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Forum: Loss of a Child


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February 22nd, 2011, 01:03 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2,239
Hi. I have not lost my child yet, but my baby (due June 1) is very unlikely to survive after birth. He has severe skeletal dysplasia (dwarfism), and it is not expected that his chest will grow enough to allow his lungs to develop enough to support life, even with a respirator. His dwarfism is much more severe than those who survive and who you might think of as "little people."

I don't want to be disrespectful and join this group too early, but I don't know where else to go. I have been fairly active in my DDC, but the closer everyone gets to having their babies, the harder it is to participate.

The reason I felt compelled to come today is because I am feeling slightly judged by my MIL for the way I am handling this.

I have always wondered how anyone can be okay after losing a child. It was just unfathomable to me, and my worst fear. It's hard to believe I am actually facing that right now.

However, as it all sinks in and becomes reality, it doesn't become less sad, but I find that I just have to keep on living anyway, you know? What are my options? I could just stop functioning and not take care of my responsibilities. I could stop finding joy in the things that make me happy. But what good would that do any of us? I am terribly sad about this, but what else do I do besides try to keep going?

I mention this because today I posted a link on Facebook to a concert that I want to go to, after my baby's due date. My MIL now seems very concerned about it, as if I am in denial or something. She's telling me, as if we haven't considered it, that we are going to need to buy a casket and a burial plot, and that someone should have gently broken that to us by now... as if those kinds of things were not even on our radar. She also said, "You're still going to give him a name, aren't you?" As if wanting to go to a concert meant that all of this is really no big deal or something, and like we had just forgotten about him and moved on. I know she doesn't mean to be hurtful, but I resent a little that I feel like I have to justify the way I am dealing with all of this, on top of dealing with all of this.

I guess I just wanted to talk to someone who has been through it. I hope I am not premature in posting here.
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February 22nd, 2011, 01:29 PM
MellieB's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Melbourne, Aust.
Posts: 64,110
Many :hugs:. I was in a similar position as you are. My son was very ill even before birth and his survival was never a guarantee. My last few weeks of pregnancy were terrible. I barely got out of bed and when I did I didn't even get dressed most days. I just could not be bothered. All I had was this enormous sense of dread.

I went through the denial too. I was in complete denial that Zac was as sick as he was. I was making plans to take him places, to do things. Wanting to go and do things after your DD doesn't mean that you are in denial or are planning on forgetting him, it just means you know that you need to keep on living and keep on looking to the future, for yourself and for your first child.

I had the same problem with my DDC. Don't get me wrong I love those ladies, but towards the end it was hard to read posts about them getting things ready for their baby when I hadn't bought anything. It was hard to read about how excited they were for their babies birth when I was dreading it and really did want to be pregnant forever just to keep him safe.

I don't think its too early to join here, not at all.

Please feel free to PM me any time you need talk to someone who knows what you are going through.

Thanks to Claire1979 for the amazing siggy.

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February 22nd, 2011, 03:10 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Grand Rapids Michigan United States
Posts: 2,890
Hugs! My situation was a little different. We found out at 18 weeks we were having fraternal twin girls. At 24 weeks we found out that Baby A had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia and that the girls were Identical sharing a placenta and had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I had to continue on with my pregnancy not knowing what was going to happen. I wound up developing severe HELLP and having the girls at 28 weeks. We were told Madison would not survive being born. She defied the odds at 1 pound 9 ounces. She went through three major surgeries. We sadly lost her after a reherniation, pneumonia and sepsis. She lived for 5 months 2 days in the NICU. McKenzie weighed 2 pounds 2 ounces and is now just over 3 years old. She is doing wonderful.

I understand going on with life well your pregnant. The one thing the girls taught me with pregnancy is that it is very unpredictable. It is the hardest thing to lose a child. No way to prepare for it. We knew we could lose her but when we did still it tore me apart. Stay strong and do what you need to do at the time. HUGS!
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February 23rd, 2011, 11:06 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,054
You're more than welcome to post here.

We found out that we were going to loose our daughter, Grace, at 12 weeks. She had a neural tube defect called anencephaly. It is 100% fatal, most of the time within hours of birth.

I'm so sorry about your MIL. I discovered in our journey with our daughter that people tend to say very wrong things; especially when they have no idea what to say. After dealing with my Mother I've learned you have to be upfront and tell her that you appreciate her concern but you already knew all this and find a way to tell her to stop saying these things. Maybe having your husband talk to her will make it easier for her to take but you don't need to deal with anything else on your plate right now.

PM me if you want to talk and you're more than welcome to post here any time.
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February 23rd, 2011, 12:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2,239
Thanks, everyone. I talked to DH about it last night, and he reminded me that his mother frequently speaks before she has given much thought to what she is saying, which is very true. She is coming next week for two weeks, and I am sure that we will have loads of opportunities to talk about it, and she will understand. I am still a little hurt, especially that she questioned whether or not we would give him a name, but I will get over it.

Thanks for being so welcoming to me.
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April 24th, 2011, 12:52 AM
Jodi Dawn's Avatar Host of the Jan-July 05 P
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 25,747
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hugs. Keeping your lil one in my thoughts and prayers
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