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the story of my loss "baby Aj"

Forum: Loss of a Child


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April 13th, 2010, 03:39 PM
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
it all started on the 3rd of November 2005, i was sat on my couch reading one of my weekly magazines that i always buy lol when all of a sudden i was wet so i got up and went upstairs to the loo and stayed there and tried working out why i couldn't stop peeing !!! it wasn't until my mum said you know what Laura i think your waters have gone so we went the hospital had a load of tests then waited an hour for them to tell me id weed myself so me being me i went home by this time its 2:30 am (the 4th).
the following day i took it easy and stayed in or should i say close to home felt fine and well apart from my braxton hicks !!
bonfire night the 5Th of November i woke up to a bunged up nose and sniffles so i stayed in bed until my phone rang it was the hospital demanding i go into hospital for some medication so i goes in with hubby and parents and after they signed me to a bed and put on the machine i realised i needed the loo so they begrudgingly let me go the loo and my plug had gone i told the midwife/consultant who then realised i was in labour 10 weeks too early they ex-amend me and said i was 7 and a half centermeters dilated so it was a c section as the baby was in distress
then i was told i had my son and that he was fine and to my horror they came and told me at 3 in the morning he weren't doing well and to rest
the following morning i went to see Aj and he was swollen and rigid he was having a fit it was then they told me that he weren't going to make it because he had 3 bleeds to the brain and fits and blood poisoning septicaemia ect ect and that's when they advised me to call close family to say our good byes which we all did
and to this day i still blame the hospital for his death am i wrong to think this ?????
maybe not but i don't know so im more scared with this pregnancy now so now i would like to say thank you for reading my story luv Laura xx xx
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April 13th, 2010, 05:58 PM
MellieB's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Melbourne, Aust.
Posts: 64,110
I'm Mellie, mama to Jasmine -3.5 year, Lucinda - 6 months, and Zachary who we lost when he was 4 months old die to complications of his congenital heart defects.

I think when we loose a child we do try and find someone to blame as part of the grieving processes while we look for the answer to the "Why?" question. I know both my husband and I looked to blame people too. We blamed his surgeon, the hospital where he had his ops, even the dr he was with the night he died. It wasn't really until we spoke to Zac's cardiologist that we realised that there was no one to blame and sometimes things happen that are out of our control. It doesn't make it any easier but at least we can start to let go of some of those feelings. I still partly blame myself as I was the one pregnant with him. I grew him, his hear defect was formed while he grew in my body.

I take it you are pregnant again? Its normal to be extra cautious with a following pregnancy. I had terrible panic attacks while pregnant with Lucinda. Even though I had a complication free pregnancy and was told she was healthy it was hard for me to focus on that and instead I focused on the "what if's". Have you got anyone you can talk to? My hospital had a pregnancy loss co-ordinator even though she was useless. However, I also had another councillor through a child loss organisation who ran a group for those pregnant after loosing an infant. It helped to be around people who were going through the same things I was.

Thanks to Claire1979 for the amazing siggy.

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Our Angel Baby on Facebook

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April 15th, 2010, 05:06 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9,769
hello and I'm sorry for your loss. As Mellie said it's very common to blame the hospitals and drs when our babies pass away.

Was your baby premature? If so then it is possible he was stable and then suddenly took a turn for the worse. That is very common in the nicu
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April 25th, 2010, 11:27 AM
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 13
this is my angel little aj xxx

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May 4th, 2010, 07:32 AM
Join Date: May 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 6
I am so sorry for your loss, I am trying to cope with a loss myself, I just had a baby boy on April 14th of this year and he passed away 11 hours after birth, I had the perfect pregnancy, he was full term weight was perfect. I am waiting on the autopsy results but, I feel it was my fault. I wander ever day what did I do wrong, could I have made a mistake and ate something to hurt him? did I accidentally sleep on my back one night ? and I am hoping and praying that coming on this site will help me a little bit to get through my anger, my blame, my grief.
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May 4th, 2010, 09:17 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9,769
laura AJ was BEAUTIFUL!!! What a breathtaking photo!

swilcox- it wasn't your fault at all sweetheart. Sleeping on your back wouldn't do it at all hun. I slept on my back for all my children's pregnancies. Because it's the only way I COULD sleep.

I have a friend who lost her son to SIDS at 2 days old. And she too blamed herself but it's in NO WAY your fault dear! Not at all *gentle hugs*
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May 6th, 2010, 11:40 AM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 3,628
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AJ is gorgeous! I lost my daughter in the NICU at 16 days old. She was doing great, and then just turned for the worst. I know how hard it is thinking the what ifs, and whys. Unfortunately Preemies are just very sick babies and there is nothing we can do about it. I hate that, and its totally unfair. You have every right to be angry and to be scared about a new pregnancy. Just take it a day at a time.
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