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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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April 15th, 2008, 07:41 AM
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
I feel lke everytime I post, I jsut vent to all of you and I do appologize for taht. But to me, I feel like this is the only plae I can go and talk whre people wll trully understand, and not say say that "they now how I am feeling."
After three miscarriages in a row, we got apporved to go see a firtility doctor. But it will be a year in Sept since we started te4sting, and I feel like this long road is overbearing. After tons of tests (and of course waiting to test till I have a period) the doctor still cant find anything, Sometimes , I wish they would so I would have an answer. I want to try again for a baby, but I cant go through that again. I still have those days where all I can do is think about my babies I lost. It always seems like just when I am doing ok, something happens and triggers all the heartacke I thought I put behind me.
My sister told mem she was pregnant the same day i told her I was losing my third baby. Ever since then, I have a hard time being truly happy for her. I guess I thought she would be more understanding to me since she had a miscarriage herself. But lately, her remarks are just hurting me even moe. I went to live with them for 2 weeks while I looked for a house. (my husband is in the military and we are getting stationed up be her) The whole time I was there, she kept joking around and saying."I need a jack and coke, but hold the jack". And her husband said to me not once but a few times, "If we ever have moe than two kids at a time, I would sell you one. I dont thnk I culd handle any more than twins." Wether or not my sister was trying to be noce by saying,"I will be your saragent...though like you I dotn have much luck carrying a baby." (mind you, see lost one, not three or more. I realize losing one baby is hard, dont get me wrong, I wouldnt wish it one anyone, I jsut thought that she would understand and not say things htat i wouldnt say to those who lost a baby) All of those things they said to me drove me nuts. How could they be soo stupid and not realize what they are saying. I wouldnt care if I culd never have a drink again, or if I was lucky and blessed to have twins, or tripplets, or more for that matter. I would give anything.
Then she didnt tell me she had an ultrasound yesterday (which is fine) But she send out amassive e-mail to everyone, showing pictures of her baby, and tellign everyone that she is having a girl. I now this may sound selfish, but if she was ahaving a boy it would have made lfe a little easier right now. (we are blessed with many boys in my family, not girls. THis is ging to be my moms and grandmas first grand-daughter) Fro some reason it is bringing back all those memories of when i lost m,y last baby, Maybe cause iside I thought it was a girl. I am happy for her, but does anyone ever feel soo jelous becasue some people get everything they want and seem to get all their prayers answered, and you just cant seem to get that one you been praying for? I feel so horrible for being so jelous, but it hurts so bad. I want to be happy for her, but i cant right now. and knowing that I will livign by her through the resst of this pregnancy just listening to her complain when she is hungry or tired , or watching them get her little girls room together....I dont think I can handle it.
Any advice..even if it jsut telling me to get over it..maybe that what I need to do. I wish had answer and new what to do.
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April 15th, 2008, 08:29 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: NE Arkansas
Posts: 5,190
Oh sweetie!!! I am so very sorry for ALL of your losses!!!! Saying that still does not make it any better and I KNOW and UNDERSTAND what you are going through... Words can NOT describe how it feels to loose something that you so desperately want and that someone else is having or doing. On some of the things they said.. They MIGHT have been trying to help you in some way.. How I do not know.. Yes it was very insensitive.. If they can NOT be supportive in any way or form..SHAME ON THEM!!!!!! Have you thought about asking them NOT to make those kind of remarks? Also maybe it is their way of trying to joke with you and see you laugh.. And not to be so torn up inside. I had a few people tell me that maybe it was for the BEST for me to lose my babies... When they said that I wanted to hit them.. On her sending out the ultrasound pics to everyone but you.. Maybe that was her way of trying to protect you and NOT seem insensitive... Maybe she thought that if you seen the baby that it would hurt you even more than you already are hurting. I really don't know.... Maybe she does NOT understand all the pain that you are going through. She had 1 loss.. compared to your 3.. Not to belittle ANYONE who has had a loss.. but some people are able to just shrug it off and go on.. I am NOT one of them.. I feel EVERY loss.. Sometimes I feel it right when I find out .. Sometimes its later on before it really hits.. But when it does hit it hits HARD. NO I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU TO GET OVER IT... And I really do not think ANYONE on this board would either. You have your right to grieve and feel the way that you do.. NO ONE can take that away from you!!!! Most women do complain during pregnancy hun.. I do not think that she is trying to hurt you when she does.. She just is NOT thinking on how u feel...I am not taking up for her.. I understand fully why u are upset. I am so very sorry that you are having to go through this.. Its NOT RIGHT! If you EVER want to talk to PM me and I will be here ANYTIME you want to vent or just someone to talk to. Grieve how u feel is right.. Let NO ONE tell you how. Those lil ones were/ARE your babies...

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April 15th, 2008, 09:41 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Recurrent pregnancy loss is so hard because so few people understand how it hurts you to your core. I think your sister and her DH are being incredibly insensitive and I don't blame you one bit for not wanting to be around them. And it is OK to choose not to be around them. You have to take care of you first. If you're not comfortable going to showers or going to her house then you don't have to. She might get offended, but she CAN get over THAT and deal with it. If you're up to it then tell her that the things she says really hurt and you need a break from her for a while. It's OK to be sad for your losses. It's OK to feel jealous of your sister. That's all normal and part of the grieving process.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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April 15th, 2008, 10:41 AM
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Thank you guys so much. Sometimes It helps to vent and talk to others who have gone through the same pain. I really do apreciate everything you all said. thank you again.
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April 17th, 2008, 10:22 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
I am sorry I am so late in responding. The other ladies are right - they are being VERY insensitive. I am not sure why some people seem so clueless - but they just are. I would also have thought that after experiencing loss she would be more understanding...but not everyone processes it the same unfortunately. Your feelings are valid & many women would feel JUST like you do - I know I would. For me - the way I handled insensitive people was to distance myself from them. As sad as I was to loose some relationships & be distant in others, it helped me. I wish it didn't have to come to that - but I did what I had to do to get by & to try to heal. You have to do what is best for you as well - whatever that means & only you can truly know. I would suggest also writing your sister a letter to tell her how hurt you are about what has been said & explain yourself as best you can from your perspective....not being accusatory - just saying things like "I don't think you realized, but when you said X it made me feel really sad because.....".

I wish you all the best & welcome you here with open arms. I am sorry for all your pain - it is so hard dealing with losses. We all understand here & want to give you the love, support & encouragement that you ened & that EVERY woman should have while trying to get through this.

Please keep us updated & feel free to vent whenever you need it.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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April 21st, 2008, 11:15 PM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Carmel, CA
Posts: 5,872
Send a message via Yahoo to LisaB
...though like you I dotn have much luck carrying a baby[/b]
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!! I wish I could say I can't believe anyone would say something so incredibly insensitive, but unfortunately I know all too well how they can! Even my own mom, who has been VERY supportive during my miscarriages & always wanting to help, will often say something stupid & insensitive. The only advice I have is to try and look through it to the original intent, which is hopefully good. Maybe your sister was just trying to acknowledge your losses in a very clumsy way. But wow, that was a terrible thing to say.

Like you I've had multiple losses so I can relate. I know you probably saw my siggy which says I'm expecting, and if I were you I'd probably be thinking "what the heck does she know, she's expecting" which is at least what I would think when I was on this forum and still trying to conceive my first & would see that ticker in people's siggys. Not that I wasn't happy for other people's pregnancies, but I would think, they don't understand what it's like to try and try and still not have a baby... and to wonder if it will ever happen! But we do know... that added worry of never becoming a mommy on top of multiple losses is a double whammy... and we all know it's harder to get up each time we've been hit over and over. You've been hit with compound losses, and naturally you feel pain & jealousy. It's completely normal. And not any fun. I still have a phobia of baby showers & avoid them like the plague. I couldn't watch any TV shows about babies... walk by a baby Gap... etc. I totally understand the jealousy of your sister having a girl - I would feel the exact same way if any of my siblings had a boy, since we don't have any nephews among us.

What I can say is that I've been TTC for a loooong time and in that time, I've seen the majority of people in our shoes on this site all conceive eventually, if they kept with it. It's a very difficult road & every person has a different threshold. Mine was five m/c's - my current pgcy was #5, and when I started bleeding heavily & thought it was over, that was it for me. I started filling out adoption paperwork that day, Christmas day. I will never forget it. So I do understand how hard it is, & I also can at least tell you that there is always hope! And always someone here to talk to on this wonderful wonderful board. Lots of hugs to you.

Me: Lisa, Mommy to twins +1
8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!

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