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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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October 31st, 2008, 10:11 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
Can it really be 3yrs ago? On one hand it feels like last month and then when I really look back and think of everything we've been through it seems like a decade ago. 3yrs ago tonight I was told the horrible news that forever changed my life. I had found out I was pg on Oct 22 05. After dealing with infertility and being told we'd most likely never have children, I was utterly shocked to find out I was pg and we weren't even TTC'ing because we had given up. We felt that this was our miracle baby and rejoiced. Our joy was short lived because on Saturday Oct 29 05 I had some brown spotting. I phoned my Dr on Monday Oct 31 05 and she had me come in. She confirmed my pregnancy with a urine test and sent me next door for an u/s. DH & I were excited to see our baby. We were still happy and not worried. I remember our conversations were around how we were going to tell our families and how ecstatic they were going to be.

Little did we know when I had my u/s that things were not okay. I was rushed next door to my Dr and she told me I had a tubal ectopic pg and she was phoning over to the ER that I was on my way. The baby was measuring just over 6wks and my tube was ready to rupture. Hence the spotting. I'll never forget the dread and deep sense of loss I felt. Crying in her office, and the sitting in the car with DH and crying hysterically. We phoned our parent's on the way to the hospital and they found out I was pg at that time. It was horrible. They were excited and sad all at once.

I remember the OB Surgeon coming in and talking to me and asking if we wanted to try again. I remember looking at him through my tear stained face and said absolutely. We've waited for so long. It was then that he suggested I have immediate surgery so he could try to save my tube, repair any damage and fix what he could. I'll never forget being rolled down the hall to the OR. My parent's made it just in time to see me before I went into surgery. I remember crying as my dad leaned over me and said he was so proud of me and that he loved me. My mom couldn't say much since she was crying so much.

DH didn't say much either. He was numb and hurting so much. I remember the hug he gave me and how he said he loved me before I left. I was left outside the OR for a few minutes alone, and I remember reaching down and touching my belly where my baby was. I remember crying out to God asking Him why this was happening and questioning Him as to how it wasn't fair. I remember aching so much and hurting. I was numb and angry. Not to mention scared. I'll never forget laying on the table in the OR and the nurse brushing my hair back and telling it it was okay to cry and to let it out. That they would take good care of me. I still cry to this day thinking back on that day.

Little did I know that Oct 31st 2005 was only the beginning of my recurrent loss journey. I continued to have 2 more losses within the next 9 months. 2005/2006 was the worse time of my life. The pain and grief that I felt was such a burden. I turned into a bitter person and pushed so many people away due to my pain. I've since healed. I still have my 3 scars that are a forever reminder of my 1st child that I carried for 6wks. At least I have that physical reminder. You know something, even after having my DD Makenna almost 2 years later I still long for my babies that I never got to see or hold.

I wonder what they would have looked like. I wonder what they would have been like. I look at Makenna in amazement at the person she is, and the potential her precious life holds. It's for a split second that I feel sadness because I never got to look at my other babies like that. Even now that I'm pg again and things are going well, it doesn't erase what has happened. What was taken away from me. What could have been. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be expecting another miracle, but it's another reminder of what could have been.

I've since healed emotionally and wouldn't change what has happened to me. My losses have allowed me to see life in a fuller context and with a broader viewpoint. I may never know why I went through my ectopic loss. Despite the increased odds of my having another ectopi, I never did. I'm sad that it happened, but know it happened for a reason. It hurts going through it but it's made me the woman I am today, and it's apart of the fabric that is my life. I wouldn't change a thing. As hard as that may to believe.

I'm in a good place now, and thank God everyday for Makenna and this new baby. I know my losses have made me a better mom and I appreciate things so much more. However, certain days still make me stop and reflect. Today is one of those days.
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
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November 1st, 2008, 06:25 PM
DawnN's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: IL
Posts: 4,517
((((hugs)))) This is definitely a club that I wouldn't wish for anyone. I'm sorry that you have to be a part of it too.

"I'm in a good place now, and thank God everyday for Makenna and this new baby. I know my losses have made me a better mom and I appreciate things so much more. However, certain days still make me stop and reflect. Today is one of those days. "

Praising God with you, for His blessings.
Married 8/11/90 ~ Terry Bechor m/c'd 11/26/03, Thomas A. III m/c'd 7/15/04,
Sarah E. born 6/24/05, Tabitha Zipporah m/c'd 4/?/06, Theodore David m/c'd 8/27/06,
Taylor Lynn m/c'd 2/07/07, Benjamin E. born 3/25/08, Catherine A. born 6/03/09

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November 1st, 2008, 09:59 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
You know what really caught me off guard. Just when I thought I was the only person who remembered what Oct 31 05 was, my dad blew me away tonight. We were over at my parent's home for dinner tonight enjoying a delicious turkey dinner. I had no idea why we were having a turkey dinner since we only do so for special occasions.

Well, my Dad held up his glass in a toast and mentioned how he journals every day and asked me if I knew what yesterday was. I said, I don't know what yesterday was for you but for me it was the 3yr anniversary of the loss of my 1st child. He said exactly, and do you know what today is? He said that today was the 3yr anniversary of the OB surgeon telling me that I was completely healthy and there were no signs of PCOS and that we could expect to go on and have the family we always wanted.

I literally teared up at the dinner table. Here my dad had my mom make this special dinner to mark the 3yrd anniversary of the loss of our 1st angel, and he remembered. Just when I thought I was alone. Just when I thought my parent's didn't get it. My dad got it. I'm truly blessed. It's funny, but I never looked at Nov 1st as a good day. I always saw the day marked with gloom but it's not. It was a day of rejoicing. A day I found out my previous infertility issues were gone, I was completely healed and it was comfirmed by a Dr. I now have a good day to add to my days of reflection.
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
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November 2nd, 2008, 02:36 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,708
As I sit here w/tears rolling down my face, I am feeling your pain. It is amazing how you have come thru this journey to be the person that you are today.

Your Dad....I would have been sobbing if either of my parents had done that for me. It is so nice to know that someone remembers.

Your post got to me.....I did not go thru the medical procedures that you have when you lost your first, but emotionally I was right there. Still am on occasions, but the days are getting better.

Hugs to you!!!
4 Angels in Heaven - March 2005, January 2006, January 2008, August 2008

Stella Rae - May 22, 2009, 7lb 3oz, 20in and 4 weeks early!!!

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November 3rd, 2008, 03:25 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Nicole, thank you for sharing your reflections with us. I often find myself looking back over my journey as well & then wondering what lies ahead of me still. I do know that as time passes, they way I see things shifts & changes in ways I never could have predicted. I am glad you are in such a good place right now & am so glad you have another bean on the way. It has been one crazy journey - but at least we have had some amazing women to hold us up along the way - and you certainly have been that for me a time or two or three!
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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November 3rd, 2008, 06:42 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
Beckie...you've definately been one of those women who has helped me along my journey. When I think back to those early days and how we met under the worse circumstances, I'm amazed at where we are. Don't get me wrong. My life isn't filled with sunshine, roses and unicorns, and healing takes the form of different things for different people but it's definately a process. I still grieve for my babies and always will, but the anger has been replaced and I've accepted what happened. To me that's healing. I still think of them often though and have many things around my home to remind me of them.

One of those reminders is a B&W photograph of a stone angel that hangs in Makenna's bedroom over her change table. I put it there to remind me. Well, Makenna has taken an interest in the photo lately and loves to point at it and she screams with delight every time she sees it. I tell her about her siblings everytime she looks at it. I can't wait to hang the angels on the Christmas tree this year.
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
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November 3rd, 2008, 09:36 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Nicole- thank you so much for sharing. i cried through your entire post. i can relate so much. I praise God for your healing, for Mckenna, for that baby in your tummy and for all of our angels. Your dad is so awesome as well! I am so gald I met you and have been able to watch you grow in your journey. Youa re a remarkable woman. (((hugs)))
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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November 9th, 2008, 04:25 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
Anniversaries always make me reflect back on the past x years... I wish that NONE of us had to go through this, it's just not fair

When I think about my losses, I feel weak - but then when I look back on EVERYTHING I've been through over the past 7 years, I realise that I have handled a lot - and I've come out the 'other side' still standing, and it makes me understand that these things, although they hurt horribly, they make us stronger women...

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