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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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September 22nd, 2010, 03:20 PM
Lex&angels's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: France
Posts: 3,736
Today in my new college course (I'm starting a master's degree) I met 3 girls who seemed nice, we all went out for a coffee after our 3d class.
And the conversation topic turned to "are you with someone/engaged/married?" and then "do you have kids/want them/not want them" etc...
I've decided to just be matter-of-fact about my losses. They're part of me and I'm not ashamed, and it's easier for me to just go out and say it rather than have people try to guess or wonder or whisper or whatever. So S. said that she has a child, so I asked all the "basic questions" and found out she's a 4-year old girl. L. said that she's engaged but not at all ready to be a mom yet, maybe in a few years. And A. is single and not in that stage of her life. I started out by saying that I wasn't going to have kids for awhile, they asked why and so I just said that I'd been pregnant 3 times this year, and that I'm waiting on medical answers. A. sweetly (the intent was obvious, and she's never been there so I took it as such) told the story of her cousin who TTC for 10 years before finally getting pregnant and having her miracle baby. I took it the way she meant it, as a story of hope, and thanked her. I did point out that the situation is different though, but nicely. L. said she was sorry to hear that. And she was very sweet.

S., however (the one with the living child) went on to say that SHE miscarried before having her daughter, once, and it was because she was taking meds that you're not supposed to take during pregnancy and didn't realize she was until she miscarried, but it was "ok" since she got pregnant with her daughter immediately. She then proceeded to lecture me about how parenting is "so hard, all-consuming, a 24-hour job" and how it'll "happen for me when the time is right".
She's not even with the father of her child anymore, she's with some other dude, and she's in the SAME university program as me. She was also taking dangerous medications during her pregnancy, and she DARES TO TELL ME that I'm losing my babies because of bad timing in my life situation??? OMG I have an AMAZING marriage, a STRONG one, we have a NICE place, SHE can obviously go to college AND be a mom too, so why couldn't I?
I then told her that I actually have an immune problem. She replied that "exactly, wait until the time is right and it'll happen". Like, she's assuming it's just going to go away? ***? So rude.

OMG I don't think S & I are going to be friends.

Thankfully L. noticed I was very offended and changed the conversation. I L. already.

Sorry for the (long) rant.

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September 22nd, 2010, 03:50 PM
MommytoaMiracle's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 10,571
I'm so sorry she was so harsh about it. People are so very clueless & I try to treat them as such.
I would have hit her for you if I was there

I'm glad you & L hit it off...Everyone needs that girlfriend who has their back!
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September 22nd, 2010, 04:03 PM
tiggers_best_buddy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 7,860
Some people just need to be hit. I am glad that L and you clicked right away, we all need friends that have our backs.
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September 22nd, 2010, 05:32 PM
Missing's Avatar Regular
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 89
Ugh, I think it's even harder when somone who already has children is so insensative. I'm sorry that she was so naive, but I'm glad L was sweet and helped you out. Hopefully it's the start of a long friendship with her :-)
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September 22nd, 2010, 07:35 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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*hugs* I'm sorry S was so horrible. Glad L was perceptive though!

Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
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September 22nd, 2010, 07:46 PM
JessP's Avatar Lovin life and family
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Location: Washington
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Glad you made one new friend . Sorry the other girl was a dingbat. I would stay away from her or slap her lol.

Thanks .:Shortcake:. for my great siggie

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September 22nd, 2010, 08:25 PM
austinmommy3's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 2,056
Sorry that S was rude, but so glad that L was intuitive enough to shift conversation!

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September 22nd, 2010, 10:06 PM
ambee's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 5,740
I don't understand people sometimes. I really don't. If you don't know anything about someone's situation, then keep your dang mouth shut. It bothers me when people presume to understand how you're feeling because they've had one miscarriage. Not to undermine any loss, because they're all traumatic, but it's a whole different ballgame when you've had several.
Secondly, it's also completely asinine to lecture a woman who's had trouble conceiving or keeping their babies how hard parenting is. It's obviously no piece of cake, but as a woman who's had several losses I wouldn't trade the hard parts of parenting for anything in the world. The fact that she thinks that imparting her "parenting wisdom" on you would be a deterrent to having children just proves why some people should need a license before having babies.
Off my soapbox now. That just really, really irks me and makes me mad for you. Chin up Lex, try and remember that there are a lot of dumb people out there that should be thanking their lucky stars they've never had to fight for what they want more than anything in the world.


*Thank you so much to Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy!*

Sophie Lucille: In my life for a moment, in my heart for a lifetime. May 25th, 2006 at 16 weeks.
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