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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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July 4th, 2006, 02:54 AM
Chunky Monkey's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Sylvania Township, Ohio
Posts: 22,176
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I wanted to introduce myself. After a wonderful chat with Beckie I realized I belong in here also.
My name is Holly. I am 27 years old. I am married to Scott, who is 32. I have 3 beautiful babies I love with all my heart. I have also have had 1 ectopic, 2 m/c's. Ectopic was in 1996. M/C 1 was in 1999 with twins and M/C 2 was just this past Feb. I grieve for these babies I lost. Mainly because I was never able to grieve when I was supposed to. In 1996 I was going through a nasty divorce. In 1999 my MIL told everyone at their family reunion I had to have my appendix removed because SHE was ashamed of me being pg when DH & I were not married. This last one, DH won't even talk to me about. He acts like it never happened. I know denial is his way of dealing but mine is to talk about it. I am not going to go into the stories right now because it is late but I will here real soon.
I am pg right now with my 4th but status is unknown right now. I am spotting and cramping. I am scared to death of what might happen. DH keeps telling me everything is fine but I am a realist. This is not the first time I have been through this before. This time I did everything right. I am in the process of quitting smoking (I am down to about 5 a day compared to a pack a day I was smoking), limiting my caffeine, taking vitamins and folic acid, taking my metformin for PCOS and eating better.
I did have spotting and cramping with my last child but I was also scared to death.
I just wanted to introduce myself. Beckie, thank you so much for the encouragement to join this group! I feel if I can talk to other people who have had multiple losses, I might be able to heal a little bit from it. It never goes away but maybe after a little bit of time the days might get a little better.
Thank you KimberlyD0 for my absolutely beautiful siggy!

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July 4th, 2006, 08:07 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Northern Colorado
Posts: 2,423
Welcome and congrats on your current pg and a big happy anniversary to you and your DH! My DH and I were also married on July 3.
my story is posted here just in case you would like to know my background. There are also other stories you might like to read, there are so many of us.

visit my blog Rhondas random thoughts
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July 4th, 2006, 09:09 AM
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 371
Just wanted to welcome you to the group and give you a little encouragement.. Try to see your Dr ASAP re: the cramping & spotting. I could say "try not to worry" but also know that when I started cramping last week, there was NOTHING that could make me stop worrying. (I've lost 2 pregnancies, and am currently carrying twins) And even seeing my Dr has left me in a kind of limbo.. So it kind of feels to me that there's nothing I can do to stop it, and there's nothing I have done wrong that would cause it..

It makes complete sense that you're scared, just as it makes complete sense that you're still trying to grieve the losses of your angels.. It sounds like you're holding quite a bit of guilt and shame around losing them, too. And although saying "It wasn't your fault" isn't going to make you stop beating yourself up for it, I wanted you to know that it isn't your fault that you've lost them. Hopefully, as you hear that more and more, you'll be able to internalize it and start to heal. You've come to a great place to get some support. So try to keep your chin up and let us know what's happening when you can.

Also, HollyF AND VegasMom-- Happy Anniversary!
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<span style="font-familyalatino Linotype">"I wish you knew how much you changed all our lives. But I know someday you'll see, if only through heaven's eyes."
I'll always love you, Lori.</span>
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July 4th, 2006, 10:53 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
Hi and welcome!

I'm so sorry for your losses but wanted to say Congrate's on your pg and wish you all the best. I can completely understand what you're going through right now (I also had an ectopic and m/c). While I've yet to carry a baby to term, I don't think I'll relax until I have my precious little one in my arms.

Happy Belated Anniversary!!!
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
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July 4th, 2006, 11:21 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Holly- i am so glad you decided to join us. This is a wonderful group of thoughtful, insightful, and compassionate women...we have bonded quickly in the short time this board has been up and running....we welcome you with open arms.
I am sorry for your losses...each one is it's own heartache and yet they can all muttle into one huge one too. I am sorry that people haven't given you the due respect (MIL and DH) to grieve. It soudns to me as well (as someone else already pointed out) that there seems to be a lot of guilt around your losses. I remember feeling guilty too...I remember thinking of every bad thing I had done in my life and wondering if this was payback...if this was happening to me because of this or that. I felt guilty that my body didn't sustain these precious lives. i felt guilty that I couldn't figure out what to do or what was wrong. I just felt guilty.
Much of that guilt has subsided now...it creeps in here and there but for the most part, learning and accepting that God does not punish us with our unborn was one of the biggest revelations i came too. I also wrote my babies and letter and apologized to them...to many that would seem silly but for me it was ground breaking. Putting down on apper was like making them real and expressing my apology lifted a weigth off of me I coudln't explain...soon after I wrote that I had an image of Jesus holding my latest baby in his arms and the other 3 souronding him...it was joyous and bitter sweet all at the same time.
I kinda got off on a tangent there but I guess the jist is, you can and will be free of this guilt throughout your mourning process which it doens't seem you ahve had yet. Carrying this around must be so difficult. please use this as your safe place to let it out. We will never judge. I can honestly say that there is not a post I ahve read on this board yet that isn't from a loving heart.
I also want to acknowledge your fear and validate that your "happy" pg experience has been robbed from you from your first loss....i truely belive that after a loss you are never again that blissful pg woman so many moms are...and that's ok. Hold tight to faith though sweetie. Anything can happen and anything includes your baby being healthy.
you are in my prayers.
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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July 4th, 2006, 12:44 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Holly - I am so glad to see that you posted. I know you will find the women here to be very loving & supportive & I think it is so important for you to have a safe place to express all of the feelings you have surrounding the loss of your babies. People say time heals all wounds, but it does not. It is what you do in that time that heals the wounds & if you are never given the respect, validation, and room to grieve, those wounds can never truly close. Of course we will all carry the scars of a broken heart, but by sharing this journey & being heard, we can begin to find closure & a better sense of peace in our hearts. I still wish others understood better, but I have come to a place of truly treasuring the women here, their kindness, compassion, and love in a way that makes it okay that the world doesn't understand. I have a place I am understood & it is what has made me whole again. I will never be who I used to be & that is okay too. I am better in ways, quieter in ways, louder in other ways, I am the new me - battle scars & determination & occassionally some saddness. But I feel whole. I don't feel the same - but that is okay with me. I don't want to be back there truly. I wish I didn't suffer to get here - but I feel a better understanding in many ways - like my eyes are clearer - my heart is more fierce, like I have some through some rough patches & I do feel stronger in many ways. There weer LONG periods of time on the journey where I never thought that would be true. All I felt was beat down, broken, & weakened by the heartbrake. Thankfully in time I have found a better footing & in no small part due to the love & support I found here. I hope you find htis group to be as loving & healing as I have - welcome.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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July 4th, 2006, 07:34 PM
srs srs is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
I'm glad you joined us, and I'm very sorry about your latest loss. I hope you find this to be a helpful, healing place.

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