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"Help" after baby is home

Forum: 2013 Playroom


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April 4th, 2013, 07:02 AM
zkat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,743
MIL came to stay with us after B1 was born to "help". Her version of help and my version of help were very different and our relationship has been very strained since. This go around, nobody is coming to "help" after the baby. I am sure my mom will come on weekends to do some light chores if I need it and my sister will come visit a couple of weeks after B2 arrives (before she leaves for Hawaii for 10 days on a research grant - I am jealous)

Do you have anyone coming to help after you get home and what do you expect from them? I will be honest and that I didn't have a conversation wtih MIL and what I really needed help with (laundry, housework, cooking etc) was very different that what I thought I would need. And it was different than what she thought we would need. She wanted to helped with the Baby. I didn't need help with the baby - we had to figure that one out pretty quick. I needed someone to load the dishwasher, fold a load of laundry and cook dinner (besides DH who was back at work and helping me at night)

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April 4th, 2013, 07:07 AM
lalap's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 575
I worry about this with my mom. I'm a FTM, but I saw this happen with my niece and nephew.. My mom's version of helping is just holding the baby and ordering the parents to bring her stuff. "Bring me a wet rag to wipe the baby's face" "Bring me a bottle" "Bring me a burp cloth" Haha.
I know that crap will stress my hubby out to no end. I'm trying to figure out how to have that much-needed conversation with mom before the baby comes..
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April 4th, 2013, 07:17 AM
Joanne Nicole's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Mississauga, Ontario
Posts: 1,037
My mom drove 5 hours to be with me as soon as I told her I was in labour - I expected her to show up afterwards, but in the end I was glad to have her there.

At first, she was only able to stay until the next day - she got called back home for an emergency. But when DD was 3 weeks old, DH and I both came down with the flu so bad that we couldn't even get out of bed. My mom came back down and stayed for a week. She was a huge help. She didn't really do the laundry/cleaning/cooking stuff, but she slept in the nursery with DD, and only woke me up if DD needed to be fed. She handled middle of the night diaper changes and comforting, so that I could get some sleep. Then during the day she'd put DD in the tummy pack and go on long walks with her so I could rest.

We moved last year, so unfortunately my mom can't just drive down to see us this time, but she is planning to fly up for a week on my due date. No way of knowing if the baby will be early or on time or late, but hopefully she'll get to be here when the baby is. She plans on sleeping in the nursery again, to help out with the middle of the night stuff, and I know she'll be a big help in keeping DD happy and busy and occupied so she doesn't feel neglected when baby first comes.

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April 4th, 2013, 07:38 AM
MamaSkunk's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 3,068
Ugh I think a Moms idea of "helping" always seems to be holding the baby and nothing practical. I don't need help having someone hold my baby! Thankfully my mom will only be here for a day or so to take care of DD while I'm in labor. But if she does ask I will politely decline any "help" And this is one thing I'd tell FTMs...refuse any so called "help" its just a convenient excuse for your moms to hold your baby all day long and to invade on your privacy and home for a few weeks. As tempting as it sounds...don't!
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April 4th, 2013, 07:58 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,625
My parents are coming out for a week, about a week after the due date. They're going to come and help us back up the apartment and either get ready to move (if we're leaving the state) or help us complete a move (if we're sticking around town). If we're moving out of state, my mom is planning on coming out again in July to help us finish unpacking and getting all settled in. That way I can focus on the baby, and not worry about making sure our kitchen and stuff is in order.

Other than that, that's all the "help" we're wanting/getting. DH is a teacher, he has June-August off, so we're sure we can handle things just fine the two of us.

Thank you *Kiliki* for the beautiful siggy
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April 4th, 2013, 08:09 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,283
No one will be staying with us. I would go crazy. Our families both love within 30 minutes of us though so I know they'll visit.
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April 4th, 2013, 08:21 AM
MarylandMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland, near DC
Posts: 1,473
My parents live close by, so I know my mom will be over when she is not working. My aunt also loves close by and loves to help. They are always quick to volunteer with cleaning tasks, so that will probably be helpful, and they will be good about making sure DD gets plenty of attention, too. I also wouldn't mind them hold the baby for a while so I can still have some time with DD so she doesn't feel like neglecting her. MIL will be more of a bother than a help when she is here, but DH already talked to her about staying at a hotel for just this visit bc we will need to have time as just our family together and it will be too much stress for me to have someone staying here when we have a newborn. And I am sure DH will try to keep her out of my hair bc he knows she stresses me out.
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April 4th, 2013, 08:27 AM
cheerfulsunrise's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 717
Noone is coming to help me, although my mom and dad have mentioned coming for a visit in June, it would be to see baby, nothing else. For the most part, I have been pretty much on my own after having babies in the past. With my first child, my husband left for basic training within days of his birth, and it was just me and my son At that time of my life I did live within miles of my family, so I saw them every day and spent time with them. With my daughter, we lived far away from family, and my husband had to go back to work within days of her birth, so it was just me and new baby and 2.5 year old! This time around, my kids will be 12.5 and 15 years old, so I am not sure how much "help" they will be, but at least they are pretty independent and would rather take care of themselves than have me over them every second... I think my husband is going to take a week off of work though.
DS: '98, DD: '00, DD: '13, & TTC #4

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April 4th, 2013, 08:30 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Near Washington DC
Posts: 1,174
While I was giving birth to Sebastian, and in the hospital with him for the couple days afterwards, my mother and sister scrubbed my house for me. I came home and the house was immaculate, they even did our laundry.

My grandmother is coming a week after baby girl arrives and I know she will cook. She is a bit too old to do cleaning. But I am fully aware she is coming to bond more than help and I'm okay with that.

I am also aware that just about everyone I know will stop by and drop off a casserole...because I live in a small town and that is just how it goes. It will be nice to not have to worry about cooking and I really want some lasanga. LOL

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April 4th, 2013, 08:31 AM
Kalynas_Mom's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 830
My mom bought a condo in my building so she will be 16 floors above me She drives me crazy sometimes but because she's my mom I feel totally comfortable saying exactly what I want and need and she doesn't get offended. She's going to be a HUGE help with getting to DD to school and back. The kind of help she offers is more along the lines of bringing food, cleaning etc. Having her around when DD was born was awesome! DD cried all day long unless she was held so we would pass her back and forth but she never made me feel like she was trying to "take over".
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Mom to my wildchild Kalyna (Dec 2008)

August 8th 2012, 7 weeks
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April 4th, 2013, 09:43 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 3,551
DH always takes at least a week off to handle the big kids while baby and I figure out how things work. Last time my youngest sister was in college and on summer break, so she came and spent most of the summer with us, essentially being a nanny to DD while I focused on DS. This time we don't have that option, so DH will try to take 2 weeks off and my MIL will take a week. I mostly just need help with the big kids because they're so active and energetic, so MIL and DH will probably end up taking them Sea World or the Zoo a lot. My mom will also come down for a bit, but she just got a new job and doesn't have a lot of vacation...she will do EVERYTHING for me. Cook, clean, play with the kids, etc. I think after 2-3 weeks though, I will have figured out how to make things work with 3 kids.
Lisa, mom to Alie and Christian
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April 4th, 2013, 09:58 AM
momneedscoffee13's Avatar SAHM to Pirate & Princess
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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It was so different with Connor. DH had 3 months paternity leave and was the biggest help ever. My Mom lived 10 min down the road and would come when called basically, she also stayed with me in the hospital for the few days I was there and helped with all of the night time stuff.

This time, who the hell knows! I'm living with my in-laws, our house is supposed to be built about a week after my EDD, and my Mom currently has a bid on a short sale here but they take forever, so she may or may not be living in her condo by the time baby gets here. My Mom says (jokes? who knows) about renting a place for us if her or our house is not ready when baby comes.

There's no way I can live with the in laws with a newborn. It's more about the BF'ing and when Connor I didn't even have a shirt on some days as we were getting used to BF'ing and such. I can't even nurse in the same room with my ILs unless I have a cover on (which I refuse to wear at home and in the 1000 degree heat of summer, we tried it a couple of times that summer with Connor and he would throw up every time he ate), not a fan of covers.

Mostly I'll just need help with household things, and maybe with Connor?? I'm not sure how it will go this time around since I have a toddler and DH only gets about 1-2 weeks off work It's gonna suck!!

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April 4th, 2013, 11:01 AM
navywifey2003's Avatar Home Birth Mama
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Clovis, CA
Posts: 37,585
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I'm sure my mom will come for a few days but won't stay and Kyles family is not involved in our life.

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April 4th, 2013, 12:23 PM
QueenCrafty's Avatar Courtney
Join Date: May 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 26,352
No one will stay with us, since most of our immediate family is local. My parents live down the street, and I know my dad doesn't plan on traveling for work the week before or after my due date just in case. My parents are on call to watch my girls when we go to the hospital. Other than that, I am sure they will be willing to take them to their swim lessons for a few days or cook us dinner some. My MIL will probably also come over several times in the first few weeks. She lives 45 minutes away. She's great about taking the girls out to do something if I need to focus on something else. She'll probably also do some laundry for me. I'm not sure DH will take any time off work. He hasn't with the other two- seriously he went to work hours after Abri was born and worked a half day, was off the weekend and went back full time on Monday. I was annoyed. So yeah, I'm not really counting on him to help during the day, but he's great about waking up at night to hold the baby after I nurse so I can catch some sleep.

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April 4th, 2013, 12:27 PM
ashleykathleen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 3,612
This is why I'm so glad my mom has so many children of her own...she actually knows what is practical and what really helps those first few weeks. We live 5 minutes away from each other so she doesn't stay at my house or anything but will come over daily or every other day to do laundry, pick up my kitchen, or cook meals. She cooks a lot of casseroles for me that I can freeze and pop in oven later.

Generally, my mom helps me the first week after baby is born and then my dad and stepmom come into town the second week and help me. After those first two weeks, we usually have a system figured out that works.

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April 4th, 2013, 12:44 PM
PurpleStar's Avatar March 2015 DDC Co-Host
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Sunny CA
Posts: 3,122
I'm very close with my family, so with DS, my mom and grandma came up came up (I was in Vegas at the time and they drove from CA) and arrived right after he was born. I loved having them and they helped out so much...both while I was in the hospital and once we got home.

This time around, I'm really sad I don't have ANY of my family around me for the birth of my baby girl. I'm actually going to be talking to my mom to see if we can plan her coming...I may be grown but I'll always need my momma. Birth is one of those things i can't imagine doing without her. And I guess I'm fortunate from reading other posts cause she always seems to know what is needed without me saying anything. I don't expect her to clean or do anything...that's not why I want her to be with us...but with DS, she just seemed to "know" what we need mentally, emotionally and in the household. My grandmother is the same and she will coming out when baby is around 3 months for a month. I can't wait!
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April 4th, 2013, 02:53 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 4,134
My mom is the same way, Kat. When she says she will "help" she means with the baby. She won't do anything else. It is so frustrating! But I will probably take her up to watch the baby for a few hours so I can nap and DH can kinda pick up the house. But it definitely would be a lot more helpful if she would help out with housework.

Honestly, I don't imagine I will get much help at all, baby or house... which sucks..
JaxonJocelyn Gabriel Grayson and Scarlett

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April 4th, 2013, 03:56 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6,057
Gee, I am sorry to hear so many stories of difficult and unhelpful grandparents we had both my mom and FIL stay for 3 weeks after DD was born and they were awesome. DH took 2 weeks off from work too, he had a lot of comp time saved up. They did all the grocery shopping, cooking, basic cleaning, helped a bit with laundry, and would hold and change the baby while I showered, napped, took a sitz bath, whatever, but mainly were just happy to hang out with me while I nursed her on the couch. They also went on some long wine runs and went though a lot of wine I think they had a good time. FIL has a fancy camera and obsessively took pictures and then had 100s to go through and pick good ones from, and he spent a lot of time on that.

This time we live so close to my parents, and we don't have much space in our house, so FIL will stay with my parents. They will help out with entertaining DD and meals and dishes and some baby-holding (they are always sort of "paid" with that lol) but not 24/7. DH also has a generous paternity leave policy at his current job so he will take 3 weeks off and then work from home once a week for awhile longer. I am so glad he can take so much time off. He is by far the most important extra helper to have around for me.

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April 4th, 2013, 05:40 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 577
With my daughter, I was moving out of my parents' house into a house with my boyfriend, so while there were visits there was no help per say. I also won't be getting help from family this time. I am okay with it though. As long as there are visits I am fine
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April 4th, 2013, 08:04 PM
eshute's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2,029
My mom only lives about 15 minutes from us now, which is great. She stayed with my sister for about a week with both of her kids. The thing is...my sister WANTED help with the babies. My sister isn't exactly maternal. My mom took care of the baby both times, plus did the laundry and dishes, etc. I think my mom will be happy to help with the housework as long as she gets a little baby time, too. My mom actually made a career out of cleaning houses and businesses, so the cleaning will take her a whole hour if the house is a wreck. It's pretty awesome.

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