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I need a shoulder to cry on.. for a non pregnancy/loss related issue...

Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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November 14th, 2008, 12:31 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
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two years ago my dad was diagnosed with Multiple myeleoma. The disease hasn't progressed, so there's been no treatment, but he was given 10-20 years (he's 54).

Today, my parents were informed my father also has Alzheimer's, and it's bad. On a scale of one to five, he's at a 3. My father has the short term memory of a three year old, you tell him something, and he cannot process it to do it. He knows our birthdays (he even remembered the boys angelversary ) but didn't know today date. They've given him six months to a year before his memory's all gone.

Two years ago I had to deal with the fact that my dad's cancer may take him from me, from his children and his grandchildren. Today I've been informed the cancer is going to kill him, but he's not going to be the father I remember. He's not going to know who I am, he's not going to know his grandchildren when they get here. He's going to be a complete stranger in the next year or so....

I'm shaken. I had to leave work, I cried on the phone to a friend, got one of my ex's so worried he's signed on three times in the last two hours to check on me. I just don't know what to do. I love my dad, and he's so young! Nothing ever goes the way I want it to, nothing's fair for me. I lose three babies, and now I'm going to lose my father!

He asked me two years ago to do a few things for him. Go back to school, write a book, get married, have a baby. In any order. No matter what I do, he's not going to know it.... it's so frustrating! It almost makes me want to give up and consider my future lost.. I just don't know what to do.....

sigh... well at least I feel a little better, had to get it out there....
1798 Days to Conceive our Miracle!
Baby Girl Due August 7th 2017!!

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November 14th, 2008, 04:32 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
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Ashley I am so sorry. Alzheimers by itself is such a devastating dx for anyone & for their loved ones. There are some great online support groups for loved ones of Alzheimers patients & I really think you ought to seek one out in order to assist you in processing everything you are thinking & feeling right now. Plus it will help you to prepare for what lies ahead. You are very right that it isn't fair. So many things seem to be unfair in life. I wish I could make sense of any of it. Please don't let this make you feel like giving up though. You & I both know that is the lat thing your dad would want out of this. That would probably devastate him more than his own dx. In the next few weeks & months the treatments they choose, etc will show whether he is going to respond to treatment. There are some medications that can be very effective in slowing progression (or even showing some improvements) in many patients. It is hard to say what to expect from his progression until they see what he does on the medications. Of course, I will pray that he responds well & they change the prognosis. Until then know that we are here for you whever you need. Much love!
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

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November 14th, 2008, 05:48 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
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Oh Ashley, my heart is breaking for you!!! I have lived thru my grandfather having Alzheimer's and now my favorite grandmother is suffering from it. I will not lie....It is a horrible disease....just horrible. My grandmother is here physically, but that is it. I will offer what support I can to you, but this journey will be very hard for you and your family. I second Beckie....there is a TON of online support groups out there that can offer guidance. Knowledge is power.

As far as the things that your Dad wanted you to accomplish...GO FOR IT!!! Do it for him!!!
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November 14th, 2008, 07:23 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks Ladies. I just woke up (super early for me... since I'm on nights I usually sleep until 1or2pm, but I have to be at the gym an hour away in 3 hours.... and I feel super numb. Like it was all a dream.

Right now we're waiting for him to be referred to specialists. They can't treat him, honestly because we can't afford it. lol... go figure, we live in Canada, have universal health care, and we can't afford it. What ever it is that they want t put him on would cost my parents $5500 a month. Which I found laughable because A-dad hasn't be allowed to legally work because of his cancer (he's a health risk, can bleed to death with a bruise, kinda like hemophilia) and B- even if he'd been working he'd never have made that in a month to start with. So they need to apply for some sort of grant (we have one from the Cancer Society, that provides money for my brothers, because dad not working would have made them give up their extra curricular activities) to see if the government will cover it for us. So now were in the sit and wait period that really really sucks. I feel like all we've been doing is waiting for two years and have gotten no where. His doctor did warn mom that it could be related to his cancer, and by taking him off of work literally cause his brain to die on him, because he went from go go go go for 30 odd years to sit at home and do nothing and his body freaked. I guess it's common, but usually they run tests to help prevent it.. no tests were run. He had a CT done three years ago for something (I think he hit his head at work and they made him get one) and everything was fine, normal.. now he has empty spaces where is brain should be. Sigh, I dunno... I can only go by what mom told me in a 5 minute conversation last night.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed. lol... to be expected eh?

I'll definitely start looking for support sites when I get a few minutes to sit and process it all.....
1798 Days to Conceive our Miracle!
Baby Girl Due August 7th 2017!!

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November 14th, 2008, 09:25 AM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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Oh honey... I am so sorry to hear this about your father. I agree that it's horribly unfair and that you're going through one hell of a lot for one person, more than anyone should ever have to. If it were up to me no one would die so young, or from Alzheimer's, period. My grandfather, who was a wonderful person full of life, everyone loved him and he loved everyone, died from complications of Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's, in my opinion, is a terrible disease because you truly lose the person while the body remains behind. I remember seeing him fly into violent fits of rage and thinking, this isn't my grandfather anymore. I don't know who this person is. He doesn't know me. But, my grandmother told me the way she dealt with it is to remember the good in him, and remember how he loved us all so much, and keep that in her heart because that way he would always live on, and she would carry his memories for him. She also believed some part of him did remember his family, whom he loved so dearly, even if he couldn't express it. I think that's true. Even at his worst, he would still look at family pictures with a smile, so he still kept some memories to himself despite the disease. Another thing that made us all feel better was knowing that we all had a chance to say goodbye while Gpa was still himself. My husband's father passed away suddenly, and it was an absolute miracle that all his 9 kids were able to make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye... everyone was very aware of how it was a gift they were all able to be there so their father could be surrounded by the people he loved in his final moments.

On another note, my mother is starting to exhibit signs of senility. I'm really worried about her. She and I are very close and talk every day, I seriously don't know what I'd do without her, she's my best friend next to my husband. So I can relate on that level, and having multiple losses. If you ever need a shoulder feel free to PM me sweetie.

Me: Lisa, Mommy to twins +1
8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!

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November 14th, 2008, 05:04 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Sweetie, I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Like the others suggested, I think an online support group may help. DF's grandfather has Alzheimer's, but he was pretty far gone by the time I met him. He never has known who I am and never will. I don't have much close experience with the disease, but am here if you ever need to talk.

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Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
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November 14th, 2008, 09:14 PM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,874
I am so sorry, I know that must be so tough. Cancer and now this.
My dad had brain cancer and survived but he now has some pretty bad short term memory loss. It is sad to see someone you love no longer able to function the way they used to.

I hope he is able to get some help somehow.


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