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This is totally off topic, but I need to vent!

Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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June 28th, 2006, 08:02 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Hi ladies, ok here's the deal. We're having a party to celebrate our marriage which happened on 3/17...kinda like a late reception. It's in a few weeks. The invites went out and we stipulated "adult s only" because of the type of party it's going to be...we have limited space for only 100 people, we paid the additional charges to serve a very nice dinner, have wine on the tables, and an open bar. Well I'm getting backlash of course...first my mother whom insisted my cousin must bring her children and so does my sister (mind you we went to a wedding a few weeks ago and my sister had no problem finding a baby sitter and said she did so because "it's an adult party and I don't want the groom paying such an expensive amount for my kids who won't even eat the dinner"...but yet to me she doesn't care). My mom finally stated she would pay for the children so I gave in. Then last night I got a very long e-mail from DH's aunt(by marriage) whom I met once 2 years ago for probably 30 min...the e-mail went on and on about how she can't believe we're not allowing children and what are they suppose to do, blah blah...she further made it worse informing us that DH's g-ma was coming (whom we didnt invite because DH hates her) and also commented on some of the issues we are having with DH's family. Recently (with out making this a really long story) Dh's sister and I had a huge arguement and then 3 days later she came out with some disgusting, horrible untrue accusations. I don't want to give all details but his mother and brother essentially took her side and so we have stopped talking to them completely. Please believe me when I say it's "cut them out of our lives" worthy. Now no one knows the whole story because we don't think it's anyone's business but this freaking woman writes me, essentially judges me and says "do you want to start your life before God united or divided with your family"? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
So DH is gonna call his uncle and discuss this with him. I couldn't even sleep last night. I told Dh I do not need this right now with planning this party, working oertime to get days off for the surgery, and having surgery on Friday! Plus dealing with all the emotions that come along with the surgery...brings up so much about the m/c's, the last surgery, etc... if I had more energy and less really important things in my life than maybe I could take the time to appease this woman...but I don't! Believe me when I say I am not doing this because I don't like kids (you all know me I want one so badly) but I am a believer of some events being for adults, like an elegant dinner with alcohol. Also the issue is that there is such limited space...do we want to sacrifice a friend whom is greatly involved in our lives and who would enjoy celebrating with us in order to have Dh's half uncle's 3 and 5 yr old there????
I know some people get "offended" about this kind of thing but you know, It's our party, we're paying for this 100% ourselves and breaking ourselves to do so. There are so many people that have added to our lives, helped support us through all our ups and downs...who will continue to be a major part of our lives, THATS who we want at this party....and unfortunately many of his family memebers have chosen to not be in that group, hence the non-invites to begin with.
Anyway I hope you all don't think I'm some greedy, child hating, mean woman...i swear I'm not. If we had more money and more space it wouldn't be such a big deal. but we don't. And afterall isn't this suppose to be our day?
Thanks for listening...I have really enjoyed this board and all the feedback that comes through here so that's why I chose to post here. Even if you'll don't answer it just helped to vent...I hope you don't mind?
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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June 28th, 2006, 08:32 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Wow, you've got a lot of emotional stuff going on right now and EACH of them is enough by itself! So first,

The only thing that jumps to mind as a suggestion is to choose a house or rent a hotel room and a couple of babysitters, and provide movies, pizza, and popcorn for them. Your mom offered to help, so maybe she could pitch in for this? You could really ask anyone forcing the kids issue to pony up for part of that. Then the kids get a party, too, but everyone gets to have fun in an atmosphere that suits them best - adults only and kids only.

I'm sure you'll find the right way to handle it. My DH's family has some of the same sorts you're dealing with and we finally decided that we really don't care if they get p***** off, because they're not worth our time or energy. That was easy for him, HUGE for me to do, but it was necessary and helped so much. Given the nature of the original issue, I wouldn't feel a bit bad telling them where they can go and what they can do with themselves, if you truly don't want a continuing relationship with them.

OK, hope that helped some and didn't just get you riled up more instead. I'm sure the other ladies will have some great suggestions for you.
Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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June 28th, 2006, 05:09 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Well - I would WANT to tell them all to go &*^*&^&((**&^!!!!....but.....this is what I would PROBABLY do...

I would say, I appreciate that every person/family has it's challenges & I understand that som epeople may choose not to attend wihtout their children, but we didn't choose all hte details of this party lightly & it is something we discussed & it is the decision we made for many reasons. I would even call your mom back & ask what she has said at this point to your cousin & your sister. If she hasn't said anything to them about it being okay - I would tell her not to. I would then call them both (or email - depending on the relationship)..telling them basically what I wrote above - you want them there, you are sorry it is inconvenient for them to get sitters, you understand if they cannot attend, but that this is the way you want to celebrate your wedding & although you knew it may be a bit harder for some, it is truly the way you envisioned your party & was not intended to exclude anyone, but rather to allow for you to invite as many people as possible that have been such a great support to you both & to have them with you at such an important event. As important as hte children are, they seldom have any memory of these events & would be just as happy to see you there as htey would at any other time.

For the aunt - I would email back thanking her for her worry over the state of things with N's family. Tell her that you can hear in her email that her heart is in the right place & that she is speaking from her own understanding of the situation. Assure her that you & N are not taking anything lightly & that whatever happens with his family, will be handled within the family & in it's time. That although weddings may be a "good time" for the "photo op" reunion....the party is a party for you 2 & it isn't a venue to hash out family problems or to push a reunion that no one is ready for. Things will heal (or they won't...but don't say that ) in their own time. I would also say that although you appreciate that she felt it was ac good idea to invite Gram, that you have gone over your guest list extensively based on budget & space & that you have sent out invites to all the people you have the availability to invite. Say it would be wonderful if you could afford to invite the world, but unfortunately space constraints & budgetary concerns have limited you to a specific number of guests.

If anyone else has any comments htey want t make - I think you should tell them time is money & money talks...so as soon as they pull out a check book - your all ears. I LITERALLY said that so much when I was planning my wedding, people finally shut up. Can you believe I had to listen to grief repeatedly before my wedding over stupid details - like we weren't having cake....and decided on Czech pastries instead. Cake??? People just like to complain & seem to forget it's a party they are being INVITED to....if they don't like it - they should stay home. IMHO

Do what want girl - you can't make everyone happy - no matter how hard you try & if you do try to do that, you loose your own happiness in the mix.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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June 28th, 2006, 07:48 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
FAMILY!!! Grrr....

It's your party and your special event that you guys are celebrating and have "choosen" to invite them because of what they mean to you guys. If they don't like it...they don't have to go. I can't believe people would actually say something like that.

I say ignore them and go ahead with what you've planned. It's sounds amazing and I can't wait to see some pictures!
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
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