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My Story, Grace's Story (new here)

Forum: Loss of a Child


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July 13th, 2009, 12:46 PM
Jillinebinny's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Washington
Posts: 220
So i'm new here. A while back i think i posted about our daughter having cysts, and that we would loose her, but i haven't been back since. This is the story of our little girl Grace. The pregnancy, the labor, the birth, everything. It's very long and emotional. This is me, pouring out my soul.

On November 11th, 2008 I lay in bed fighting with myself. Should I test or should I wait? I want to test, but I’m scared to test. I want to test. Jay doesn’t want me to test yet. I want to test. I finally rolled out of bed and took a test. I held my breath as the dye worked its way across the screen. Slowly a + sign showed up in the window. My jaw dropped to the floor, was I really seeing this or was I dreaming. I hurried into the bedroom and quickly told Jay that he was going to be a Daddy. After responding that I wasn’t supposed to test yet (he was still a little groggy from being woken up), he was very excited. We were going to be parents. The next months were filled with much excitement and planning. Our first child, how exciting! I was busy collecting baby clothes and making diapers and slings. I was researching birth options and trying to find a midwife to do a home birth. Everything went just as it should (although I could have lived without the 3.5 months of morning sickness), although I couldn’t help but worry.
On March 2nd Jay and i went to the hospital to receive our first ultrasound of our baby. We were overly excited to finally be able to see our little baby and find out if we were having a boy or a girl. I was almost bubbling over with excitement. As the ultrasound progressed though i noticed that the technician was concerned and that you could not see the baby very well on the screen. The nurse said i had low fluids and she went to talk to the radiologist. After about 15 minutes she came back in with him and he said that my fluid was very low, that i had oligohydramnios. He then said the words that i dreaded hearing… i was now high risk. I was just in a daze, it took everything i had to try and hold back the tears but i didn't do a very good job, I just started to sob. Something was wrong with me and my baby and we didn't know what. The radiologists said that we would have to go see a perinatologist to find out what was going on with our baby.
My doctor said that we would be seeing the perinatologist very soon, that we should have expected a call from them that day to set up an appointment. So Jay and i went home to wait. We called our family who were anxiously waiting to hear the good news from the ultrasound. But all we had was bad news and tears. And worse yet we didn't receive a call from the perinatologist office for a couple days and our appointment wouldn’t be until a WEEK after our ultrasound. That was the hardest week of my life, waiting, unknowing, hoping and praying everything would be ok but knowing i was helpless to do anything for my baby.
Finally Jay and I were able to go see the perinatologist. On March 10th we went in for our appointment. After waiting over 2 hours in the waiting room we were finally able to go back and have our ultrasound. By the end of our appointment we learned that our worst fears were confirmed, our baby had cysts in both of their kidneys and that this was fatal, our baby was not going to live. My heart broke. My baby, my little baby was not going to live. Jay and I decided to continue with the pregnancy, to give our child the best chance at life as we could. I think it’s what any parent would want to do for their child, even though they know that the chances of them surviving are almost nothing.
And so the next weeks we prepared ourselves for the loss of our baby. But we also tried the best we could to enjoy the pregnancy. There were the first movements, both felt by me (on Feb 14th, 09) and Jay (on April 4th, 09), there was the first stretch mark (on April 8th, 09) which was then followed by many many others. We watched my belly grow as our little baby inside grew. There were so many bitter sweet moments. We were excited to see the pregnancy progress, to watch our baby grow but we knew that each day that passed would bring us closer to the day our baby would pass away.
As May approached we prepared for graduation and moving. It was a very overwhelming time for us. There was the stress of trying to find a new place to live, Jay was trying to drop a class, finish finals and find a new job, I was trying to find a new doctor, one that would be kind and understanding and also willing to do a vaginal breech birth. There was just so much going on in our lives.
On May 8th I was trying to get things done, but having horrible back pain. It was so bad that I called my mother to ask her what she thought it was. She said it could be back labor and to go to the hospital to be checked out. So around 3:00pm I went into the hospital and got hooked up to a monitor to see if I was having any contractions. I was so scared and overwhelmed. I knew that I could go into labor at any point with this pregnancy (because there was no fluid around the baby there was a very high chance of cord compression which would lead to a stillbirth) but I wasn’t ready yet, it was too soon. As I lay in the bed I just cried because I was so afraid. Not only was I scared at the thought of possibly being in labor but I was also all alone. Jay was taking a final and couldn’t come to the hospital with me and the nurses just left me alone in the room. After a while the nurse came back into the room and said that I wasn’t having any contractions, this was such a relief to me. My doctor came in and told me that I must have just “over done” packing and strained my back and that I was having muscle spasms. He said he’d prescribe me a relaxer and told me to take it easy. He then told me he had a date with his wife in 15 minutes and had to go. So I left my room, picked up my prescription and went home. I was still in so much pain.
That evening Jay’s parents came over (they were in town because Jay was graduating the next day) and spent some time with us. For a while I felt a little better but then the pain came back worse then ever. We tried to go to bed but by 11pm I was in tears. We finally took me to the ER and I got admitted around 12. The pain was just overwhelming to the point where I even threw up. The ER doctor said it sounded like I had kidney stones and scheduled an ultrasound and CAT scan on my kidney. When they were in the middle of the ultrasound they finally gave me some pain medication. Before my pain was probably a 9-10 (especially with the technician pushing down on my kidney for the ultrasound) but as soon as that medication hit my IV it went down to maybe a 2, it was SO nice. After the ultrasound I got my scan and then we played the waiting game. Finally around 2:30 they said that I did not have kidney stones, but that my kidney was enlarged and enflamed. They said that this was because my growing uterus was putting pressure on the tube that runs between my bladder and kidney and that urine was backing up into my kidney. They then said they were going to keep me overnight for observation and transfer me to the Birth Center. After hooking me up to double check to make sure I wasn’t having contractions I was left to sleep. Sadly it wasn’t very restful because they came in every couple of hours to check my blood pressure and other vitals.
When 8am rolled around my OB doctor came in to see me. All that I was thinking was “muscle spasms my butt!”. He said that what was happening wouldn’t cause damage to my kidney, and that sometimes this could resolve itself but more than likely the only way to fix this, and have the pain go away is to induce and have the baby. He then pressured us to induce that weekend. I told him that I did not want to induce because Jay was graduating in a few hours and we were moving in a couple of days. We could wait a few days to have the baby. I told him as long as I had something to handle the pain we wanted to wait until we were moved and with family again to have our baby.
And so I was discharged and given some pain medication. We went home and I had to lay on the couch while I watched my husband walk away for his college graduation and I had to sit and watch it online. Not fair. I had looked forward to watching him graduate from college; he had worked so hard for it. The next day, May 10th was Mother’s Day, what a bitter sweet day. On one hand I was so excited to be a mother and that soon I’d be seeing my baby. But then on the other hand I knew that I was a special mother, a different mother, my baby was special and they weren’t going to be with me in this life. Jay and I got ready to go to church and my father had gotten me a corsage to wear to church, it made me so happy to be acknowledged as a mother. I am a mother.
The next day (May 11th, 2009) was moving day. We got packed, cleaned and headed out. I was a little sad to leave our apartment. I had never really liked our apartment, but it was mine and Jay’s first home, a place where we had grown together and started a family and now we were leaving. But we were moving into a new apartment, a new home, a new start. I was excited.
In the next weeks we unpacked, got settled in and had my OB appointment with my new doctor. At that appointment we set up my induction date for May 18th. When we left the appointment though we remembered that May 19th is our wedding anniversary and that we could not have our baby on our anniversary, or any time around it. So we called and rescheduled for May 25th. May 25th 2009 I was going to be induced and soon after give birth to our child, our baby, our angel.
On May 24th, the day before the induction Jay and I made a cast of my pregnant belly. I wanted anything I could have that would remind me that at one point I had in fact been pregnant, I had carried and given birth to a child, I was a mother. It turned out beautiful, just perfect. The rest of the day and the next was spent packing and preparing for the hospital. We wanted to make sure we had everything to make our baby’s birth as perfect as possible. I wrote a detailed birth plan, we gathered items such as pictures, flowers, pillow, blankets and other things to make my room seem more like home, and we packed all the things we had prepared for the baby. This was it, we were going to have our baby.
The evening of the 25th of May at 5pm we checked into the hospital to have our baby. This was wrong, this wasn’t how I was supposed to be having my baby, I was scared and I was nervous. We got settled in my room and waited for the doctors orders. It was during this time that Jay and I felt our baby move for the last time and my sister Krista was able to feel them move for the first time. Finally at about 7:30pm the doctor came in and did a quick ultrasound to check the baby’s position (to be sure the baby was still breech and not transverse) and sure enough, they were still in the Frank Breech position (feet up by their head). The doctor then started the induction with cervidil and laminaria to soften and dilate my cervix (I was not effaced or dilated at all so we were starting from zero but I was only 32 weeks).
The rest of the night we just relaxed as we played the waiting game.
The next morning around 8am or so the doctor came in and removed the laminaria and started me on cytotec to start contractions (I was at a ½ cm at this point). Around 10am is when I started to have contractions. Ouch. They came suddenly and with much force. I was having contractions every 1-5 minutes and in the beginning they were lasting about 30-45 seconds. What helped me the most in the beginning was straddling Jay while he sat on the couch and having someone put counter pressure on my back. It felt so good to be able to cuddle and hold on to Jay. Around 11am is when Arah showed up. I met Arah through the “Forget Me Not” program at the hospital where our specialist was. About 19 months ago she lost a daughter who also had cysts in her kidneys. She came down to give us support during the birth and it helped so much to have her there.
As the contractions became more intense I started to use a birthing ball to try and stay in a squatting position during the contractions. Around 6 or so I tried the tub for the first time. It felt really nice to be in the water, but the tub was SO tiny! All I could do was lay there, I couldn’t move around, curl in a ball or even have Jay in the tub with me. I didn’t stay in there long. So all day I was having contraction after contraction after contraction. But every time they checked me I was only 1cm dilated although I was effacing more as time went on. But my doctor was starting to sound irritated that I wasn’t progressing “well” and that this was taking so long. He kept pressuring pitocin trying to “really” get labor going. This made me so frustrated. Here I was trying as hard as I could to have a baby and my doctor was telling me I wasn’t doing a good job. I was starting to loose hope, but thankfully I had Krista, my friend Arah and Jay to help me and keep me positive and going strong. Later in the evening (maybe around 9?) I tried the tub again. This time we put candles (LED) around the tub, turned off the lights, turned on soothing music and everyone left me and Jay alone. This time the water really didn’t help much. I was able to relax but the contractions were getting worse. Then they suddenly started to kinda slack off and get better to the point where I almost fell asleep in the tub.
So I got out and tried to lay in bed and nap for a bit (I was so exhausted by this point). It was around this time that the doctor came in (I think it was maybe 11). He was afraid that the cytotec was wearing off and that they needed to give me more. I kept saying that all I wanted to do was rest at that point and if my labor had slowed down, I think it’s because my body needed a break and that I should take advantage at that. I practically had to beg to not be given more cytotec and instead have a nap. But eventually the doctor left and let me be. Not even 45 minutes later my contractions came back in high gear. These were very hard for me to get through (the pain level was probably a 7.5). All my family had left and Jay was trying to get some sleep so I was pretty much on my own to breathe and get through them. But I wasn’t doing a very good job, I feel bad for whoever’s room was next to mine. After about an hour Krista called and asked if I needed her; I sobbed yes! So she came back to the hospital to help me progress with the labor. After these contractions had been machine gunning me for about 2 hours or so I asked my nurse if she would please check me and see if I had progressed and further. She checked and I was still at 1cm but I was about 80% effaced.
This is where I started to loose hope. I was still having contractions ever 1-3 minutes and they were getting worse and worse as time progressed and I had already been having them for about 20-21 hours straight. I was exhausted, the pain was getting unbearable and I was no where near giving birth. So I talked with Krista and my nurse about pain medication and options. After she fully went over the pros and cons I decided to get an epidural. Of course I didn’t want to use any sort of pain medication but if I didn’t, I would be exhausted by the next day and I wouldn’t of been able to enjoy my birth or my time with my baby. And this also was not a normal labor, this was an induced labor with induced contractions that my body was not yet ready to handle. And on top of that I was dealing with emotional pain too. And so, I decided to get an epidural.
So the nurse got me all prepped and ready to go and the anesthesiologist came in (around 2:45am) to give the epidural. I was so nervous, I do not like needles very much and I have seen videos of women getting epidurals and I knew the needle was very large. I also knew that there were serious side effects that could happen from having an epidural and this scared me. There was also the fact that I had to sit perfectly still, even while having a contraction, ouch! So with Krista’s support (both emotional and physical) I got ready (Jay had his back turned, he couldn’t watch). His first attempt in getting the needle in didn’t work well (I started having weird tingles down my back) so he had to take out the needle and reinsert it in a different location. He finally got it in place and I instantly felt relief, I even almost fell asleep before they could get the catheter in! And so, around 3:00am I went to bed.
The next morning at 8am the doctor came in to check and see how I had progressed. I was barely over 1cm he said. He then proceeded to break my membranes (after which he started a saline amnio infusion to cushion the baby) and started pitocin. After he left I had breakfast and then napped. The whole day was pretty much a blur, lots of napping to catch up on sleep. I do remember sometime around 10 or 11 that I talked to the nurse about the epidural because both my legs were like dead logs (the night before I was still able to move them somewhat). They tried cutting my dose back some to see if that would help. It was also around this time I was checked and at about 1.5cm. When 3pm rolled around the nurse checked me and said I was barely 3cm dilated. I was actually starting to feel some of the contractions at this point because my epidural had become lopsided. My entire left side was very numb up to right under my breasts and my right side was only partly numb, I could still move my leg and feel the contractions (It wasn’t full feeling though). The anesthesiologist came in and pulled the epidural out part way to see if that would help at all. At this point my sisters and Arah decided to go and have some lunch since things were taking their time, when everyone left, I took another nap.
Around 4:45 I woke up because the contractions had changed, they felt different. The nurse came in and I told her the contractions were more intense and that they felt different. She then checked me and told me I was having the baby. I asked her how dilated I was and she said that my cervix was gone and the baby was coming. I then turned to Jay and told him to get my family here FAST. He went out to the waiting room to tell our parents and have them call my sisters and Arah (he told my parents that my cervix was missing) and then he came back into the room and called Nicole, our photographer. Nicole had told us to call her when I was 5-6cm dilated so she could get to the hospital in time, but we skipped that part I guess. When Jay called she was in line paying for groceries but she said she would be right over.
The next minutes were full of action. The nurse and doctor were prepping for the birth, people were trickling in and out of the room, my mother was taking pictures and I was freaking out a bit on the inside. I was about to have a baby! As I was having contraction I was trying to breath through them so my sisters, Arah and Nicole could get to the hospital in time. My doctor said that I could bare down with the contractions and start to push but I told him no because the baby was coming on their own, that I could feel them coming down the birth canal. About 5:05 my sisters and everyone came in. Krista came up and pulled back the blanket to “get a look at me” and lo and behold, there was the baby’s bottom! My baby was crowing and they hadn’t had a single push from me to help them along (I told the doctor I didn’t need to push!). So now everyone really got into place. Mom had the video camera (we got permission to video tape because the doctor said there was “no liability issues”), Arah and Nicole were taking pictures, Corinna (my sister) was holding the mirror, Jay was in position to help birth the baby and Krista were giving me support.
Around 5:10 is when I really started to “birth” the baby. We were all waiting for me to have a contraction (because I had been able to feel them, because of the lopsided epidural) but the doctor said that I “could probably just start pushing”. So I did, slowly the baby’s bum came out. It was really hard for me to see anything at this point because both the doctors hands and Jay’s hands were in the way. But what happened was I pushed and the doctor pulled (with much much force) on the baby (from their hips and first, then their shoulders) to get them out. He didn’t allow the legs to birth themselves, he pulled them out before they were ready (which could have broken them). When we got to the head the doctor really started pulling then, Jay said he was afraid their head was going to pop off! Krista asked if my legs should be pulled back and the doctor said yes (up to this point my knees were just apart, but my legs were not pulled back or in stirrups), boy did that help things. This whole time I had not had a single contraction, the doctor was just having me push and he was pulling on the baby. He slipped his finger in their mouth and pulled and FINALLY the head came out. I immediately started to cry.
The first remark was from Krista, “YOUR BABY HAS HAIR!!!!”. It made everyone smile. Boy was she right. They placed the baby on my stomach and examined her. The first remark the doctor made was “the right knee does not bend…” he then said that he did think that it was a girl, stillborn. Stillborn…my baby was gone. The moment I had been looking forward to, hoped and prayed for had not come, I wasn’t able to hold my baby while she was alive…my heart was broken. But I was right, it was a girl, and her name was Grace Capri. The doctor then clamped the cord and Jay cut it and they then laid her more on my chest. As I stroked her I couldn’t believe that this was my child, that she belonged to me. It felt so unreal. I had just given birth to her, but I didn’t feel like I was a mother, like this was my child. But she was so beautiful, so perfect.
I cried while stroking her hand when suddenly she gasped for a breath! “OH! Was that a breath?” I asked, but the doctor didn’t say anything. He reached in and pinched her cord to check for a heartbeat for about 15 seconds. After he was done she took another gasp. I asked “is that normal? The gasping? Is that normal?” The doctor said that it was agonal gasping and that it was just a reflex, that it’s the muscles still trying to work, that she was not alive. So Jay and I just admired our baby, trying to take her all in, but it didn’t feel right, I felt like she was trying to breath, but I wanted to trust the doctor. After watching the video over we noticed that she gasped for breath about 6-8 times. The first was about 10 seconds after the cord was clamped and the last was perhaps 7-10 minutes after the cord was cut.
After her birth our family slowly came in to see her. Everyone got a chance to hold her and they all loved her so much. There was so much love in the room. And I felt so proud. That was my baby, my little girl (although she looked more like Jay, especially with all that hair!!!). After we all had a chance to hold and admire her we took molds of her feet, hands and face and then took hand and foot prints. Jay and I then bathed her. My left leg still felt like a dead log so they brought a basin of water to the bed. Jay held Grace while I sponged her off. Boy was she hard to get clean. She was covered in hair (she still had her lanugo) and so everything stuck to it, she also had lots of extra skin that made it hard to clean. After her bath we brushed her hair and got her ready for pictures. She looked so beautiful.
We took pictures of her and with her from about 6pm to 2am. I knew they were going to turn out beautifully (and they did). Around 2am everyone left us alone for the night. That is also when I finally got enough feeling back in my left leg to get out of bed! So I went to the bathroom, got cleaned up and then Jay and I just spent some time together with Grace. While I was getting ready for bed Jay sat with Grace in the rocking chair and listened to some music with her. Jay loves music, it’s such a big part of his life. They listened to ‘Mae: The Everglow” together and Jay sang to her. When the CD was through I was so exhausted, I wanted to stay up all night with Grace and Jay because I knew we’d be rushed in the morning, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. So, we prepared Grace’s bed, put on Grace’s lullaby (Special To Me by Rachel Coleman) and rocked and sang her to sleep. We then tucked her in for the night (I wanted her to sleep in bed with me but I knew I was too exhausted to be aware of her presence and I was afraid of hurting her so we put her in the basinet) and we all went to sleep (Grace slept in-between Jay and i).
I woke up at 6am the next morning, went to the bathroom and then brought Grace into bed with me while I dozed. At 8am the doctor came in with the nurse and said that they needed to get Grace to autopsy as soon as they could because the longer we waited the more her tissues would deteriorate and then they might not be able to do all the proper tests on her to find out what went wrong. I told them we needed a little more time with her, he permitted but still wanted us to hurry. Jay and I took some time to take some more pictures of her, we just couldn’t get enough of her and we knew we never would. We called my parents and asked them to come in for moral support as we prepared to say goodbye. After we called them the Neonatologist came in to look at Grace. He took some X-rays of her legs and after looking at her he said that he believed that she was indeed a female. Then a nurse came in with a little dress that we could dress Grace in so that we could take her onsie home. The rest of the morning is a blur. I know Jay’s parents came in and so did his Grandma and Grandpa (his dad’s parents) who had driven all the way from Idaho to see her. Then the nurse came in to give me my discharge instructions.
Finally the moment came to dress Grace, swaddle her, kiss her one last time, tell her we loved her and then hand her to the nurse. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it is to hand your little baby over to someone else and watch them walk away with her, not knowing when you will see her again. I just held onto Jay and cried and cried and cried. My baby, they took my baby! Why can’t we keep her, why can’t she stay with us, why did she have to go? Leaving the hospital just felt so wrong, and yet right at the same time. I wanted to go home, but to go home meant to leave my daughter behind. Before Jay and I left we stopped into the gift shop to buy Grace a teddy bear. After looking for a while we finally found one that was just the right size for Grace, a sweet little white one that was about 3 inches long. I held onto it tight as we left the hospital.
After dropping our things at home we drove over to the cemetery to start burial plans. We picked a plot and date for her service. After the cemetery we went and picked out flowers for her casket spray. After much deciding I came up with a beautiful little spray. It would have lime green pompom chrysanthemums, lime green spider chrysanthemums, bells of Ireland, white locksupr, white and light pink dragon snaps, hot pink carnations and hot pink baby roses. Just perfect. When we finally got home it seemed so unreal. What was I supposed to be doing? Just carry on with my life? Just start over? How was I going to get through this, how would I survive? That night Jay and I just lay in bed and mourned the loss of our little girl, our Grace.
The next day (Friday) we went to the funeral home and made final arrangements for her service. Once all the paperwork was signed they brought Grace to us and we were able to see and hold her again. How my face lit up when I saw her again! My little girl, my Grace. After about 45 minutes we were ready to go. This time it wasn’t as hard to say goodbye. We handed her to the director; who said we could come back any time before the service to see her again, if we needed; and then went home.
Saturday was filled with lots of plans and visiting with family so we didn’t go back to the funeral home until Sunday. Jay and I got ready to make it a special visit. We brought books to read and music to play and a kit to take impressions of her hands and feet. When we got to the home I scooped her up and held her close in my arms, she was still so perfect, my little girl. We looked out the window across the cemetery and pond as we held her. We explained everything we saw, the clouds, the flowers, the trees the swans. As we held her we had her songs playing in the background, sometimes we sang to her. I read her Chrysanthemum and Jay read her Scuffy the Tugboat which was the book he read to her while I was pregnant. It was such a good visit. We didn’t feel rushed or pressured in any way. We felt like we were in control, that we could make whatever we want happen. When we were ready we had Jay’s brother Dustan come to see her (he hadn’t been at the hospital) and also 3 of my great aunts. In all we spent about 4 and ½ hours with her, just loving her and being a good mommy and daddy. I was finally starting to feel like a mother.
Tuesday came (June 2nd), the day of her service. Jay and I woke up and made sure we had everything ready. We got dressed and headed over to the funeral home around 9am. We arrived shortly after 9 and got Grace dressed in her diaper i made her, the beautiful gown that my mother made her, and the tiny booties Jay’s mother made her and her hair band. She looked perfect, our little angel. We then got pictures with her and the family and then blessed her.
We then played her her lullaby one last time ("Special to Me”) while I held her and cried and then placed her in the casket. My father and my uncle made if for her, it was so beautiful! It was made from purple heart wood and had maple accents and the interior was a beautiful satin. They did such a wonderful job on it. We then placed all her things around her (shells from the ocean, a heart shaped rock, CDs with her songs, some of my grandpa’s agates, a G pin from my mother, her blanket I made with a Mickey Mouse patch, a college pin from Dustan, a pair of shoes for Kayla, a hair bow from Bren and Rebekah, a stuffed giraffe Krista made, a Mickey Mouse doll from Jay’s parents, a stuffed dolphin from Anna, her teddy bear, Go Dog Go from Heidi, a picture of me and Jay while I was pregnant, a letter from Cody and Hannah and letters from me and Jay) and said goodbye. It was so hard to give her that one last kiss and tell her i love her.
The service itself was perfect (other than it was windy, but Jay said that was the Angels). It was just nice and simple. We had her casket on a little table with 6 pictures of Grace (2 large and 4 smaller) and then flowers were placed all around. The spray with her casket was so perfect, it looked wonderful. My sister's sister-in-law worked at the flower shop and she took 3 of the spider chrysanthemums and arranged them in the shape of Minny ears with little pink rose buds as a "bow", too cute. Below are the stories/poems that were read and the songs that were played in the order they were done.
First "Our Story" was read. Jay wrote "Chapter One" while we were dating (i always asked him for stories about us) and we had it placed in our wedding announcement. Jay thought it was only fitting to write a "Chapter Two" to "Our Story".

Our Story: Chapter One
One day I was working at Hallmark when this girl came in. She had the biggest, most beautiful smile I had ever and will ever see. I was having a hard time paying attention to what was being said, even her name. I was trying not to stare, or at least get caught, but this pretty girl and her smile was all I was focused on. We talked and hung out a few times; then we went on a date swinging and ice skating. Best date ever!!! We continued dating and having fun but then we had to leave for school; she went to Idaho, and I stayed in Washington. Life was hard without her and I started making plans to ask her to marry me. I visited her at school and I asked her to marry me and she said, "YES!" So now we are getting married and we're going to be together forever. It's pretty much the best thing ever. I love her.

Our Story: Chapter Two
Grace Capri
Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined having a daughter as beautiful as her. She weighed 2lbs 14oz and was 16 inches long and blessed us with her angelic beauty on May 27th 2009 at 5:17pm. I couldn't believe how much hair she had, I'm pretty sure that her heart and courage explained the 2lbs, which means the remaining 14oz had to be hair. She was only with her mommy and daddy a short while but our love for her will only continue to increase over time. I helped bathe her, dress her, put her little booties on. I sang my favorite songs, read to her, and tucked her into bed. I held her close, kissed her, told her how much I love her, told her she was beautiful. I did everything little girls want their daddies to do. That little angel is now in heaven with loved ones and her Heavenly Father, but her daddy (and mommy) miss her and love her so much. I am so proud of you Grace, I love you.

Song: Gracie by Ben Folds
YouTube - gracie - ben folds!

Poem: Untitled
Once upon a special day....
In heaven up above....
The tiniest of souls sat at God's feet...
Surrounded by his love...
The time was coming ...very soon...
God said ..."Do not be scared"...
Your family awaits your arrival...
Now let us get prepared..
And so ...God looked upon these souls...
In mute consideration...
He knew the life each one would live...
He weighed each situation...
The souls chatted amongst themselves...
And wondered who they'd be...
They knew the day grew closer...soon...
They'd meet their family.
"How would you like to change the world?"
God asked each soul in fun...
"The chance to make a difference..."
is held by only one.
I'm going to make the world laugh...
One soul said with a smile...
For laughter heals a broken heart...
And helps us through each trail...
Then take with you the brightest smile...
And share your laughter well...
The soul thanked God immensely ...
And down to earth he fell.
"And I'll remind the world to sing...
A sweet little soul told the Lord...
I have the gift of a beautiful voice...
I can hit every note...every chord.
You'll have the gift of music then...
A voice ...lovely and strong...
Share your gift with others...
And let them hear your song.
I will show compassion...
The next little soul raised his hand...
Some people only need a friend...
Someone to understand.
Compassion is a good thing...
God said with much delight...
To you... I will give mercy...
You'll perceive wrong from right.
And so each soul ... shared every thought...
Their plans, their hopes, their dreams...
As God explained that life...it is ...
Much harder than it seems.
And as each soul began to leave...
In a scurry of laughter and fun...
Heaven became quiet...
Left...was only one.
Come sit with me my little child...
God said with just a sigh...
Do you know how many you will touch...
In a world left wondering why?
From the moment your life begins...
You... will know strife...
But you'll teach those who know you...
To cherish the small things in life.
And some may only know you....
Through a simple photograph...
They'll never hold you in their arms...
Or memorize your laugh...
Some may only know you...
through the words they read each day...
But you'll do something wonderful...
You'll make them stop to pray.
The tiniest soul... raised up her head up...
To touch God's firm, strong hand...
Father... I am ready for...
The life... that you have planned.
And I will do the best I can...
Without a word or deed...
For you Lord...are the planter...
And I will be your seed.
She could already hear many praying...
And although they had not seen her face...
They were praying for her safe arrival...
They were asking for mercy and grace.
What talent do I leave with Lord?
What gift do you impart?
All that you will need, God said..
I've placed within your heart.
And so God kissed this tiny child...
Knowing all that she would be...
And whispered as he watched her go...
You'll teach them...to see me.
-Stephanie Husted, Mother to Braeden (HLHS)

Song: "You'll be in My Heart" (movie version) by Phil Collins
YouTube - You'll be in my heart - Tarzan

Poem: "God, Take This Child"
by Nancy Scott
Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.
We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.
We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.
It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.
God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.
God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can she suffer any harm.
Bless her always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through.

Song: "Smallest Wingless" by Craig Cardiff
(Song is on his myspace player)
Craig Cardiff on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Downloads

It was such a beautiful service. I felt so numb during the whole thing, I just didn’t know what to feel anymore. When the last song was played though the tears started to fall, I just couldn’t stop them. When the service was over Jay and I collected flowers from her spray that will be dried and then placed in wax to make a candle, but it will have a light in it so it will last forever. We then went to her the last time and said goodbye and then drove away. By this point I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I don’t know if I was just numb, or if I was at peace but it felt good to not be overwhelmed.
Every day is hard without her. We’re trying to carry on, but we miss her so much. I can’t even describe what it is like to loose a child. You just won’t understand until you actually go through it. We'll miss our little Grace so much but we know that she will always be with us in our hearts and we'll be with her again one day soon.
Because the doctor said that Grace was stillbirth we cannot have a birth certificate. Without the birth certificate we cannot record her name in the records of our church. We all feel that she was alive for about 10 minutes after her birth. We've tried to talk with the doctor but he will not change his mind. So, on July 27th we have an appointment to speak with the Director of Obstetrics at the hospital to talk about the matter. We are also going to talk about how our birth was handled and how the doctor was not respectful of me or our wishes or my daughters life. We are hoping some good will come of the meeting.
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July 14th, 2009, 08:42 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9,769
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Grace. And I'm so sorry for how you were treated. You are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need to talk we're here for you
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July 14th, 2009, 08:54 PM
Jillinebinny's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Washington
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by *~Lissa~* View Post
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Grace. And I'm so sorry for how you were treated. You are in my thoughts and prayers and if you need to talk we're here for you
Thank You

My husband says your icon in your signature is the best thing ever since the 11 point turn and awkward class
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July 15th, 2009, 10:39 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7,742
I am lurking here, but I want to tell you 'thank you' for sharing your story and it doing so well. I am so teribly sorry for loss of your sweet Grace. I will pray for comfort for you and Jay, as well as, the rest of your family.

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July 16th, 2009, 06:00 AM
Drakesmommy's Avatar My rainbow Twins are here
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Location: Georgia
Posts: 631
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I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Grace and also sorry for the way that they treated you. If you ever need anything we are always here for you whether you need to cry, vent or just need a shoulder. The ladies here are amazing.

Thank you Jaidynsmum for my adorable siggy.

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July 16th, 2009, 08:24 AM
Jillinebinny's Avatar Veteran
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Location: Washington
Posts: 220
Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean so much to me.
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July 17th, 2009, 12:21 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Rhode Island
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Sorry for taking so long to get to this. I have been preoccupied with my daughters six month anniversary.

Your story is beautiful. I am so glad you made her time so special. I am very sorry for your loss. Welcome to the forum.
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July 17th, 2009, 12:27 PM
Jillinebinny's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Washington
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by Delekatala View Post
Sorry for taking so long to get to this. I have been preoccupied with my daughters six month anniversary.

Your story is beautiful. I am so glad you made her time so special. I am very sorry for your loss. Welcome to the forum.
Thank you Your daughter was beautiful!
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August 26th, 2009, 03:00 PM
..Michelle..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 1,299
I'm so sorry to get to this so late. I've been kind of avoiding this board because my 1 year Angelversary for Roman was July. Your story was so detailed, I wish I could remember every bit of what happened with Roman, Brad (DH) and I.
It sounds like a perfect time you spent with your angel and God Bless you and your husband, Jay.

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August 29th, 2009, 06:56 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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Location: huddersfield, england
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im so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter

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August 29th, 2009, 09:56 AM
Jillinebinny's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Washington
Posts: 220
Originally Posted by ..Michelle.. View Post
I'm so sorry to get to this so late. I've been kind of avoiding this board because my 1 year Angelversary for Roman was July. Your story was so detailed, I wish I could remember every bit of what happened with Roman, Brad (DH) and I.
It sounds like a perfect time you spent with your angel and God Bless you and your husband, Jay.
I'm sorry for your loss It just breaks my heart each time i hear of a mother who has had to go through this....it's just awful. Thank you for your kind words I was determined to write our story, before the details got fuzzy and i'm so thankful that we did. It's never to late for you to write yours
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August 29th, 2009, 10:01 AM
Jillinebinny's Avatar Veteran
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Originally Posted by claire1979 View Post
im so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter
Thank You
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September 16th, 2009, 10:24 PM
Jodi Dawn's Avatar Host of the Jan-July 05 P
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I lurk here also to show my support. I am very sorry for the loss of your baby girl. Thank you for sharing your story. It was very heart touching. I could picture the dress, diaper and flowers in my head. I bet she looked beautiful. I too am sorry with the way the doctor treated you. I hope that things with the hospital get figured out.
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September 20th, 2009, 12:45 PM
justjaQ's Avatar Platinum Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Sterling Heights, MI
Posts: 19,640
i am so sorry that you lost your sweet daughter grace. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
msjaQ- 28, pantheist AP detroit mama to:
timothy michael, august 31, 2003, 12:02pm, 8 lb. 4 oz., 21"- 38 wks.
melissa may, april 7, 2006, 1:31pm, 7 lb. 10.5 oz., 19.5"- 36.5 wks
nicholas michael, january 31, 2010, 5:12pm, 5 lb. 11 oz., 18.25"- 37.1 wks
damon michael, january 21, 2012, 1:31am, 6 lb. 14 oz., 20", 38 wks
rainbow baby left me at 6-1/2 weeks on 09.08.12~ never forgotten, sweet child

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September 20th, 2009, 03:41 PM
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. We lost our daughter Faith in january 2009 at 36 weeks. Like your daughter, Faith had problem's with her kidneys, she didnt have them. She lived for about 30 minutes, she never cried but we could see her mouth move as she was trying to breathe. She weighed 5 lbs and 9 oz. and was 19 inches long. We took so many pictures too.I understand how you dont really feel like a mom. I know I am one but sometimes i feel like its a lie. Thank you for sharing Grace's life with us. If you ever wanna talk my email is Chamberlain18 at ymail . com sorry it wont let me post a link...

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November 10th, 2009, 08:48 AM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 10,571
As I read your story, I could not help to just hysterically start bawling.
It is so sad to me that things like this have to happen to us.
It is beyond mortifying. It is unfair.
I think you are amazing. How strong you are. It takes a strong, strong person to go through something like this & overcome it.
Women like you make me proud to be a female.
I am so, so sorry for your drastic loss. You will be in my prayers & in my heart. Gracie, too. I know she is looking down from heaven & watching over you & your husband. She is with Jesus.
I know you never quite heal from the loss of a baby, but it will subside. I hope you get there fast.
Take Care!
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