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Where is Dh in all of this?

Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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June 19th, 2006, 07:41 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Has he been supportive in getting testing?

Does he want to TTC again?

Is he understanding of most of what you are trying to deal with?


Joel is supportive in the testing aslong as it's not him.
He says he's cooperating, bt it was pulling teeth to get him to do a stupid blood sample. I know he passes out easy & that bothers him..but geesh. We mc'd in Aug & he didn't get his bloodwork done until the end of December...3 months after I had the lab slips.
But he's great about taking me & being there in that way...thank goodness.

He does/doesn't want to TTC again - I know he does eventually - but he seems to flip/flop a bit.

He is pretty understanding most of the time. He agrees with me on it a lot - even if I'm not always sure he means it (like when I express how annoyingit is when someone else gets pg...he agrees).
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
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June 19th, 2006, 07:48 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
My Dh is pretty cooperative especially lately and he always agrees with me when someone gets pg around us and I tell him it's annoying...it's hard though because there is genuiniely a difference between us in how we handle this whole process. he relies on hsi faith a lot to bring him confort...i believe in God and try to have faith it's just so ahrd to accept that His plan may not include children for us...Dh seems ok with that, I do not in the least.

the one thing he is procrastinating on is freezing his spermies...I even told the dr today to get after him on that...he did and DH says he will do it this week...yeah i've heard that a hundred times before!

how is it that I'm willing to practically install a revolving door on my vagina and he can't just give a little in a cup? UGH! Men...
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

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June 19th, 2006, 08:05 PM
lizard's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 5,480
DH has been supportive of getting testing. I'm the one that isn't so sure about doing it. However, since we haven't started the testing process and he doesn't know what all is involved, I'm not sure that he will continue to be so supportive. He hates doctors and if he would find that HE has to have testing on him also, then I am not so sure that he would be wanting the testing to be done.

He wants to TTC again, but I think he fears losses more than I do.

He is understanding for the most part. He has seemed to take the losses harder in the beginning than I have, although I cry mostly when I am alone so he hasn't seen so much of how they have effected me. I think that it helps that we have been married for so long. I think that it would be much more difficult if we hadn't been together for so long before the losses.

10/31/05 (EDD 5/15/06), 4/17/06 (EDD 11/13/06)
Chemical p/g 1/11/08

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June 19th, 2006, 08:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,667
My DH is a great, great man. I didn't even realize this at the time I married him. I can't even put my feelings for him into words, he's that wonderful. He's always there for me.

He hasn't had any testing done, mainly because I didn't ask him. Plus, I have been getting pregnant, so I'm obviously ovulating, and he obviously has sperm, and they are obviously meeting. I think the problem is genetic, which can't be fixed, or lies with something about me not being able to keep a pregnancy.

I don't think he really wants to keep trying, but he probably will if I talk to him about it. He really wants a bigger family too, but I think he is getting a little tired of the miscarriage disappointments.

He is very understanding and very supportive. He does get annoyed if I belabor a point, but like I said above, he's a great guy, and I am so glad I picked him to marry.

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June 19th, 2006, 09:20 PM
srs srs is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
What a loaded question! My DH is a combination of a few others here. I know that he truly cares about me, and he wants to help me heal, but he almost never talks about how he is feeling. A lot of the time I get the impression that the losses just didn't get to him as deeply, but I'm not sure that's fair. I think he's probably in denial a good bit. He cried a lot the first two days after I mc two weeks ago, and then on the third days he said, "Well, I think I've done my grieving." Glad to hear it only took two days. I was still in shock.
I also think he is terrified of more losses, so I don't know when he will be ready to ttc again. He told me he didn't think he could deal with another loss. I'm afraid that I can talk him into trying for a third time, but I won' be able to talk him into a fourth time if something goes wrong.
I also think I've had to be stronger than he has in a lot of this. When I mc'd this last time, I was the one who kept the fetal tissue and took it to the doctor the next day, and I covered it up so he didn't have to see it. He told me he didn't want to see it because it was too upsetting.
Of course, we are in the very early part of the process (again), and I don't want to come off sounding too negative. We had some strain on our marriage for about a month the first time, so I guess we're still in that again right now. Mostly I just get annoyed that his grief tends towards escapism - for example, he's spent all night on the computer watching idiotic videos on the internet. That's the last thing I want to see right now.
I'm sure it will be fine. We've got a great marriage, and the rest of it is doing fine. It's just a bit awkward right now. I don't think he'll have a problem going for testing. I thnk he just doesn't want to get hurt again.

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June 20th, 2006, 06:25 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,708
Beck - What great questions!!!

I will say this...I have found that men, in general, deal w/ m/c differently than women.

That said....
Has he been supportive in getting testing?
When the dr. first told me that she wanted us to go see a fertility specialist, I told her that I would talk w/DH about it. Dr. and I talked about it during my annual exam, so DH wasn't there. DH was ok w/the idea....but not overly excited. Me on the other hand was over the moon. The thought that we could possibly find out why our babies were not making it was a great comfort to me. I guess fortunately, we never had to make the appt.

Does he want to TTC again?
After both losses, DH was adament that he wanted to wait to TTC. The first one we waited a couple of months. After the 2nd loss, he was even worse. He took the second loss worse than the first. My DH is a big guy...a guy's guy. When we found out the baby didn't have a hb, DH cried and cried. I felt sooooo bad for him. I have this big, strong husband, and there is he pouring his heart out.

Is he understanding of most of what you are trying to deal with? Very much so.....I am not so sure that he completely understands what I am going thru, but he is always there for a hug, which is just what I need from him. He just lets me cry on his shoulder.....

The whole experience is something that I wish DH and I never had to go thru. But, I do think that it makes you appreciate and love your spouse even more than you ever did.

4 Angels in Heaven - March 2005, January 2006, January 2008, August 2008

Stella Rae - May 22, 2009, 7lb 3oz, 20in and 4 weeks early!!!

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June 20th, 2006, 09:38 AM
jessjillmama's Avatar ***Staying Positive***
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Coushatta, La
Posts: 7,892
Has he been supportive in getting testing? We aren't getting any testing.

Does he want to TTC again? No of course not. Our situation is a bit different then most of yours. This is our first loss as a couple. My 1st m/c was 10 years ago as a very young teen and with a different man. We already have a special needs son that has a genetic brain disorder as well, which means with every pregnancy we have a 1 and 4 chance of having another child with this same issue. So getting my dh to TTC has been a 2 year battle. We finally tried just once officially (been pulling out for the last 2 yrs) and we got pregnant to only have a m/c of course. We even almost went on Dr. Phil for this issue but they decided to go another way with the show. I have battle with him, to do adoption, sperm donor, anything to have another child that is healthy. He won't do it. He only wants to do it with his sperm and my egg. I do to really but fear another unhealthy child of course.

Now since this m/c of course he is saying we are never going to try again. I am trying to be patient and give it time. Sometimes I wonder though if we will survive all of this.

My dh is not the sweet dh like you all have. Most the time he unsupportive and a jerk. Although I do love him and love that he is a joker it gets old. The whole week after my d&c he made fun of me for not feeling good in being in pain. I even told him I really need your support and need you to be nice this next few weeks but he hasn't done it so far. Sorry I am sort of going into a rant that doesn't belong here.

Is he understanding of most of what you are trying to deal with?
I don't feel he does at all.
Wife to Brian since October 2004, Mama too:
Jakob (May 12th 2004- Feb. 24th 2009 Had Joubert Syndrome RIP)
2 Baby beans lost
Ava Sept 14th 2007, Beaux Oct 3rd 2012
* Tubal reversal December 17th 2010

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June 20th, 2006, 12:56 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 3,742
My husband has been super suportive through everything. I can't be more happier. His only fault, and I can't really say it's a fault, is that he is so optimistic each time we TTC. This time I have been testing him on my fertility treatments, to make sure he is more involved than just getting me pregnant. ie. I asked what clomid does, and he answered it to the T. He has been going to all my appointments, and ask questions to.
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June 20th, 2006, 02:27 PM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Despite my rants on the original loss board, DH has been incredibly supportive. After the most recent loss, he took over everything house/DS related so I wouldn't have to think about it. He assumed I'd want time to myself and made it happen (wish he'd asked me about that one - bad assumption). We've been talking a lot lately and I've learned that he was scared that when I went for the d&c that he'd lose both of us, either during surgery or with a diagnosis like cervical cancer. That really shook me up. I'm trying to be better about telling him what I need and when and hoping that we'll come out of all of this stronger than we went in.

Doc said we don't need testing. We're getting pg on our own very quickly, the genes just aren't mixing right. The 2nd m/c was tested and determined to be due to trisomy 16. Doc said that likely was the problem with the first m/c as well. So, we'll ttc again and hope/pray for a better outcome.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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June 20th, 2006, 03:29 PM
1234rachael's Avatar Super Mommy
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Hi, Beck

I know how you feel about DH-- Mine was the same way- he was supportave etc... but he didn't want to have anything to do with dropping a sample in a cup. I too had to push him into getting a simple blood test. He kept saying, ""lets just ttc again, we don't have to go thru all this crap??!!" I was like hay
Just get the blood test will ya!!

Good luck with dh- men can be difficult sometimes & supportiave at the same?!
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June 20th, 2006, 06:50 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 2,667
My DH is REALLY into all this trying. Every time I've gotten pregnant he's been happy, and then looked briefly disappointed. "I guess this means no more trying," he would mumble, or something like that. I think that might be how I get him back on board if I do get some courage to try again.

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June 21st, 2006, 08:01 PM
Kiwi*Mummie*of*4's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Has he been supportive in getting testing? In april of this year we went to see our doctor to talk about our fertility problems and he had said that beacuse I had two healthy children that there were only a few things we could try because we didnt qualify or we werent considered high risk so he put us on a basal temp chart and hubby had a script to have his spermies tested and I thought he would refuse to go have the test but he said he would and I thought that was great. Every morning he would make sure I woke up at 7am to take my temp. He would bd when I asled him to although as the months went by he started to get a little annoyed at the pressure of having to bd all the time.

As for TTC he is the one who wanted to continue to try I used to get discaouraged every month when I got a BFN.

Is he understanding of most of what you are trying to deal with? He is and was great he tried to understand how I felt and was always there to help me. Even now that Im 11 weeks pregnant he always asks how I am and if I need anything. He is a caring guy and if anything was to happen to this baby he would be totally shattered and it would break my heart to see him so sad.

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June 26th, 2006, 11:43 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
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DH is very supportive and optimistist about having a child one day. The 2nd loss really hit him hard though but has made him want a child that much more. He actually asked me when he was "on deck" as we call it when I'm O'ing and schedule the BD.

When a friend called to gloat that she was pg DH got upset and angry after I got off the phone with her. He's so frustrated that people get pg and don't think twice of the miracle that it truly is, or take it for granted.

DH is fine with testing and has done plenty of tests on his swimmers. He's committed to doing whatever it takes to conceive and knows that I have to endure a whole lot more than he'll ever have to. He figures with his little bit part in the process he might as make the most of it and go along with everything with no complaints and make the best of the situation.

In all of this...he's come out with an awe of how much a miracle a baby truly is and doesn't take it for granted anymore. Then again, I did marry a guy who is more sensitive then that average guy and sometimes joke that him and I are opposite in that I deal with things like a guy would and he deals with things like a woman would. It really helps to balance things out in our relationship and I love that we're so different and deal with things like this. I truly am blessed to be with him and realize that more and more with each event that takes place.
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June 30th, 2006, 08:34 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 2,423
Every last one of my 8 pregnancies occurred without TTC, so there doesn't seem to be a problem with that, but at one point we weren't able to do that and we had some testing done. I had lots of blood tests and also the HSG x-ray and even had a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy so my Dr. could "look around" and see if there was anything wrong. My Dh was there for everything, but as far as testing in concerned all he had to do was "jerk off in a cup". To me that was the least he could do after seeing everything I had gone through, after all how bad could that be? He was there to hold my hand and talk me through the m/cs (4 of which included laboring and naturally expelling the fetal tissue before a D&C could be done) and through the surgeries.

My TTC situation is different than most of you, I will not be TTC again. I am done having children. My DH and I decided that I had been through enough (including a 22 hour labor with our first son and 12 hours with our last) so he will be having a vasectomy this summer. I considered MAYBE having one more, but then I thought about the prospect of another loss in my attempt and decided not to. So since I went through all the medical procedures in having our children, it was his turn to prevent us having more.

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