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EDD(s) approaching... feeling sad

Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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April 25th, 2008, 08:22 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
My EDD with Zhavier was June 1st - so that is getting scarily close. I can't help but think about the fact I'd be around 35 weeks pregnant now, that soon, he would be here with me & Kai - we'd become a family good & proper..... Chances are he'd have been here in about 3 weeks, I would have had a repeat c/s, so he'd have been born around 38-39 weeks. It makes me sad to think that I could be becoming a Mummy again so soon - yet I'm not, I'm wondering if I'll ever have another child, quietly scared of miscarrying or having another ectopic for all my future pregnancies........ Gaby loves babies all of a sudden. We had a drink with my friend who has a 1 month old, a couple of days ago - the whole time Gaby was infatuated by the baby, wouldn't take her eyes off him, wanted to touch him, wanted to play........ Again, it makes me sad to think that within a month, she could have had a little brother to play with... she'd have been a big sister......... Don't get me wrong, I know I'm incredibly lucky to have Gaby - and I love her to bits, can't imagine life without her - but it makes me feel glum to know that I could have been adding even more love to my family soon.... that me & Kai would be adding more love to OUR family........

Kai's son is here for the holidays - he goes home in about 5 days... while his son is here, we can't really spend the night together, so when a cuddle could really come in handy, it's just not available, not as readily as it is when his son isn't down here.... I need a night of being held, and being able to cry - instead I am going to bed at night by myself (in the cold! ###### Autumn)... I do get to see him every 2nd or 3rd day - but it isn't the same when there are time restrictions, and Gaby & C. are around. I've asked if he can come over tonight for a couple of hours - I hope he can. I hate this not living together stuff.... Life would be so much easier if we did. Kai knows that the EDD is coming up, and I warned him that it's likely that I'm going to go a bit...... strange.. for awhile, and he HAS been supportive. I want to suggest that we do something special on the EDD... It's a Sunday, so Stu will be having Gaby for 6 hours during the day, so we could have the afternoon to do 'something'... I don't quite know what. Part of me wants him to suggest something, so it kind of feels as though the grief is shared.... but I know that he won't, because he feels funny about that sort of stuff, and I guess he's a bit unsure about it all.... he lets me lead the way with talking about it etc, which I suppose makes sense, since it's me who is having the hard time with it...... I know that he won't say no, if I do suggest we do something - he'll say yes, and be fantastic, just because that's (luckily for me) who he is.

I have been doing so well lately... About 2 months ago I got put on anti-depressants, and they've been helping a lot - I actually feel normal again, but obviously they aren't good enough to take away all the pain associated with losing my angels - not that I imagined they would! It feels weird to be feeling down again, and I'm at the point where I know I need to cry - but for some reason I can't cry about Zhavier (or the rest of my angels), unless Kai is here to hold me. And the last time I did cry about Zhavier, I cried so much that I scared myself & Kai - and I'm afraid that when I do finally let myself cry, it's going to be like that again (even though I know that time was actually because of my anti-depressants). I always have things planned - what I'm going to say to Kai, how I'm going to explain what I'm feeling - but as soon as he gets here, it all disappears & I can't find the words - so I just sit there saying nothing... and feeling slightly embarassed....... I'll sit crying for an hour, and when he asks me to tell him whats wrong etc - I just can't say a thing... I can't say what I feel....

As it is, I have stupid anniversaries, pretty much for the rest of the year........... except for September & December.
May 28 - Jayden's EDD anni (would be 6th b/day)
June 1 - Zhavier's EDD anni
July 18 - Micah's EDD anni (would be 2nd b/day)
August 30 - Addison's EDD anni

October 21 - Zhavier's angel date
November 2 - Jayden's angel date
November 19 - Micah's angel date
January 6 - Addison's angel date

... blah, i hate seeing it all written down... to remind me what a failure I am...

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April 28th, 2008, 09:24 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
I'm sorry you're feeling so down, Emma. It is a lot harder to go through the grief alone. Sounds like you'll have Kai back soon. He seems like a wonderful man. Maybe one night after Gaby goes to bed one night you could treat yourself to a bubble bath by candlelight or something and just have some time to yourself to relax and have that cry you know you need.

Be good to yourself.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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April 28th, 2008, 07:15 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
It is so normal to have feelings like you do. It's a lot to process. I am sorry Kai can't be with you as much as you need right now. That must make it pretty tough - as if it's not tough enough as it is. I think Kathryn is right...you need to be as good to yourself as you can be - do some extra pampering - do something a little decadent or lavish for yourself. You can also of course always come here & let it all out. It helps even if it's only to vent. I know there were times I wrote every day it seemed & always another vent...but it helped. At least I was letting it out. I hope you are cuddling with Kai before you know it & hugs to you until then!
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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April 29th, 2008, 04:42 PM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,874
Emma I'm so sorry you are having a tough time. I'm sure the fact that Kai is not always available makes it even harder. You might try writing him a letter about how you are feeling if you have a hard time saying it out loud.

If you want to do something for your due date, I think it might bring you some peace, even if it is something simple. I felt very peaceful on Thomas' due date. It was the days leading up to it that seemed so hard.


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April 30th, 2008, 06:17 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
thank you all for your replies & support.

The night that I posted this, I ended up running myself a deep bath & read my book for about 90 minutes. It was lovely - and relaxing. By that time I was feeling a little better as it was (venting here helped a lot), but the bath really did help. I'm thinking I might have another one tonight....

I still haven't been able to spend a great amount of 'alone time' with Kai, but his son leaves today (which I'm kinda sad about!), and he's going to come and stay on Saturday - so hopefully sometime over the weekend we can have a proper talk about things. He knows I'm having a hard time, and I know that he feels a bit lost as to what to say &/or do.... sometimes just a cuddle helps though, y'know...

It's a month today until the EDD.. and I'm trying to just go with the flow, I know I can't stop time, that I can't prevent the EDD from arriving... I do miss Zhavier a LOT right now... This morning after my shower I was drying myself & saw one of the scars from the laparoscopy & started thinking a bit about things.... strange what can jog my memory....

I'm sorry I'm not a very good member of this board I do try to read all the posts.. i jsut find it hard to know what to say sometimes...

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