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Forum: Stillbirth


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July 17th, 2007, 04:49 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,583
I know I haven't been posting much on any of the boards for a while. We are coming closer to my baby's 2year Angelversary and its already starting to hit I thought by now the pain wouldn't be so much but some days it hurts as much as the day I lost him. And it doesn't help much when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of our tunnel of having another baby I have finally gotten AF back from getting the Depo back in Nov BUT we found out that after DH's vasectomy reversal that only one side took and that realistically that IVF is our only chance of having another baby, and that financially isn't even an option for us. This is so hard for me especially to deal with. And I feel like such a horrible person towards my DH. We have been having other problems in our marriage but I think that I am adding to them by pushing him away from me. Sometimes I catch myself with these horrible thoughts of not wanting him if he can't give me what I want. And that's not fair to him because it was me that wanted the vasectomy in the first place. I don't have anyone around me that I can talk to that will understand. Right now I have 3 girls at work pregnant 2 due in Oct and one in Nov and I hate the mood I get into when people gush over them or they are sharing things about their pregnancy, its not their fault about anything and I'm not REALLY mad AT anyone I am just pi$$ed at my situation and they are just easy targets for my hate and anger.

I don't know where I'm going with this post I just figuered that you ladies would be the ones who would understand me the most.
Raquel Mom to The "A" Team: Anthony, almost 10yrs old (OMG double digits!!!!), Alexis, 8, Aiden, 5
Missing our Angel: Aries Isaiah 09/06/05 Carried you for only 24wks1d but in Mommy's heart FOREVER

To my Aries:
The time we had with you was brief,
We had to say good-bye,
Now angels kiss your little face,
And sing your lullaby.

Someday again, we'll be with you,
To cherish all those things,
Until that day it helps to know,
You're safe in angels wings.

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July 28th, 2007, 06:59 AM
Prudence's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 653
I thought the same thing. I thought 2 years later wouldn't feel so bad. I was a mess. After everything had happened I remember wanting to take my son and run away. It just seemed like that would solve everything. And even though I am not in same same postion as you, and I was able to have another, I still dream of "what if I had run away with my son" I always think that I would be happier. But I love my family and I love my daughter and there isn't anything in the world I wouldn't give up for them. I stayed because not only did I lose a child but the love of my life did also. And if I couldn't cope, how easy was I going to be making it for him if I left and took his son with me.

I guess I am trying to say is I remind myself all the time to focus on what I have. But there are those days you revert back to the pain and running away is all that seems will help. There is a certain sadness that seems comforting.

I really hope I am not out of line and you can forgive me. I was wondering if my going to see a theropist could help. The loss is hard enough without one day losing your entire family. I am sure you married a good man, but don't shut him out. I know its not intentional. Maybe a theropist could help you turn your anger back into sorrow.
I wish you all the best and if there is anyone you ever need to hit, that can be me. Try and stay strong Raquel.
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