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I realized something *TTC mentioned*

Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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April 27th, 2008, 09:57 PM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,874
I think I finally realized something.

I have thought for a long time that when I get pregnant again, I just want to love my baby as much as I can, no matter what. Because I realize that if I hold back because of fear, because I am afraid of getting attached, it isn't going to make it hurt any less if I were to lose the baby. Losing your baby hurts and there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for that pain.

And I finally realized...what am I doing with TTC? I am so afraid of not having a baby. Because I think by not getting my hopes up that it is going to hurt less if that IS what happens? If that were to happen, me trying to "emotionally prepare myself" is not going to make it hurt any less. If I were to not ever have a baby, I would be devastated. There is nothing I can do to change that. So there is no point in me being scared of it.

So from here on out I promise I will try to be better. I will refer to it as "when" I have my baby, not "if". I am going to make this happen somehow. I am going to try my best to not be afraid anymore of what the future could (not) bring.

I am going to believe that someday I will hold my baby in my arms and know that this was all worth it. I am stepping out and saying that I will keep trying, no matter what, until my dream comes true.

Hold me to this girls, and thank you for putting up with my crazyness. I am up and down like a roller coaster and I know there will be days when it is hard for me to keep trusting that this will happen.

I am crying my eyes out here. And man oh man, do I hope it is pregnancy hormones.

“Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.”

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April 28th, 2008, 09:50 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
It sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking and figuring out what is still bothering you. I remember going through similar thoughts and making that change in my thinking helped sooooo much. I hope it will work for you, too. When we were trying for Alex, after two losses, I knew that I finally had to give up my "control" of the situation (as if I'd ever really had any) and give it to God. I have a strong faith and wasn't using it in regards to ttc. Once I made that change in thinking/attitude/perspective, it made all the difference.

Hang in there. TTC after loss is never the fun, easy, fearless event that it should be. We're on the rollercoaster with you and will hold your hand or shriek from excitement with you for the whole ride.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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April 28th, 2008, 07:21 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Really - everything you said is all you can do. When you get pg - that will change too - you will have great courageous days without too much worry & then moments that something feels funny for a moment & you freak. It's okay - that is why we are here. You WILL hold that baby - I know it. I can't promise you when - but I feel it is there for you....and you will be so glad you stuck it out. Not only that you are a wonderful, thoughtful loving momma to your angel & you will be that & more to any baby that is lucky enough to someday call you mommy.

And as much as you want me to "hold you to it" - I will be more likely to hold your hand when you are having a tough day rather than boot you in the butt.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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April 28th, 2008, 08:51 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Thunder Bay, ON
Posts: 10,098
I so agree with all of you. I don't have anything to add other than take it one day at a time chica.

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April 29th, 2008, 04:53 PM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,874
Aww, thank ladies. I know I will have bad days and days of doubt, but I know you will all be here to remind me that it will happen.

It truly feels like a relief to feel in my heart that I will hold my baby in my arms someday. As much as I wish I had gotten pg MONTHS ago, I feel like with Thomas' due date behind me and this positive thinking, my heart is 100% ready for another baby now. I think right after the loss of Thomas, I still would have wanted that new baby to be Thomas and now I am okay with the fact that it won't be. It still hurts that I lost him, but I feel like there is a new level of acceptance that wasn't there before. And a new level of readyness for the future.


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