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Feeling slighted.

Forum: 2013 Playroom


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  • 1 Post By naplesmomma
  • 1 Post By jcperez

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March 7th, 2013, 08:47 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,084
SO my MIL phoned me the other day to let me know she had been invited to my baby shower. She then proceeded to ask if she was required to bring a gift, as she didn't really want to go out and buy something to bring.......

A little back story: When my 19 yr old SIL was pregnant and on welfare, and living with her grandparents, my MIL purchased every single big ticket item for the baby, even though they were not on speaking terms. Every time MIL made a purchase she would say things like "Oh when you have a baby I owe you a _______" and of course I never felt like she owed us anything, but I really believe that was her perspective.

Fast forward 2 years later, and we're expecting baby #1. My SIL never used many of the items for my nephew as she moved into her own place with the nice new crib and highchair etc etc and my nephew lived at his great grandparent's house. SIL has been 'generous' enough to give us a lot of the big ticket items that are in like new condition! (And some that are used, but the point is we are getting lots of nice stuff)

Turns out MIL cut a deal with SIL that if she buys her a toddler bed for my nephew, she'll give us the crib. MIL goes on to tell me that because she bought us so much 'in a round about way' she doesn't really feel that she should have to bring a gift to my shower... and very much implies that she won't be buying us anything for our baby at all.

Now I HATE being materialistic, or greedy, and I see how this can come off this way, but there are still many items that we need, and will be spending a pretty penny (nickel, now that the penny no longer exists ) on. I feel a little cheated because as much as the crib SIL is giving us, is nice, like new, never been used and FREE it is FAR from the style that I would have picked out had we been given the chance to choose what we wanted.

I just feel like MIL is being tacky and honestly as much as I see where she is coming from having spent probably over $1000 on my nephew, and we are getting to use many of those items, it sure makes it seem like our baby is less important to her.

DH is being very calm and just points out that we are able to provide whatever baby needs ourselves, where as my SIL couldn't have.... but it still stings just a little!

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March 7th, 2013, 08:54 AM
Brock's minion
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 1,120
I bet it stings. I'm sorry that your going through that at such a joyous time of your life. I think what your husband said was great and it allows you to be above the BS. I would be hurt, very hurt and wouldn't know exactly what to say (I'd know what is want to say). I hope she see's what she said could be hurtful and just moves on. Not like your asking for 1 of everything from her just a token that she's excited and happy to celebrate your first baby.

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March 7th, 2013, 09:43 AM
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Rochester NY
Posts: 67
I'm sorry that's really crappy of her. Buying an outfit for the baby would have been completely acceptable but to bring nothing is just down right rude. Make sure to go over board thanking the people who actually give you gifts in front of her.
TTC# 3
Baseline CD3 Aug.7 / start Menopur 300 Aug.8 / Follie check Aug.16 (20,19&17mm follies)
IUI Aug.17 / 20 million with 95% motilty after wash
Faint BFP 10 & 11dpiui
Beta#1 at 11dpiui: 24 / #2 at 13dpiui: 54 / #3 at 15dpiui: 107
U/S #1: Sept. 17th ~ 1 little jelly bean
Anatomy scan: Dec. 19th ~ It's a BOY!!

Born on his due date May 10th at 1:39pm weighing 8lbs 9oz & 22 inches long ~ VBAC#2
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March 7th, 2013, 09:47 AM
Sapphera's Avatar NTNP Host
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Calgary, AB
Posts: 1,952
Ouch, I can imagine how much that must hurt!! I've played second fiddle to my brother my whole life, so I understand it.. but it was not transferred to my baby (my mom is still going all out).

I would understand her not wanting to bring something if she had already bought you a ton of stuff, but yikes. ANd to ask if you if it's ok?

Even with the differences between your situation and your SIL, I think it's pretty uncalled for... I mean.. how hard is it to go out and buy one cute outfit? :S

Sorry you're going through this.. I wish I had some sage advice for you.
Michelle & David - WTTC with PCOS
DD - Kaia, May 9, 2013
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March 7th, 2013, 09:52 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2,797
I agree with Mrs. B. I understand your hurt. My hubby and I have a similar situation and quite honestly, has never gotten better. We have just learned to accept things as they are. But yes, it still hurts. I hope your situation is different, but just so you know ours never changed. Our kids always play second fiddle and number 10 is all but forgotten . But enjoy YOUR baby and your family. You are blessed and sounds like you have a smart hubby.

I agree, picking up an outfit, some babywash, and a few washcloths would have just been a nice thing to do instead of making a deal about it.
Jesus loving, homeschooling, gardening lover, devoted wife to a wonderful hubby and 10 kids, ages 13 down to 12.5 months . We are expecting number 11 due January 1st, 2015.

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March 7th, 2013, 10:51 AM
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 362
Wow - what a tight-fisted old cow ! How can any future Grandmother NOT want to shower their upcoming grandchild with presents - big or small !!!!
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March 7th, 2013, 11:09 AM
Elly M.'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 1,308
You do not sound materialistic at all. You are not upset about her not spending money on you, it's upsetting that she is not acting like the usual "grandmom to be" would. You just want to know that she will love your baby as much as she does her nephew. We all want to know that our family, especially grandparents, think our children are all equal, and that they are all loved just the same. It's hurts I'm sure, and I hope she does not take away from your baby shower. Try your best (I'm sure you will) to enjoy your shower anyway. Maybe she will come around
Proud wife to Paul
Blessed Mom to Shawn

5/25/03 with us for 6 months
8/11/12 with us for 5 weeks

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March 7th, 2013, 11:27 AM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 6,913
I agree with the other ladies, it wouldn't have cost her hardly anything to go buy a cute outfit, a teddy bear or something sweet to show she cares.

Little Bud: Blooming in Heaven 1.24.12
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March 7th, 2013, 12:25 PM
jcperez's Avatar 1 Busy Momma
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,003
Ahhhhh, yes. I know the feeling too. I also have a SIL. I feel like my kids and myself often take a backseat when compared to SIL and her kids. She can do no wrong and is perfect in the eyes of her mother along with her children. I have often felt slighted too. Welcome to the being a daughter in law. I dont think you should get your SIL hand me downs and it be called even. This is your first baby too. I agree with the others, a few cute outfits and that would have been nice. Who knows, maybe she will have a change of heart?
Mrsbowbin likes this.

Mommy to Lorenzo, Marino and Remy

Last edited by jcperez; March 7th, 2013 at 12:27 PM.
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March 7th, 2013, 08:34 PM
markswife's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 3,683
I'm most offended by her telling you she's not bringing a gift and expecting you to approve of that. And I assign no credit to giving the gift to your SIL and basically bribing her into giving it to you by buying SIL something to replace the "gift" that is coming to you. That's some seriously jacked up logic. I would be pissed as hell if I was in your shoes.

Having said that, I would do my best to find a way to just stomach her and not let it get you down too much. Your MIL is the one with the clear problem so don't let her project that on to you. Chock this up as a lesson in not setting your expectations too high for her.
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