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Trying to come to terms with RCS

Forum: Cesarean Section Birth


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October 12th, 2011, 08:14 PM
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
I have been navigating through forum after forum from many different websites for 2 days now, but after finding this one I felt like it was time to post my own experience/thoughts because I just can't seem to come to terms with the news of my scheduled c/s.
This is a long story.. lol

My first story:
Owen James C
Born Sept 9/2010
Weight: 9lb 2oz
C section - non emergency

My fiance and I tried for our first born. We started trying in Nov 09, and by Jan 2010 I found out I was pregnant.
Our first and only concern really was the possibility of twins since they run in both our families.
By my first ultrasound the tech confirmed there was ONLY ONE and we decided not to find out the gender of baby.

My pregnancy went very well. I was not sick through the entire journey, put on a healthy but not crazy amount of weight, and read read read about everything! (Except cesareans actually- call me superstitious... I call me weak with blood and incisions... I get woozy thinking bout it now actually)

My due date was Sept 1. On Sept 6 I went to see my doc and he told me that I was going to go to the hospital on Sept 8th to try and induce labour as I had not yet dialated and baby was still reallllly high. I was pretty much boobs/belly. He also said that the baby seemed rather large and so it was best if we tried this sooner than later. At this point I felt huge and anxious and was totally fine with the idea of being induced. I was almost 41 wks.

On the morning of Sept 8, my DH and I took our sweet time getting to the hospital (we live 15 mins away) and even grabbed a coffee. I was excited but very relaxed as I had in my mind we would go, be induced, and go home to "wait it out". ( Please bear in mind I had not had a single contraction at this point, water breakage or anything!)

After waiting around for roughly 1.5hrs the nurse finally came in and went ahead with the first process. Cannot remember EXACTLY what the drug name was, but pretty sure I was given Cervidil ( A small pill inserted vaginally). That was around 10:30 a.m. The nurse told me to lay back and let it "kick in" for about 30 mins then I'd be "good to go".
When she came back little after 11, she said things were looking good, and so I said "great! Can I go home now?". She actually looked at me like I was a little crazy and said "no dear- you are here now until this baby comes out". At this point I got a little panicky. Everything was ready at home to welcome baby but we had left the bag at the front door, and I hadnt done my last minute tidying up (that really wasnt a big deal) and I thought everything was going to happen so quickly because my older sister had warned me that when she had been induced she had her baby within 2 hrs.

The rest of the day was extremely uneventful and disappointing. Nothing happened. At all.

At some point of the day I was given another 'dose' of this pill, my DH snuck home and grabbed the bag and did my 'tidying up' I was freaking over (he told me a yr later he hadnt done anything and the mess was all in my head) and had a bite to eat. I had made zero progress. My doc kept making appearances here and there and told me I had yet to dialate past 'a fingertip', and my nurse kept making me walk the halls. And I mean made me. She told me and DH to go and not come back for one hour. She did this many times.
I was quite emotional that night. My family was all near by at my dads and had been calling and stopping by and I was tired and impatient. I was not having contractions but was experiencing some rather uncomfortable cramps from the pill. I just really felt like..well, ****.
I didnt sleep well.

The next morning I was greeted by another nurse who told me we were going to go ahead with the Pitocin and that this should really make a difference and get things moving. I had a renewed vibe and somehow felt energized even thought I'd had a rough night. At this point I'd heard the doc and a few nurses casually mentioning the possibility of a c section (I think to prepare me) and EVERYONE kept commenting on how high I was carrying still. By midday I had seen every nurse on shift changes atleast once and had heard 2 women in rooms next to me give birth- and one actually had gone home already!!! The halls were dead quiet and I had still YET to have a single contraction.

Yes, doc made more face time. He gave me the "sweep" at some point, checked my cervix again (woo, a whole 1.5cm!) and had nurses now seriously talking to me about the cesarean. He even did a quicky ultrasound to determine what was going on but just figured that the baby was "too big" to budge, and thats why "it" wasnt dropping. Emotionally tired and trying to prep myself for the surgery, I was never once concerned for my baby. I had many machines hooked up to me and the nurses were actually dubbing baby "jumping jack" because of all the movement on the richter scale. lol.

The doc finally came in around 5ish p.m on Sept 9th and told me he would be back in one hour to let me know the time of the surgery. I had signed all the paper and called my dad and sisters to give them the news and have them come in(he lives 15 mins the other direction and my fam were all there, waiting). To this day my family still laughs at my spirits through most of my stay. Yes, I was anxious and nervous about everything, but when the doc came back and said "Your surgery is at 9p.m. See you then" everyone recalls how I just took it so well. I had a "lets just do this" attitude and apparently was beaming. I just wanted to meet him/her!!!

A little before 9 things got moving. I cannot remember the exact order of things and exact details but I DO remember walking into that chilly white room and having my first tiny bout of reality. Everyone was very friendly- yet professional and gave me the spinal without too much incident. I dont remember it hurting too much0 but I remember shaking slightly from nerves. They laid me down and did some pinch tests and w/e else they do to prepare for the surgery. At one point I looked up at the aneastegeologist(sp??!!) and told him he looked like Seth Rogan. He told me he gets that sometime. I remember feel jittery and loopy. I had a little bit of quesiness and at one small little minute I thought I was going to be sick but the feeling passed quickly and was replaced by pure euphoria. My DH recalls the next bit of the story like this: " I was led into the room and remember looking around and seeing all serious faces and face masks until I was led behind the curtain and looked down at you. You were just smiling from ear to ear in a total daze."
I remember the pressure and looking up at hubby and his eyes were glazed over. He couldnt see behind the curtain. I asked if he was okay and he replied by nodding his head while still staring off. Just then the mouth mask started going in-and-out rather quickly and I had to give him a lil "hey! we're ok. we're gunna do this" because I recognized he was slightly hyperventilating. That moment- as odd as it was- is a very special one for me I will never forget. He quickly came to just in time for the doc (my doc just so happened to be a specialist so it was he that did the surgery) to say "a lot of hair..... practically a toddler... boy!" We named him Owen. He was 9.2lbs and perfect!
Turns out he was OP positioned and because of his size (and big ol head) he just was not budging.

And then I remember tears. Lots of tears. Mine. Hubbys. Babys (in no particular order). My son was brought to me and held by my face where I got to have a quick glimpse. My Dh and DS were then taken from the room while I was being put back together. I remember a lot of "congrats" and "you did it"s, "beautiful baby" etc.... aaannnd I remember looking around the ceiling at nothing and just beaming. I was wheeled into the recovery room -the only one in there- and covered in blankets, had some things checked- hooked up to some machine - where I waited the longest wait of my life. The nurse came and checked on me every 15 mins or so and told me "as soon as you can move your toes we will bring you back to your room". I have NEVER tried to do something so hard before in my life. I now know what it feels to be paralyzed and it was a very scary feeling. However, I dont remember any part of the entire surgery and recovery being overly unpleasant. I just wanted to see and hold my boy. Almost an exact hour later and trying with every fibre in my body, I was able to move my toes and the nurse brought me to the room. Most of my family had left because it was so late but mine and DH's dads were still around and I got some greetings from them. Without getting into too much more details, I nursed, had a rough night sleep, snuggled etc etc and was released 2 days later.
All in all my stay at the hospital, experiences with the nurses ( i LOVED them and one in particular), and surgery were all rather pleasant experiences and although I couldnt wait to get home I was a little sad at leaving my room. (Had my own room the entire time- big rooms- and free t.v etc etc)

I have always had some small feelings of regret that I never got to experience my water breaking, or labour pains (at all! ), or the mad frantic middle of the night rush to get to the hospital, the pushing, the pain, everything! And although my surgery was not an emergency, I actually had a very long and extremely painful recovery. DH took 2 weeks off work and I never felt really recovered until roughly 2 months PP.

My unfinished story #2:

So when I found out in May 2011 that I was pregnant again( SURPRISE! lol) , I IMMEDIATELY started researching VBACs because although my first experience wasnt a bad one, I DREADED the thought of recovery with a 16 month old.

Well last Friday I went to see my new family doc (She took on me and baby while we were still in hospital) who is a very VERY great doctor. She is fairly young, hip, honest and down to earth lady who I have been blessed with. She is extremely knowledgeable and doesnt have a rating under 5 stars on RateMD.
I was excited to see her since she had been on holidays for quite some time and since I am now 27 wks along I knew we would have a lot of upsoming things to discuss. I also felt that because of her personality and demeanor she would totally be on board with my VBAC idea.
I was sooo wrong.
No sooner did I say "Vee.." did she give me this 'eek'-like face and say "dont." Plain and simple. "Dont" . The look on my face must have pushed her to continue where we got into this long discussion about the safety of me and the baby. She had just gone through the same debate with her sister and had weighed out the same risks and benefits with her. She also advised me that my local hospital doesnt do VBACs because it does not staff all the proper doctors needed overnight in case of emergency. If I wanted it she told me she would recommend me to a doctor in the nearest town (35 mins or so away) and that they would take care of me. However, she said she highly suggested I schedule a cesarean as it would be the safest. Also a concern was that I would only be 16 months PP and the safe time gap is after 18 months.
We talked about my reasoning where she started by saying " most women want to experience a vaginal birth and this is there reasoning. But that does not make a mom, THIS (rocking a fake baby motion) makes you a mom". When I told her about my previous recovery she said "Emerge c section recoveries are horrible, but a scheduled one can be beautiful and you can heal within days." I broke the news that "ahem.. It wasnt an emergency, it was scheduled, and it was still bull%$*&".
Holding back tears- and she could tell- she suggested I think it over and we will discuss it in 3 weeks at my next visit.
Now I know I could go see another doc and get another opinion, the thing is I REALLY trust this womans opinion. Not just from a doc perspective. And she brought up extremely valid points and I've almost all but decided on the scheduled surgery. My problem now is that I know this will markedly lessen my chances of a baby number 3 VBAC. I've also spent this entire week tossing and turning all night and randomly crying during the day thinking about it. I feel EXTREMELY heavy chested at the idea of never experiencing labour pains, or contractions or having the rush of everything. I am going to be given my babys due date, told not to eat for 12 hours prior, and have a horrible recovery. I know what's going to happen. All of the suspense and excitement of not knowing i will NEVER get to experience and it is making me really really depressed feeling. I've tried talking to my family and DH but everyone says supportive things like "it will all be ok", and "safest way", but I feel like noone REALLY knows that I'm going through. I feel completely alone and confused and just overly disappointed. With DS I never had the time to really think about the csection because after two long days I just wanted him out. But now I feel as though I have 3 long months to think of nothing but. Also, as I mentioned about, I do NOT do well with needles and blood and such and am soooo nervous at the idea of this.
I apologize for this being so rediculously long, but like I said, I have talked to so many people close to me and still dont feel like I've said everything I want to, or shared all of my concerns, and I most def have not had someone who understands what I'm struggling with daily and can actually give me advice or words of comfort. Thank you for listening to my story, and PLEASE, feel free to send some kind stories or advice or just something. Im struggling with this overwhelming sadness and just cant seem to come to terms completely.

For the record, I am 24 years old, so I am relatively young and age is not a factor with the VBAC.
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October 12th, 2011, 10:15 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,044
I understand your feelings completely and so sorry you are in this same boat as me Although I still have a hard time coming to terms with my upcoming c/s, I have a couple different factors that make it more ok for me than it sounds like you are. I did get to experience labor and contractions with my son before having the c/s so I don't feel like I'm missing out. This is our 2nd, and last baby so I don't have to worry about subsequent pregnancies and children. If we planned on having more children, I believe (but obviously can't say for 100% certainty) that i would fully go through with a VBAC. Good luck with your decision, all I can say is do research, research, research! Ask your dr to also go through the risks and complications of a c/s with you. If she's willing to do it for VBAC she should definitly go through the list of risks that come with a c/s too. And I will update you on how my story goes as well, 5 more weeks til my repeat c/s and I'm hoping it will go a lot smoother than my first! I also, like you, had a bad recovery from my c/s. Everyone I've ever talked to with a repeat c/s though has said how EASY it is so that's what I'm clinging to and hoping for! LOL Even though you didn't "labor" with your son, the emotional toll it took on you to be in the hospital for 2 days before your c/s, not to mention having the medicine on your body (whether it worked or not) probably also affected how well/easy you recovered from the c/s so keep that in mind too. Good luck!
Mommy to Alexander, Annabella, & always missing our angel!
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October 13th, 2011, 06:36 PM
OurSweetLabs's Avatar I LOVE My Boys!!
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 11,014
Welcome to Just Mommies and the C Section Board.

I am Donna, the host of this board. I hope that you find this board to be helpful and supportive !
Donna - Mom to David and Asher

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October 13th, 2011, 08:33 PM
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
I cant believe how different I feel today about everything already. I feel like I did an (almost) complete 180 from my feelings I've been having for a week straight. I think just writing the story was therapy in itself and couldnt believe the effects it had on me. Last night was the first night in a week where I actually had a full nights sleep without laying wide awake, mind racing. Your reply AZ was really insightful and helped. I also cant remember where I read it, but someone else had said a simple sentence that was SO powerful and i cant believe I'd never really said it to myself: "you will never forgive yourself if anything happened to your baby". I try to live my life with no regrets, And since my doc stressed that my safest option was a repeat c/s- I feel so much better already. THANK YOU! This site really is incredible.
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cesarean, rsc, struggling

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