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Having a hard day....

Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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January 4th, 2009, 08:12 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I was lurking in the Multiples board reading a post about how one girls twins (she's having triplets) have two sacs and they'd been concered it was only one. And for some reason I had a vivid memory of my first loss.

My first loss was twins. I found out early on that things were not progressing normally and my doctor was worried. I declined an amnio even when we knew the pregnancy would never result in a baby. My twins were identical with one sac and one joined placenta. Amazing what you can find out early on eh? The risks in having them would have been substantial. But when they told me I was going to lose them, and the spotting started, I gave up.

I'm sitting here at work, not doing anything because there's no one calling in to talk to us right now, and BAMN! a huge flashback to laying on the table during my surgery. I envy those of you who got to have a D&C, because you don't remember it at all... I didn't have that option because I chose to medically terminate mine, I was awake from start to finish.

I don't know where this memory came from, I've had it a few times, and it makes me shaky and feel sick to my stomach (which started 2 days ago, before the memory, but oh well). I'm so upset about it I don't knwo what to do. My last customer asked me if I'd been crying... which I'm not, but I sound very shaky when I do talk.

It's been 3 years 4 months and 11 days since that sugery, and yet I can still visualize every single moment, I even remember what the nurses and doctor look like! Will this ever go away?

Sorry for the rant, but no one else in the world would understand this other than you guys!
1798 Days to Conceive our Miracle!
Baby Girl Due August 7th 2017!!

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January 4th, 2009, 09:32 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. I'm on IM if you need me. (You can also PM me.)

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Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
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January 4th, 2009, 04:37 PM
DoulaMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Florida
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my first miscarriage was twins also, and it was horrible, and so very different then losing just one baby. I'm so sorry. My miscarriage was much the same, I was in the hospital for part of it, and it was so traumatic. I chose to go home , and let my babies leave naturally, rather then to do a D&C. It was hard, but also healing in a way to truely experience it.

I don't think the memories or flashbacks will ever really go away, but I hope they get less frequent for you.
Cheryl, mama to Noah Paul born 12/26/09, wife to wonderful hubby Rob
I am proudly a homebirthing, excluively breastfeeding from the tap, constantly babywearing, bed sharing, attached mama to a high needs baby. He is a part time diaper-free baby!

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January 5th, 2009, 11:41 AM
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I am sorry hun.. No... U will not completely get over the flashbacks.. Coz to this day I have them.. I was not pregnant with twins though and on that part I do not know your pain. And I did not have to make the decision that you had to do...You are one VERY strong woman! Also, I had a D&C... They THOUGHT that I was completely knocked out.. I WAS NOT! I came to on the table DURING the procedure. When he was finished I started crying.. I tried to move my arms to wipe the tears away but I could not.. since they were tied down.The person that applies the pain medication is the one who wiped my tears away for me. .. This still haunts me to this very day.. and it was almost 7 years ago.

Please.. do not take this post wrong.. I am NOT lashing out at you on this.. I am just saying that I do KNOW in SOME way how you feel.. Technically the procedures are the same.. Just named differently.

All together I have had 3 miscarriages.. and they ALL haunt me. Two of them I have miscarried naturally.. but the 2nd miscarriage I still had to have another D&C to make sure I had "passed" everything. I would NOT allow them to send my child off to see what had happened to him/her. That time I did not wake up on the table. Thankfully. The third miscarriage.. I had at home. That happened a few months ago.. I am still wondering what I have done.. If this is some kind of punishment and why in the H*LL is it being taken out on MY BABIES???!!!

Some of the time I can handle looking at pictures of babies.. other days it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can't and I break.

But hopefully.. Someday I can and will be able to think of them and smile and just KNOW that they are safe somewhere. Sounds stupid, I guess.. But Thats all I can hope for.

Many hugs to you hun.. and Please remember we do understand. Not all experiences are the same...But all in all.. We DO/CAN and WILL be here again sweetie!

Bright Blessings to you hun!
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January 5th, 2009, 02:16 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks ladies.. I did get better.. and then had the same flashback today. ugh. NO FAIR.

I have to see a dentist soon, I haven't seen once since that day because the sounds are so similar... I just know I'm going to cry.
1798 Days to Conceive our Miracle!
Baby Girl Due August 7th 2017!!

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