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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss


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July 19th, 2006, 08:19 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 18,680
I haven't been around as much and the break has been two-fold. Our internet provider at home has been down since Thursday and my only internet connection right now is at my office, and it's been a rough few days for me and I haven't had the emotional energy to post or come here.

I okay and kinda holding out for a little bit of hope since my symptoms were still there and I had no spotting or cramping, but on Monday that all changed. I lost my symptoms overnight and I started to cramp. Then around noon I started to bleed and passed a few clots over the past 2 days. The cramps haven't been bad and since I have Endo I have a high pain tolerance to begin with. The bleeding is like a heavy AF right now but I'm waiting for a gush or something. It's only been the occasional clot and bleeding on the heavy side but I know the worse is yet to come. I've resolved myself into accepting the fact that we've lost our precious little one.

For some strange reason I'm handling this better than I thought I would. I'm so angry and hurt though and feel like this has gone from a sad situation to a cruel situation. When I spoke to my doctor last week and she gave me my HCG results I asked her if there was anything I could do or if there was another doctor I could see, and she said you have you Gynie appointment in October and that's it. Hopefully he can help you.

Well I didn't like that answer so on Friday morning I called our old fertility specialist and we have an appoinment on Aug 15th! I'm relieved to know that they classify recurrent m/c as a fertility issue and I didn't need another referal from my family doctor. So there's a bit of hope and I pray we find out why I keep m/c. This RE has here own lab and u/s clinic so there won't be any waiting for appointments and everything is done in-house.

I'm still going into work everyday but playing things by ear. If the pain gets too bad I will head home, but right now it just feels like a regular AF. Besides...I need to keep busy or else I don't know what I'll do.

Ironically, the day that the bleeding started was the day I went for my 3rd HCG test. I got a call from my doctor's nurse who told me the doctor wanted me to go for another HCG test next monday, but when I asked her if she knew what the this week's test revealed she didn't know. So I can only assume that my levels dropped again, but why wouldn't the doctor call me like she had the other times. I'm getting so frustrated with her and the miscommuncation, but there's a huge doctor shortage in my area and around 40,000 people in my city are without a doctor so I don't really have the option to switch right now.

So there you have my life in a nut shell. I'm tired, hurting, emotionally drained and extremly ticked-off! I hate the fact that I appear strong because people now know that I can handle difficult situations but I can only take so much and I'm starting to feel alone. DH is driving me nuts. Because I'm strong he's not taking this loss as hard and it's business as usual for him, but he forgets that I've never had a natural m/c and it's a very long and drawn out process. The previous 2 losses I had surgery and it was over with quickly and I could get onto the emotional healing, but now I still have to deal with the physical side effects and can't even begin to think about emotional healing until m y body is done with what it needs to do. I still haven't really had a chance to grieve the last loss from May.
Thank you Claire1977 for my adorable siggy
For the special little one in your life!
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July 19th, 2006, 08:47 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Oh Nicole, i am so sorry to hear all of this. I can't help but feel like this is a cruel, cruel situation as well...the hopes, the heatache. I will never understand why....
I can relate to people thinking you're strong and not giving you the support you need right now. i've come accross this often myself...after my 1st loss inparticular. It wasn't until I delved into a deep derpression did anyone realize what a toll this has all really taken on me.
The only advice I can give is to tell people you need them right now. It's hard to do I know. it makes you feel vulnerable and weak...but sweetie you are anything but...to live with so much pain and loss, superwoman herself couldn't do this alone. let your DH know you're scared fo the natural m/c...i would be too. Let him know how much this is affecting you physically and emotionally. Perhaps let your boss know too.
We're here for you but I would love for you to have some IRL support too. You are in my prayers. Again, I am so sorry.
Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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July 19th, 2006, 09:32 AM
StephLS's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 653
Thank you for letting us know what's going on Nicole. You and your dh remain in my prayers. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this again. And that your doctor has been not so great to deal with. I know how frustrating that is! Good luck with your appt with your specialist on the 15th. Keep us posted as you feel up to it. We're here for you if you need us.

Take Care!

Married to Eric since June 25, 2005
mom to
3 Angel babies and Ryan and Rachel
Ryan born 6-18-08
Rachel born 3-20-10
Baby boy due on 2-24-14

Everything Good comes on time - we just don't know when that time is.
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July 19th, 2006, 09:35 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Midwest
Posts: 10,732
Oh no...I'm so, so sorry, Nicole. Please tell your husband how you're feeling, how you're scared. Natural m/c is very different from d&c, both physically and emotionally, especially if you've never been through it before. And having back to back losses is incredibly difficult, I've been there, too. The grief seems to multiply with the second one in a row.

I wish I could be there to give you hugs and a shoulder to cry on. Instead I'll continue to pray for you. Please know we're here for you anytime. I hope your home internet is up and running soon.

Do not sorrow; the joy of the Lord is your strength." Neh. 8:10
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July 19th, 2006, 12:24 PM
lizard's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 5,480
I am so sorry that you have to go through this again, and within such a short amount of time. Please let your DH know what you need from him. He may see things differently than you do, as in it is a 3rd m/c and not a different experience being that this is your first natural m/c. I will keep you in my prayers.

10/31/05 (EDD 5/15/06), 4/17/06 (EDD 11/13/06)
Chemical p/g 1/11/08

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July 19th, 2006, 06:20 PM
srs srs is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 2,421
Nicole, thanks for updating us, and I'm so sorry for you. I find natural mcs to be psychologically hard to take (although I have nothing to compare it to) because you don't know when it's going to end. I'm glad you made the decision to go back to the old doc - you deserve whatever answers they can give you, not any garbage about waiting until October. Good luck,

Need Breastfeeding Support?

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July 19th, 2006, 06:25 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Sweetie I am so sorry. I can hardly believe you are working right now... Did you clear that with your Dr? Please try not to be scared of a natural mc. From what you have described, it may never be any worse than that. With my 2nd mc I was about as far along as you are & the only tissue/clots I passed were over a 6-8hr period...and before & after that I had bleeding - there was no real "gush"...and it tapered off at about a week. I don't think it is going to get a whole lot worse for you physically. I suppose it is possible, but not typical. I know it isn't easy...but it's also often not as bad as people imagine. I hope this is it for you for with cramping/bleeding. If you have any questions about any of that - feel free to PM me.

As far as the grieving - it's a tough one. sometimes I have felt like I didn't even kow what I felt. It gets so jumbled up. All I can offer is that you can only just be open to it - vent when you need to , cry when you need to - go out for a night & forget about it when you need to. There is not template for how to best handle it. I too have had people often think that I either am "off the deep end" if I open up or "so strong" if I don't. I hate that - how about just letting me be me - and be wherever I am without it resulting in some symbolic thing of overall how I am doing...especially because Monday I may seem like a candidate for shock therapy & by Weds I am my old self...and back again. I just try to roll with it - I wish others were a little more understanding of that.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet

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July 19th, 2006, 08:39 PM
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 371
Nicole, I am so incredibly sorry that you're going through this again.. I don't think I have any words to express how much my heart aches for you. And I'm afraid I don't have anything wise or insightful to add that everyone else hasn't already shared.. Just try to take things as they come & don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, and us.. We care about you very much.

Please know that you are in my thoughts..
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<span style="font-familyalatino Linotype">"I wish you knew how much you changed all our lives. But I know someday you'll see, if only through heaven's eyes."
I'll always love you, Lori.</span>
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