but that was an emergency.
Anyone else? Nope. Sorry. He is my boy and I am the one who will watch him and protect him and take care of him.
I don't blame you one bit and you have every right not to let your babies stay overnight at someone's house and it doesn't matter who they are. You are the mommy and they are young. I totally understand and you have my support. I don't know what me or my DH will do on ds's 1st day of kindergarten... I am going to be a mess...
I wish you could share your fears like you did in this post to them, maybe that would help I don't know, but it went straight to my heart and emotions reading what you wrote. It was sweet, and sincere and heartfelt and filled with love and emotion. Maybe you can write MIL a letter or something. You have my support.
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April 30th, 2007, 08:30 PM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 653
It is very hard to explain all of this pain.
I want my children to have moments and memories, and happiness with there grandparents. Especially since the grandfather is sick. And its not only them. I don't want to live in fear, but if you want me to trust you with my children than prove to me that you know I am acting out of love and concern. Not that I am trying to be controlling.

I read here, many losses. I see on the news many losses and for many reasons. Just now a missing 3 year old, turned their heads for one minute and she has been missing 3 days. I don't want them mad at me, I just want understanding.
My own Mother did the same thing at a mall. We went shopping I was holding my sons hand and he was being difficult. She said let me take him so you can look. Not even two seconds later she let him go and I was chasing after him. Many times he turned and I didn't know which way to go. Today is so different preditors are out there watching you make a mistake. No one is perfect, but I cannot lose another child.

I don't hate these people I just want them to understand, not one has had the unfortunate consequence of losing their child.

I have thought of writing a letter, the only thing that prevents me is them taking it the wrong way. I really do want them to understand that it has nothing to do with control. It is messy, the father divored and had messy custody issues. I can't seem to get them to understand this isn't a custody battle it is my children. It is my duty as a mother to make sure these "people" my children grow up with happiness, not to have their innocence taken from them.

Its very complicated I am sorry, just know I love them. Thats all I want the inlaws to understand also.

Thank for your advice, It really does help when you can help me. It helps when a parent loses their child and no matter what age or for what reason it will always feel like it was your fault for not protecting them.
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