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Stress and horomones pushing away dh

Forum: 2013 Playroom


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March 1st, 2013, 08:53 AM
BeccaMenk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Cincinnati,OH
Posts: 1,300
I apologize for typos ahead of time. Im typing on a tablet with a sleeping baby in one arm. So I have a terrible time not pushing away dh right now. I am stressed trying to take care of ds all day and being pregnant. I dont get much time alone . Even taking a shower is stressful trying to hurry before my son gets tired of hanging in the johnny jumper in the bathroom.By the time dh gets home at 8 pm i just want to sit without being touched or chasing a baby. I dont want to snuggle and rarely feel up to bding. I just want to be quiet and untouched.

Poor dh feels deprived. I try to explain its not him, but the pregnancy. Of course he doesnt get it. He takes it personally. I honestly feel almost disgusted at times when he wants to get close. I love him dearly but pregnancy horomones are nuts! I feel terrible. Plus winter has been bringing me down! I am rwady for sun!!!

The good news is dh is quitting his second job next week and wil get home at 5:30 now. I am hoping I will get abit of wind down time at night and will feel less stressed. But dh says i just want him home to take care of ds so i can have alone time, not becauae I want time with him.Sigh...men.

I dont know how to deal well with this. Dh has been working so much and the stress of being home alone without a car has bern stressing me. Plys money is beyond tight so thats a stress.I feel wound up and closed off inside. I need me time to feel better. Is that selfish? Now that he is cutting back hours we can eat dinner together and be more normal but we really need to reconnect. We tried a date night awhile back but I hated my mother in law babysitting so I didnt enjoy it. Of course I tried to hide that from him.

We are only married going on 3 years so any advice from longer married couples? We are very commited to each other so no danger there. He really treats me so well and puts up with my issues. I feel so selfish not doing more for him. I want to give him that snuggle time but I literally cringe at it sometimes. I have to figure out how to get myself to chill and unwind so I can give to him....just not sure how yet....sigh. Marriage is awesome. Pregnancy is awesome..but tough too. I guess thats why its worth it!
"That special power of loving that belongs to a woman is seen most clearly when she becomes a mother. Motherhood is the gift of God to women". - Mother Teresa.

Last edited by BeccaMenk; March 1st, 2013 at 08:58 AM.
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March 1st, 2013, 09:14 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Near Washington DC
Posts: 1,174
Get a hobby. Something that takes you out of the house a couple hours a couple times a week. Local art class at a community college, anything. It doesn't matter.

I do jigsaw puzzles and read. DH walks through the door, if I need to, I have the reigns of the household over to him and disappear to read for an hour or so alone. Get earplugs if you need to block it all out.

Also, you can be intimate with your husband without the sex. Shower together. Don't say a word, let him massage the soap or bodywash into your skin. Not only is this relaxing for you, but it helps him feel close and connected as well.

I would also say you should consider showering without the baby in the bathroom at all. He can fuss a little in the other room for your own sanity. He will be fine.

I remember getting really overwhelmed by the kids when they were smaller. I was a smoker, and they would be screaming and hollering and carrying on. I would take 10 minutes, step outside, and smoke a cigarette. It might seem cruel, but really, it isn't.

Sometimes we just need those moments to recollect ourselves.

I also joined a "book" club. Really it was just a group of women who got together weekly to drink wine and talk without the men or kids around. Obviously, that doesnt work now, but I am looking forward to resuming "book" club after the baby gets here.

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March 1st, 2013, 10:22 AM
MamaSkunk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 3,068
I second the getting a hobby as well as the handing the reins of the household over to DH for awhile to give you a break. There have been times where I just have said to DH....Im going for a walk be back in an hour. And then went for a nice long walk by myself til I was more relaxed and calm.
Also utilize grandparents or other family for a break. I will willingly hand DD over to my mom or my brothers for a few hours for a break and after a few hours away im good for awhile and dont need a break for a few more months.
Also even if you arent feeling it dont push your DH away. Let him snuggle you or rub your back...or like sunnydaze mentioned...shower together. Go see a movie together. Or go on a date.

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March 1st, 2013, 12:05 PM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
Join Date: May 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 26,352
Be honest with him about your feelings, first of all. Second of all, don't feel guilty about needing some alone time. You can't make your DH feel loved and appreciated if you don't love and appreciate your own sanity. If you can't get out of the house, take a hot shower or bath for 20 minutes alone, and then see how you feel. I have had periods where I just wasn't interested in being intimate with DH. As long as he wasn't outright annoying me, then I would go along with it even if I wasn't in the mood. As things get going, I would get into it too.

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March 1st, 2013, 01:35 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 2,153
I told DH that if he wants me in the mood forget the flowers. Clean the house. I explained there is no greater turn on than a clean house. Walk into a clean house (totally put together with nothing needing to be done) after going somewhere. The feelings can return.

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March 1st, 2013, 01:47 PM
MarylandMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland, near DC
Posts: 1,473
I'm so sorry you're going through a tough time. I second taking your shower time for yourself. I know some people will criticize, but DD got hooked on Sesame Street when she was about 6 months old when I put her in a "baby jail," we called it, with the show on while I took a shower. Something about that freakin' Elmo kept her happy while I took a relaxing shower. Maybe you could explain to DH that you don't just want him home to take the baby, but you do need him to help you with that. Explain that if he could come home and give you an hour or so break, you would be in a better state of mind to enjoy time with him in the evening. Do anything during that hour that you enjoy. Read, watch trashy reality tv, crochet, whatever helps you relax and unwind. And then you can enjoy dinner with DH and do something together after. Let him know that you do love him, that you're having a hard time right now, and if he can help you to be able to gain some sanity, you'll be able to give him more of what he is needing in your relationship, too. Hang in there!
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March 1st, 2013, 03:44 PM
BeccaMenk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Cincinnati,OH
Posts: 1,300
Thanks ladies for the inspiration! I guess we just need to keep talking and I need to figure out what I need to relax. He wants to talk I just get stressed and shut down. I used to be terrible about that with others before DH. He always opened me up. Now with a baby its hard to get quiet time together. I know it will work itself out once he is working less and we can get into a better groove.
"That special power of loving that belongs to a woman is seen most clearly when she becomes a mother. Motherhood is the gift of God to women". - Mother Teresa.
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March 1st, 2013, 04:01 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4,134
I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I have had a problem wanting intimacy also! I do what Courtney said above--as long as DH isn't being downright annoying, I usually just give in and kind of force myself to get started in bedroom. Usually after a few minutes of warming up, I get into it and end up enjoying it. I know it sounds bad to *force* myself, but I know that this intimacy issue is completely hormonal and that it WILL get better. But DH feels loved and he is happy so he is more willing to help out with the kids so I can take a break!

So we do like an exchange I ask him to run me a bath with some lavendar oil and bubbles and he gets me a book to read. He watches the kids so I can soak until the water goes cold. He will come in and wash my back or even just talk to me for a minute about our day. And then in return, I offer to do something intimate for him. It does help keep the peace until the spark comes back for me!
JaxonJocelyn Gabriel Grayson and Scarlett

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